Speechless...

[Buttoneska]

I'm sorry you are going through this - it sounds like you already having a tough time with things.

((GBH))

It is realyl complicated so I can't really give you an adequate response - there are so many things to consider etc, but I will tell you my thoughts when I read this

• how sad it is for both of you
• you both sound hurt and confused and like you have alot on your plate
• i don't nec believe it when you DH dismisses his action - he sounds embarrased and also confused about his own desires.
• i think pretending he didn't have any feelings/attraction/curiosity to this would be really dangerous for you both
• i think he needs to talk to someone about how he feels
• i think you need to talk to someone about how you feel
• i don't think his behavour is a clear result/reaction to your pnd/low libido - i think that is a really sh1tty excuse and diversion - he needs to own it and not minimilise it.
• he has gone to considerable effort to explore this - i just don't see how he can dismiss it so quickly and easly - like i said i think if you both ignore it could coem back and bite you in a$$
• i think that good relationships are strong and can get through tough times, both ppls should be able to be honest and express their desires and if its something both ppl are comfortable with they should be able to fufil those desires.
• i am sure that there are many ppl who s2xual realtionships outside the gneric definition of female + male partners. there is no shame or embarasment in your partner wanting to have s3xual relations with a man per say. the problem is in the lies, deception and not making it an open decision/discussion that you are both party to and decide together IF it work for BOTH of you.
• i think he has alot ofwork to do on himself and to work out what he is interested in and why? and then between the two of you work out what is acceptable in your relationshp and what is not? if you both want different things then it won't work, if you can both agree to somehting that you are both comfortable with then it could work?
• i have no idea what i would do in that situation. i would be hurt by the lies and decpetion. i would feel sick at the thought of it all. but beyond that i would also feel for my partner that they were very confused and probably afraid of their own feelings and possibly losing me. At the end of the day I love my DH and I would want to work with him incouncelling so we could BOTH be happy. If that meant him working through adn deciding he was gay and leaving, or he was bi and wanted to stay with me but have s3x with men etc etc. At least I know where he is at and I can then work out when I am at and what the future holds.

Just my thoughts xo

[elleandsam]

Huge hugs what a huge thing for you to deal with. You say you've got PND, are you seeing a counsellor? If you are I'd talk to him/her about this as well.

[Buttoneska]

oh and my other thing i thought was 'dont worry about anyone else outside of your relationship. like family, friends, society expetations. sure it probably not a common scenario that a happily married couple the man is interested in guys - BUT its about what works for you two ONLY. If you can both be honest and create a solution that works for both of you and is safe etc, there it is noone else's business.

I just think supressing your desires in life leads to depression and trouble for all invovled. Better to upfront and honest about how you feel and take it from there

[Sparklydreamer]

Omg, what a shock that must be. I'd be most upset at the deception and can totally understand you not feeling like you know him. You said he had replied to the messages - was he organising meetings? Because I'm not sure I'd believe the 'didn't act on it' depending on what was in those emails, especially since its been going on since August.

I'd be insisting on counselling. That's a tough thing to have to deal with.

Massive hugs.

[hopefully2]

Numb- you must insist on marital counseling. This is a big issue. I am the product of a closet gay man and it is no good for anyone involved if it is not dealt with. If your husband was seeking out women would that sit easier with you? Can u continue in your marriage knowing he wants to experience sexual pleasure from men? Oh I feel for you. Please take time to work out what you think is tolerable. Also you need to work out if things can be fine again after knowing this. Oh dear. Good luck and massive hugs.


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[chocorama]

Have you slept with him since he bagan his communications via the site? If so, I would be going to the GP quick smart for a comprehensive STD test. Anyone should do that, if they discover or suspect their partner has had affairs, whether it be with male or female partners. STDs can lead to infertility and even death if left untreated.

I take this really seriously, and would be seperating from him, living in seperate homes for now. If you both agree you really want to make the relationshop work, you can attend therapy or decent counselling together, but I think you also need your space to think and reflect. This should be a slow process where he shows his commitment, not a quick fix ''let's forget it all ever happened'' type deal.

Him fobbing the blame off onto you is completely wrong, I hope you know that. Your lack of libido does not give him an excuse to seek sex elsewhere. Instead he could have supported you better to manage your PND. Slinking off to use the computer to hook up with others is hardly supportive! Has he been more active/involved in the parenting? Has he attended therapy/counselling with you?

Also, trying to downplay the seriousness of his actions is wrong. ''Stupid'' etc implies it was a momentary lapse of judgement. Ummm no... he's been engaging in this for months, ongoing. He should be taking full responsibility for this, like a mature adult! He has had PLENTY of time to cancel his account and speak to you honestly about his feelings, but it's only now he got busted that he's talking.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but please know you deserve much much better.

[Stiflers Mom]

Have you slept with him since he bagan his communications via the site? If so, I would be going to the GP quick smart for a comprehensive STD test. Anyone should do that, if they discover or suspect their partner has had affairs, whether it be with male or female partners. STDs can lead to infertility and even death if left untreated.

I take this really seriously, and would be seperating from him, living in seperate homes for now. If you both agree you really want to make the relationshop work, you can attend therapy or decent counselling together, but I think you also need your space to think and reflect. This should be a slow process where he shows his commitment, not a quick fix ''let's forget it all ever happened'' type deal.

Him fobbing the blame off onto you is completely wrong, I hope you know that. Your lack of libido does not give him an excuse to seek sex elsewhere. Instead he could have supported you better to manage your PND. Slinking off to use the computer to hook up with others is hardly supportive! Has he been more active/involved in the parenting? Has he attended therapy/counselling with you?

Also, trying to downplay the seriousness of his actions is wrong. ''Stupid'' etc implies it was a momentary lapse of judgement. Ummm no... he's been engaging in this for months, ongoing. He should be taking full responsibility for this, like a mature adult! He has had PLENTY of time to cancel his account and speak to you honestly about his feelings, but it's only now he got busted that he's talking.

Good luck in whatever you decide, but please know you deserve much much better.

Thank you! Perfect advice.

[Numb]

Thank you everyone for your advice.

Ive read through all of your posts, i don't have the energy to reply at this moment, i found out last night so have been awake most of the night...

I will come back and respond later when i am feeling up to it.

thank you all for your replies, i didn't know what else to do and i can't talk to anyone irl about this.

all i know at this time is that i am utterly devastated and shattered & its not the fact that it was what he was wanting its the lies and deceit....

[GluttonForPunishment]

Oh Numb, you poor thing. If you decide that this marriage is one you want to save, I really don't see any other alternative than going to marriage counselling. Either which way, it is an absolutley horrible situation to find yourself in and my heart goes out to you.

[Guest1234]

Ok, I think your DH needs to address his curiosity. Clearly there is a legitimate curiosity there, you just wouldn't do something like that. He is trying to excuse his behaviour by down playing it, by making it some sort of joke. He needs to come to terms with it first, before you and him can sort anything out. He needs to be honest with you, and to do that he needs to be honest with himself.
Then once he has sorted that out for himself, he needs to talk to you about it, honestly and openly.
Then you need to take time to process it all, and figure out where you want to go next. This would hugely depend on what his curiosity really means.

I highly suggest you both see a counsellor through this all, as a couple and individually.