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  1. #31
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    A ruined Christmas is spending time in a volatile home, having just one or two people who like and cherish you is far better and way better then having a screaming blow out. Personally I hated Christmas so much because of it, my husband is still upset that a year ago at 26 I didnt know what day Christmas was lol. So if anything you are promising your child happy memories for his holidays instead of worry!

  2. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissEm View Post
    Thanks sjay I am trying to stay positive but am feeling guilty now....for ruining xmas and being difficult etc I know that I am not the bad person here....but I feel like I am.....I don't know.

    Is there a process you go through like a grieving process that you just have to work through or does it just stay hard for ages?

    Sorry if my posts don't make complete sense have been up every two hours with my son but the fever has finally broken!
    You definitely did not ruin Christmas! Imagine if you had of kept tolerating your fathers behaviour and on Christmas it escalated to a new level, the trauma it could of further put on you and especially on your young son, in the long run its better this way!

    I think guilt is all a part of the grieving process - and you will go through a process because reality is you are losing a father, not necessarily just the person who he is now, but your also giving up the hope of who you wish he could change into. I think maybe it will help if you just write a list of the things he does and says and then maybe write a list of the things you would have wanted him to say/do/act so you can see it written what kind of person he is and how you don't want that kind of role model around for DS.

    Just remember you are walking away from a bad relationship for all the right reasons xx

  3. #33
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    Bebeburton - I have been lucky enough to find a partner that loves and supports me too....even through all the terrible flashbacks I still don't remember half of it!

    This years Christmas will be great! will be having a party with our friends who do care about us and my partners family who are a lot more stable and loving.

    I know this will be a long process but I know with my friends and partner and the support of other strong mums I will get through this and hopefully I can return the favour to others.

    I know that is a long way off though, this has been a life long battle that I am really just starting to fight.

    I might see about counselling....I am a little reluctant as I went before and opened up and was bawling my eyes and bringing up all these terrible memories then she goes ok thats the end of the session will see you next week....

    No help what so ever on how to deal with all those raw emotions and painful images.

    have seen someone else since but still find it hard to open up properly now....

    At least here where I am somewhat anonymous I can be honest about whats happened and how I feel.

    No one really knows the extent of what has happened and i don't know how telling them would improve things or just make them sad for me....

  4. #34
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    bellalika is offline I'm trying my hardest, please don't ask for more.
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    No advice from me, just great big hugs. I wish I had the balls to kick my MIL out sometimes.

  5. #35
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    You did a brave thing today. I think that you determine how you get treated by people by and its amazing that you are no longer allowing undesirable inappropriate behaviors. It sounds that your dad has had very lose behavioural boundaries for a long time. You need to determine where these boundaries are going to lie. I suggest as did a pp that you seek assistance about this situation from a clinical pyschologist. I once went about my and my mum's it opened my eyes and gave me skills I didn't have previously.


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  6. #36
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    Big hugs

    It's not okay to be treated that way, by anyone, so I personally think you have done the right thing

  7. #37
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    Hearing all your stories are great! I will get through this and many of you have gone through worse abuse than I have.

    Talking to a professional is something that I will seriously think about as there are a lot of unresolved issues.

    I have do it right this time so much before I had drinking, drugs, self harm and going from starving myself to gorging.....I don't have very good coping mechanisms.....

    Would actually love to hear how to deal with the stress etc during this process without turning to any of these bad outlets....

  8. #38
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    I have learnt to win by having the mantra 'success is the best revenge'. Gets me through the hard times without reverting back to self destruction.


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  9. #39
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    That's a great attitude hopefully2.

    I have had so many set backs lately when I am trying to get things into a better situation so have been stuck on the negatives.....

    What do you do to help motivate you during rough times?

  10. #40
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    MissEm, I had a very similar situation with my father almost 2 years ago... we were living with him with our DD... He'd always been a physically and emotionally abusive ar$ehole who had this amazing ability to convince you that he'd finally 'changed' and everything was rosy, then blow up at you over nothing and convince you that it was your fault. It's a long story but basically he lost his sh!t at me over nothing once again, calling me a stupid b!tch, an idiot, selfish, and told me that every bad thing that has happened in our family's lives has been my fault. I basically did what you did but packed our bags and left, told him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. We haven't seen him since. His (my extended) side of the family think I'm over reacting and that I should just get over it because he's my father and that's all that matters. Well I'm sorry, but my life has been 100x better without him in it and I don't think that just because you share the same blood with a person it means they're your family. Family are there for you no matter what, family hold you up when you're down, family make you feel loved and important. Since my cousins, aunts and uncles stood by meekly and witnessed what he had done to me my whole life and never had the balls to say anything about it, I decided to say goodbye to them too.
    Sometimes I do feel sad about it. Sometimes I do miss them. But I don't miss him. He's made it clear he'll never change. I'm sad at the thought of not having a father, but my life is better now and I'm so, so glad he won't be able to pull any of his crap with my kids now. It will get easier as time goes on. I think you did the right thing and I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Especially after he behaved that way in front of your little one - that is disgraceful. What kind of sensible, mature adult does that?


 

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