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  1. #1
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    Default Being a labour support person after suffering your own loss?

    *I never ever thought I would start a thread like this, I have read many similar and always thought it was a little silly & immature but now that I am in this situation I’ve turned into that person I was judging. How little we know til its our reality!

    I had an ectopic pregnancy 3 weeks ago, it was planned baby and DH and I were delighted when we found out (I fell pregnant on my second cycle after coming off the pill, exactly the same with my DS). Anyway, it was ectopic, I lost my right tube but luckily not my ovary and I know I am very lucky to have got it seen to so quickly and to have my beautiful DS.

    My bestfriend is 22 weeks pregnant and wants me to be her support partner when she goes in to labour. Her partner has left her as this was not a planned baby (on his behalf but def on hers, which bf will openly admit) and I know the situation shouldn’t affect my feelings but I cant help it atm, I am finding it increasingly hard to be around her, or even really talk to her (even via email!) without sounding stand offish and I guess sometimes a little short. I am so so jealous, I want to be pregnant, my baby was planned and it broke both DH & I’s heart to lose it (which I know it would kill my bf to lose hers also, I am in no way wishing that upon her!). I just want her to stop, I want her to stop complaining about her ex to me, I want her to stop moaning about antenatal appts and telling me about baby kicking…. Doesn’t that sound horrible! Then I think shes my BEST friend at this time she needs support from me, she needs people around her especially as ex isnt. She came to the hospital before I went into surgery and when I told her how it just wasn’t fair, how much I wanted this baby, she responded with: “I know, I felt exactly the same about you when you fell so easy with H (DS)”… I’m not sure how that was supposed to make me feel better, it still bugs me she said it…

    I guess this really is more of a vent than anything, but for those who have been through a loss when does that feeling end? I’d love to be there for her during labour but will those feelings still be there, do those jealous, green eyed monster feelings get better with time?
    Last edited by Uh-Oh; 07-12-2011 at 17:20.

  2. #2
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    I think what you are feeling is normal and it will get easier with time. The loss was only a few eeks ago so give yourself time to grieve.

    My best friend was 6 weeks behind me, then I had my mc. I found it very hard to be around her after it happened (even though it took her a year to fall pregnant and I feel pregnant really quickly). Seeing her pregnancy progress and her updating me on all the new experiences was esp hard (this was both our 1st pregnancies), and I felt like I was being inconsiderate, but I just didn't want to be around her at all.

    But over time it got easier and as the weeks went by I became more and more suportive and happy for her (instead of bitter, angry and jealous etc.). In hindsight it just took me some time to grieve and come to terms with what happened. She also has to be mindful of how you are feeling, I felt like my bf may have found it hard to put herself in my shoes. But saying that, she has also been there 100% for me as I tried to conceive again.

    If the friendship is worth it she will understand that you are going through a crappy time and you need your space for now.


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    Uh-Oh  (07-12-2011)

  4. #3
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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Your loss is so recent and your feelings are very raw, which is perfectly understandable. I had a loss a few months ago and my neighbour is 4 weeks ahead of where I would have been so it has been hard seeing her pregnancy progressing.

    I think it would be fine to ask her for a little bit of time and space so you can heal. I also think you need to find a way to emotionally separate yourself from her pregnancy and remember that her circumstances are her own and try not to let your pain colour your view of that.

    You will be in a different place emotionally in 18weeks and it may press a few buttons, but you can plan for that and talk to your friend about how you will cope if it becomes too much and need to step back for a little while. If she is your friend she will understand.

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  6. #4
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    I agree with the PPs. Your loss is very recent and so of course you have every right to be feeling this way. I know when I miscarried I found out a few weeks later that a close friend was pregnant..we would have only been about a month apart. I found it incredibly hard to see her or speak to her, and I did end up avoiding her a lot...

    Luckily she is a good friend and tried to understand. I ended up writing her an email and putting all my feelings down so she could get a grasp on what I was going through. She appreciated me being so open with her and allowed me more time to adjust to her pregnancy. Perhaps this is something you might like to do with your friend..sometimes it's easier to write/type it out then talk about it.

    Personally, I don't think I could have agreed to be someone's labour support person so soon after my loss.

    So sorry for your loss. Make sure you take all the time you need to grieve. xx

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    I had a loss a bit over a month ago and today got a BFN I was just talking to DH not half an hour ago, upset bc everyone else seems to get pg without trying. I've been avoiding the pg threads like the plague since the loss, it kills me, yet for some reason when a pg comes up in the m/c support thread it's easier to take. Maybe bc I know what they've been thru to get that positive?

    I feel nasty and selfish being jealous I just can't help it. It sounds like both of us aren't over the loss yet and *need* to be a bit selfish. That doesn't mean you can never be supportive of your friend, just right now be kind to yourself and don't expect too much

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    Quote Originally Posted by summastarlet View Post
    I ended up writing her an email and putting all my feelings down so she could get a grasp on what I was going through. She appreciated me being so open with her and allowed me more time to adjust to her pregnancy. Perhaps this is something you might like to do with your friend..sometimes it's easier to write/type it out then talk about it.
    Thank you, I think is probably exactly what I need to do. I want to tell her, but I am dont/didnt know if I could do it without sounding unsupportive of her situation.

    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    It sounds like both of us aren't over the loss yet and *need* to be a bit selfish. That doesn't mean you can never be supportive of your friend, just right now be kind to yourself and don't expect too much
    For your loss xx

    Your right, I kind of do want to be selfish. You've kind of hit on the head. At the moment I just want to mourn and grieve and be upset or angry and vent and I just know I cant go to her for that (and she would have no issue with doing hearing it or being there for me) but I know I cant because she hasnt been there, she hasnt gone thru a loss and grieved a baby that will never be. I cant vent to someone who will have in 18weeks exactly what I am mourning.

    Thank you everyone, this section, whilst sad exists has been a great 'haven' for the last couple of weeks!
    Last edited by Uh-Oh; 07-12-2011 at 21:16.


 

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