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  1. #1
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    Default Struggling with Step Kids

    Stepkids. The boy is 14, the girl is 17.

    As much as I try, the more time I spend with them, the more I dislike them.

    I know this little dummy spit is going to sound juvenile but I am at my wits end....they are fat, lazy, stupid, greedy, spoiled brats. Spitting images of their mother to be honest.

    Usually when they are here I do as best I can to avoid spending time with them under the guise of allowing them to spend most of their time with us with their father. All the while counting down the days till they are 18 and talking up the virtues of going overseas or to uni in another state.

    But we've recently moved away from them so have them for less weekends but more holidays.....this year we've got them until after New Year (SIX weeks) and less than half way through the visit I just don't think I am going to make it.

    All they do is sit on their arses, eating and playing on computers. Thursday the girl didn't get out of her pyjamas, spent the whole day on her computer and ate TWO packets of sweet cream biscuits. We live in a fairly 'cosy' townhouse so as a result they are always under foot. We're walking distance to local shops, the beach, a short bus ride (or bike ride) to the movies and a larger mall, we've got parks and bike track nearby, we even got them gym memberships, fishing, snorkelling and all sorts of other beach gear yet all they do is eat, make a mess and sit around the house.

    Meaning I spend my whole time shopping, cleaning up after them and trying not to lose my temper and tell them to get off their fat arses and get out of the bloody house. I work from home so don't get the escape of going to work but have taken to going to the gym twice a day and packing up my computer and working from a coffee shop some days because I just can't stand the sight of them for another minute.

    The daughter is the worst...she's also rude and selfish. When I do draw the line about something she'll call her mother to complain and then go into a sulk. Last week I asked her not to eat something because it was for dinner and she stormed off to her room and didn't come out for 24 hours.

    My partner and I have 'spoken' and he keeps saying he'll speak to them about it, but it never eventuates or if he does they ignore him. His issue is firstly that he has a higher tolerance for mess than I do and secondly that he has never said 'no' to either of them in their life. I don't think he knows how to. He travels alot for work, always has so he has never had to put up with them full time. When they do get disciplined it is purely verbal and quite pathetic - there are never any consequences - so there is no disincentive to repeating the behaviour. Which means nothing ever changes.

    I have asked them, very nicely, to please clean up after themselves or to give me a hand with things like hanging up or folding laundry but they just ignore me - in their minds household chores are the adults job.

    Right now for example, I am seething.... at 4pm I got back from the supermarket said that I'd like them to peel the potatoes for dinner. It is 6.30pm and neither of them has raised a finger, yet at 7pm they'll start asking when dinner will be ready. I'm tempted to walk out, call a friend and go out for dinner. But I'm not giving in tonight. Someone will peel those potatoes or there will be no dinner.

    I am about to go on strike, no more shopping, no more cleaning, no more cooking. Assuming I don't completely lose the plot first. Might even go and stay with my sister or find an excuse for a work trip. But then I think why should I be forced out of my home by these vile little *********?

    And I know it isn't me being intolerant, or that they are like that because they are 'just teenagers' - my friends don't put up with this **** from their kids and even direct members of THEIR family (specifically my partners sister ) agree that they are little aresholes.

    I don't expect any answers, I just needed to vent, get this off my chest and try to make it through till January with my sanity in tact.

  2. #2
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    Seriously..
    Go out to dinner!
    Go see a movie!

    Stuff the brats!!!!!

    The only way they will learn is if you put your foot down and 6 weeks is plenty of time.
    Do exactly that, dont shop, don't clean don't cook. Stop the servant service. Only look after you.

    Basically act like they do!

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  4. #3
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    ummm... well... yeah... I dont know you or your situation and there is always 3 sides to a story. I can't help but wonder if they know how you feel about them? I mean seriously for me stuff doing anything for someone that thinks I am a fat lazy stupid greedy spoilt brat a...hole. I understand that this has been building and building but They are teenagers that were brought up with different morals and values than you. Maybe start slowly and gently to try to change their behaviours. My way or the highway just doesnt work.

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  6. #4
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    No doubt there are other sides to the story....and I don't doubt that they do have an idea about what I think of them. If it were me...i'm bl**dy minded enough to want to prove someone wrong.

    But then their mother said to us just before school ended that she "needed a break" from them. I didn't say a word (I never do) and i've lost count of the number of times we've had an hysterical phone call from either the mother or the daughter after they've had anpther fight threatening that the daughter is going to come and live with us. I can't help but think that the situation we are in now is a product of both her and my partner failing to have transitioned them properly from children to young adults. They still have the level of neediness and dependency of say, 8 year olds.

    As for dinner tonight, I sat here and didn't say a word till after 7pm when my partner realised what I was doing. So he made the daughter peel the potatoes and now...he's showing the son how to fill the basin with water and soap to clean the pan.

    The worst thing about all this is that I hate the way it makes me feel....I'm the one getting all angry and resentful inside while they either don't know, or more likely don't care and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

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    Quote Originally Posted by missytack View Post
    Seriously..
    Go out to dinner!
    Go see a movie!

    Stuff the brats!!!!!

    The only way they will learn is if you put your foot down and 6 weeks is plenty of time.
    Do exactly that, dont shop, don't clean don't cook. Stop the servant service. Only look after you.

    Basically act like they do!
    ^ this 100%

    Step parents get a rough deal quite often Sounds like they need boundaries, if they werent 'step' kids would you put up with this? No? Then don't! It's time they live in the real world. your house your rules

    ETA: dad had his chance to step up and parent, if it interferes with your home feeling like home you can should step in so you dont lose that.

    I'm not a step mummy I did it for a while before dsd dad decided he wasn't coping and being in the middle is hard. It's important you don't bottle it all up and you talk to someone let it out vent etc. I frequently encourage my partner to do so and I am always reassuring him it's ok to feel negatives too parents do and it's unrealistic to expect step parents to be happy and fuzzy when they have the parents stuff to deal with and more. I hope your partner can support you and I hope you can find a good approach soon so your home starts feeling like a home again and the little brats wake up to themselves and see what you're doing really is a kindness.
    Last edited by mummykitty; 10-12-2011 at 21:02.

  8. #6
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    First of all HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!! I could have written this post myself. My husband has two daughters (15 & 18), who live with us 50% of the time. I constantly find them hard work and I count down the nights until they are back at their mother's place. I become a different person when they're here - stressed and cranky and generally ****ed off. Like you, I am sick of picking up after them, cleaning up after them and playing taxi service, all for no thanks at all. My husband won't let me discipline them and he won't discipline them either. He is quite happy for me to play servant to them.
    I'd like to think it will get easier, but I have a friend who married her husband and took on two step daughters when they were 10 and 12. They are now 20 and 22 and STILL causing her grief, so I think it'll be like this until they get married themselves.
    By the way, you'll cop a lot of nasty comments on this forum for being honest about how you feel. I do know of a couple of other people who feel about their step children the way you and I do, but mostly it'll be people who say they love their step kids as much as they love their own. Try and ignore the hurtful and unhelpful comments, and remember that there are some of us out here who know EXACTLY how you feel.

  9. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by siansmum View Post
    First of all HUGE HUGS TO YOU!!! I could have written this post myself. My husband has two daughters (15 & 18), who live with us 50% of the time. I constantly find them hard work and I count down the nights until they are back at their mother's place. I become a different person when they're here - stressed and cranky and generally ****ed off. Like you, I am sick of picking up after them, cleaning up after them and playing taxi service, all for no thanks at all. My husband won't let me discipline them and he won't discipline them either. He is quite happy for me to play servant to them.
    I'd like to think it will get easier, but I have a friend who married her husband and took on two step daughters when they were 10 and 12. They are now 20 and 22 and STILL causing her grief, so I think it'll be like this until they get married themselves.
    By the way, you'll cop a lot of nasty comments on this forum for being honest about how you feel. I do know of a couple of other people who feel about their step children the way you and I do, but mostly it'll be people who say they love their step kids as much as they love their own. Try and ignore the hurtful and unhelpful comments, and remember that there are some of us out here who know EXACTLY how you feel.
    Like OP the issue is your partner, not the kids.

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  11. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by WearingThin View Post
    And I know it isn't me being intolerant, or that they are like that because they are 'just teenagers' - my friends don't put up with this **** from their kids and even direct members of THEIR family (specifically my partners sister ) agree that they are little aresholes.

    .
    Their little aresholes because of their father and mother taught them to be that way. Your husband their father needs a wake up call. He needs to help change them before they walk out into the real world to fall flat on their face.

    I would be going on strike. Leave it all up to your husband he helped make the mess with his ex let him clean it up. I really hope your more pi$$ed off at your husband then you are with your step kids. They wouldn't be this way if it wasn't for your husband/their father and his ex/their mother.

    My step son was the same it all come down to his Dad and his nanna. I feel your pain but you need to kick your hubby in to gear, his letting his kids down big time.
    Last edited by *Cj*; 11-12-2011 at 20:03.

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  13. #9
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    Fat lazy A-holes??? Good grief! I would suggest some family therapy.

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  15. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jakois View Post
    Fat lazy A-holes??? Good grief! I would suggest some family therapy.
    I agree, it would probably help you all.

    For what it's worth, it sounds kind of like what I was like when I was that age. When you're in a different town/area with no friends, you don't really feel like going out on your own and tend to just hang around the house (well I did anyway). And if they've never been taught to pick up after themselves/cook etc, then they're not going to magically start now they're with you. Their dad need to show them/tell them what's expected when they come to stay. A counsellor may help you to come up with a plan for this.


 

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