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  1. #261
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    Marnz---I did a lot of knitting in TWW's, I've 2 baby blankets going, and since I've had 11 TWW's, they're coming along quite well now 3.5 years later! Apart from that I keep working to keep my mind occupied, and baked and cooked and wrote my TCC diary and food blog. The knitting is nice, I dream of all the nice things with baby when I knit, when I know it's a BFN I put everything back in the bag and store it till next round.

    Bron and Amanda---Rattle away!!!!

  2. #262
    tryingreallyhard is offline Waiting for our little prince or princess.
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    We went and saw Warren on Friday. I wanted to hear from him that our IVF journey was over so that I could move on and focus on other parts of our life (I was so brave as I walked in his door). Initially he said that there were things that we could try and that he couldnt say that the next embryo might not just be the golden one. However Saizen and Pregnyl add back really only helps egg quality not embryo quality and it's the embryo quality that is our issue (he explained that the little motor that implants the embryo is good but the one that keeps it going is stuffed and thats a result of our egg/sperm combination). So, while I sat there and cried he told us that with our combination of egg and sperm and my age (almost 42) he could probably give us, at best, a 1 - 2% chance of ever taking home a baby. DH and I have already discussed donor eggs and both agreed that that isnt for us. So I gave Warren a big hug, said thank and good bye and walked out the door knowing that I probably wont ever go back and cried all the way home.

    Right now I cant stop crying. DH seems oblivious to it all despite watching me cry a lot this weekend. He decided ages ago that he didnt want to do IVF anymore so has already moved on. I haven't and having him in a different place is really, really difficult as I feel so, so alone. I have organised a psychologist for Thursday morning but Im not sure how Im going to work this week. I havent been able to tell my parents coz I know they'll be so disappointed that we've stopped and they'll never have a grandchild from us. So, all in all it's been a pretty yucky last few days.

    I wanted to say thank you to all you lovely ladies for the support and encouragement over the last year and a half. Im going to sign off now and will be watching from the sidelines wishing you all well and hoping that your outcome is very different to ours (and keeping an eye out for birth announcements). Good luck, best wishes and babydust to all.

  3. #263
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    TRH, My heart grieved as I read your post. There are no words I have that can comfort this pain. I have a very good, very dear friend who has navigated where you are, and is now "post infertility", as she puts it, having put the journey behind her. I know the worst thing for her was feeling as though none of her friends who had children could/would be there for her as she navigated the grief, anger and sadness. She felt very alone, and it broke my heart; infertility is still very much a 'taboo' and she felt that strongly, and felt she couldn't confide in anyone about it. I fought hard to keep her friendship, reminding her constantly that whilst I couldn't possibly understand what she was going through I COULD care, and support, and be there for her - that my having children didn't mean I didn't want her in my life, as the wonderful person she is and always was - not driven by pity, but driven by MY understanding that my life was richer and stronger for having her in it, as she was; that her not having children made no difference to how amazing a person she was; that her life was not over, but still a work in progress - and that I wanted to keep traveling with her on that journey. The same goes for you lovely - you have been a great support to me during my IVF journey, and if there is anything I can do to support you now please let me know - even if it is just to be on the other side of a PM. You aren't alone - sadly there are many who have been through this - and I know from my friend that there are some great online (and offline) supports and that counselling can be wonderfully cathartic if you get the right counsellor. I know that sometimes people revisit issues like donor eggs/fostering/surrogacy etc, and other times they make peace with it and move on - whatever path your journey takes I wish you a renewed capacity for joy in the world, as hard as that may be to envisage now.

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    LillyPonds  (16-01-2012)

  5. #264
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    TRH - I know it will probably be cold comfort, but I find myself sitting here crying with you tonight and wanting so much to be there with you to give you a hug. I am so sorry that this is the unjustified and heart breaking end that you have had to endure. Just always hold dear that you are a beautiful soul who would make a wonderful mother. Thank you for your graciousness and for your contributions and support. Please, please PM me if you want to catch up. I wish you much love and peace. X

  6. #265
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    Marnz - One thing I have found with this god awful process is that you always seem to be waiting for something. Whether it is for the scan to see how many follies are growing, the 2WW or then for your first scan thereafter, it is always waiting, waiting, waiting. It is so difficult to not let your every thought become obsessed with this process. I myself had crazy thoughts that if I sneezed the embryos would fly across the room, if I went to the toilet too early after TF they would fall out. Reflection by way of reality check is the best way I find to get through it. I have had to repeatedly reassure myself that such ridiculous thought process make no sense. That said don't be too hard on yourself. This process is a difficult one and your thoughts and fears are perfectly normal for someone going through this. Wishing you the very best outcome for this cycle. X

    AFM - Feeling in limbo land today. I should in theory be 6W3D. Had scan this morning that showed a sac and something that ressembled a foetal pole (but not definitive of such measuring 6W1D) and no foetal heart rate. FS didn't seem too concerned and noted that 'often with blastocysts for some unknown reason they can often be a few days behind' (has anyone else heard this????). So I have another scan at FS office next Monday.

    Some how this is all feeling a bit too familiar to my last awful experience which ended in MC.

    I thought the heart beat flicker should be quiet apparent by 6W3D.
    Last edited by laned; 16-01-2012 at 10:09.

  7. #266
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    TRH---T4two said it so well. I'm also here for you if you need a listening ear. I'm at work at the moment, but I just want to have a big cry with you. Don't feel that you have to butt out of our lives just because your journey takes you somewhere else. I used to think there is no life after infertility, and I've even gone to entertain the the deep dark thoughts of ending my life, and I truly felt alone too, as my DH had never been in the same headspace as myself, and I felt he'll never be because he's not the childless one despite us facing childlessness as a couple. Go easy on yourself, take some time off work.

    laned---sometimes it's hard to see the little flicker when they're so small. T4two had her miraculous tale with her little bean not looking good on the first scan either.

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    laned  (16-01-2012)

  9. #267
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    TRH - I think the other girls have written more elogquently than I ever could. I will add though that you have been a wonderful support through mine and many others journeys, and please don't feel that you need to disappear (unless you need to for you). Just remember that having children or not does not define who you are.

    Laned - I have heard of many cases where there was no HB at this stage and really do continue to feel positive about this little one for you. I can only imagine how hard the coming week will be for you to get through, if you need a break feel free to get in touch.

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    laned  (16-01-2012)

  11. #268
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    Laned, this is EXACTLY what happened with our current pregnancy (still going strong at 22 weeks). We had a sac/crown-rump length measuring 2 days behind right up until 10 weeks, when he caught up. Yes, I confirmed with a number of sources it is common not to see a heartbeat just yet, particularly if it isn't the newest ultrasound machine (my sister runs an x-ray/ultrasound clinic and checked with the monographer there). It doesn't mean a heartbeat isn't there - just that it might not be able to be picked up by the machine yet, particularly if your uterus tilts backwards and the emby has implanted on the back wall. Yes, blastocysts can take a while to 'get going' (nobody knows why, although it has been suggested to me that it is suggestive that the fetus is male - as our little one is - yep, men are slow from the get go, apparently ). I hope you don't have to wait too long for another scan - from memory my FS had me back in a week (@7 wks), when we then saw a good strong heartbeat. I am so sorry you have another period of limbo-land, I wish it were otherwise, hang in there and I am sending you every hope that this little one is just like mine - just a little slow to get going
    Last edited by tryingfortwo; 16-01-2012 at 15:02.

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  13. #269
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    TFT - Thank you, thank you, thank you. Reading your post has given me the first sense of relief today. Earlier I returned to your early posts and was trying to compare.

    We are with the same FS and as you know the machine is very old. So I truly hope that is why we couldn't see the HR.

    Thank you for the information passed on from your sister it really helps when you have people in the know.

    As for the male comment LOL. Funny I have said to DH that I am sure this pregnancy is a boy. It is so weird, because I always knew my other angel baby was a girl.

    Yes FS is getting me back in 1W. X

  14. #270
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    Default Tww

    Thanks girls for the kind words. The last couple of days have gone fast and I return to work tomorrow after having 3 weeks off. I did get some good news today that I have one frozen embryo for next time.

    I hope all our dreams come true in 2012.


 

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