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  1. #21
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    Thanks grooviechic35 am a bit ashamed that its taken me this long to say that to his face. I know the fight is long from over but will be worth it, esp if others see they don't have to deal with his cr*p anymore!

    Bell & Bug - they are very selfish, and spiteful! Christmas is going to be a nightmare

    I am not sure what to do about it and don't want to make any other decisions whilst I am so upset and over tired.

    (for the record my son still has a temp of 39.3 an hour after having panadol and stripped of most clothes and playing with a cool cloth oh and he is now refusing his bottle)

    I am not sure if she told him there has been a fair bit going on and she might have forgotten selling house etc.

    I did limit my time with them before and my partner convinced me to try again. relationship with my mother has slightly improved but clearly my father won't change and she makes endless excuses for him

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by BebeBurton View Post
    Hi MissEm, I can only share with you my own personal experience and I will try not to ramble on for too long so I apologise in advance if this turns into a bit of a debriefing session of my own.

    My father was also a bully, emotionally and verbally abusive (and an alcoholic). Though he was never physically violent the emotional and verbal abuse has significantly impacted my life. The last time I saw my father my DH and I dropped him off at the airport, drunk, emotionally unstable and with blood staines dripping down his clothes after falling down the front of our driveway intoxicated.... once again he had sucked every inch of being and energy from my body, I cannot ever express the incredible amount of sadness I feel whenever that image of him springs into my mind. At the time I felt sick with the sadness and the hurt that this person had constantly inflicted on my life, while all my friends fathers showed love, compassion, empathy, selflessness and treated them like the little princesses they are suppose to be treated like by their fathers.... for me, a phone call from my own father would send me into a state of panic and anxiety, I would get pins and needles and tingles in my feet and hands from hyperventilating... no one else in my life has ever evoked that sort of negative feeling in me before.

    Over the years I had given him so many chances and had tried every different approach possible to try and have somewhat of a normal, healthy and functioning relationship with him but it always ended in the same destructive way and I would feel angry and hurt all over again. It was without a doubt the most difficult decision I have ever had to make to cut him out of my life. 8 years on and I have still had no contact with him, he does not even know that I am married now, I do not know if he is alive or dead or how (if I needed to) would I ever be able to contact him. Whenever I have feelings of regret and doubt about my decision I have to remind myself about all those past feelings of anger I felt towards him because of the pain and hurt he has caused me over the years.... the very sad reality for me is that now I will never trust him not to do those things again and therefore, my life is better without him in it.

    Although our experiences and circumstances are slightly different I do understand how you are feeling and I suppose what I would like to emphasise to you is that no matter who it is... family or friend or foe it is absolutely reasonable for you to distance yourself from any relationship that has a negative emotional, mental or physical impact on your life. I am fortunate in that the rest of my family are exceptionally close and I 100% have their empathy and support in my decision not to have a relationship with him.

    Although there may be a somewhat different outcome for you within your own family unit I would still encourage you to do what you feel is in the best interest of you and your son. When it comes to our family members we so desperately want them to behave in a certain way, to be happy, healthy, loving, etc... but unfortunately this is not always the case and no matter how hard we try we cannot change them so we are left with the agonising decision about how much of this unacceptable behaviour we are willing to tolerate.

    I hope that you are able to find some resolution or closure on this what ever you decide is the best outcome for you and your family.
    Sounds like the same guy except for the alcoholism, (my grandfather was one though but I think I was too young to understand before he died).

    Oh and my father is physically violent, he degrades and humiliates all us kids and thinks its ok that we should toughen up a bit. (My younger brother had a suicide attempt (he says its not but he cut his arm open with a knife so deep that he severed all his nerves and needed them to be reattached is so so lucky to have full use again but he hasa huge scare as a reminder, my other brother is a chovanistic, rude sexist pig, once again i believe he got this from my father and his uncle.

    I too have had a number of suicide attempts.

    It has taken a lot of work with my current partner to make me feel I can even have an opinion I can voice for have an argument where I will not be physically and emotionally beaten into submission (mainly ex-boyfriend)

    Sadly its all 'acceptable' within the majority of my family. I will not let my son grow up being abused by his grandfather and uncles that think all this stuff is ok.

    I assume you will see more posts to this thread as the assaults come forth from my family. I know my friends and partner will support as all of you have here......I guess I am struggling to prepare myself for the long road ahead.

  3. #23
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    You just have to remember you are doing the right thing. This type of stuff is just poison for the brain and you do not need your son in this scenario.

    Maybe just keep reminding yourself that your son is actually better off without your dad in either of your lives - if your son can see you be strong enough to cut him out he'll learn from you that abuse of any sort is unacceptable and wont be tolerated!

    I hope you get through the other side of this for the better and I hope your son gets better soon!! xx

  4. #24
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    Thanks sjay I am trying to stay positive but am feeling guilty now....for ruining xmas and being difficult etc I know that I am not the bad person here....but I feel like I am.....I don't know.

    Is there a process you go through like a grieving process that you just have to work through or does it just stay hard for ages?

    Sorry if my posts don't make complete sense have been up every two hours with my son but the fever has finally broken!

  5. #25
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    Hi Miss Em,

    I set my boundaries with my father 6 years ago and haven't seen him since our day in court. He was a violent, emotionally abusive narcissist and a perpetrator of DV. I called the police after he punched me in the face and pulled a gun on me. My mum left his sorry a** the same day after 39 years of marriage. I am so proud of her and given the things she has told me since I marvel at her strength.

    The only crap that I received from family was from 2 of his sisters. I have kept my calm, told them about his behaviours and have let them know any form of violence is unwelcome in my house or anywhere near me or my family. I have also let them know that my grandfather was like this too and we won't be carrying on this cycle. I have since been told that when my dad was told I had a son , he said he would snap his neck if he ever saw him.

    Keeping my son and new daughter safe are my priorities and I couldn't care less if this costs me other family members. Abuse is not part of my life now and nor will it ever be considered 'normal or acceptable' by my kids. Don't feel guilty for giving your children the basic human right of 'a life free from violence'. If your dad was able to change he would have looked at himself those times when your mum left him.

    to you

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    Quote Originally Posted by MissEm View Post
    Thanks sjay I am trying to stay positive but am feeling guilty now....for ruining xmas and being difficult etc I know that I am not the bad person here....but I feel like I am.....I don't know.

    Is there a process you go through like a grieving process that you just have to work through or does it just stay hard for ages?

    Sorry if my posts don't make complete sense have been up every two hours with my son but the fever has finally broken!
    You didn't ruin Christmas, and don't let anyone make you feel that way. You did what you NEEDED to do, for you and your son, and there is no way you should have held on until after Christmas, because then whats the next event? New years, Easter, birthdays, anniversaries? If you held off for all those events you would never get out!

    There sure is a grieving process, but it really does get easier once you find your feet again. It's been a year since I did it and I'm past it all for the most part.

  8. #27
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    Perfect.
    Absolutely doing the right thing for your family and yourself.
    If you buy your dad a new set top box as well you'll secure the moral high ground and show all how petty he is.
    Obviously not planning to head out to the shops with a febrile kiddy, but sometime.

  9. #28
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    Beat thing you could have done! I cut contact with my father roughly 7 years ago. He was verbally and physically abusive. I have multiple scars on my head, arms, back and upper legs from him. But after being called a cheap sl*t for a week and then him laying into me, almost causing me to miscarry my daughter, I walked away and didn't look back.

    However my story had a happier ending. My mum made him get help. The man he is now is amazing. He dotes on his grand kids and is the man we always needed growing up.

    It's hard, and Christmas will be even harder. But you are strong and courageous. You CAN do this.




    Yep..... It's an iPhone

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  11. #29
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    Hi funny mama - well done to both you and your mum for getting away from him! He sounds like a terrible person

    You're right it is a basic human right to not be abused. hopefully the rest of my family will understand and not keep making excuses for him.

    Bell & Bug - I guess I feel like its my fault as things are twisted so much and all the things I do wrong are highlighted etc. I am quite emotional and they all take advantage of that. I find it really difficult not to get angry or say things that won't come back to bite as no matter how I say it as said before it gets twisted and used against me.

    I hope I am feeling as confident as you are in a years time.

    really old - My partner suggested that too, I think I am somewhat stuck with their way of thinking and see it as I am accepting I was wrong when I completely wasn't.

    I will get another one though and hope he thinks its worth his relationship with his daughter, son in law and grandson.

  12. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by StretchmarkBarbie View Post
    Beat thing you could have done! I cut contact with my father roughly 7 years ago. He was verbally and physically abusive. I have multiple scars on my head, arms, back and upper legs from him. But after being called a cheap sl*t for a week and then him laying into me, almost causing me to miscarry my daughter, I walked away and didn't look back.

    However my story had a happier ending. My mum made him get help. The man he is now is amazing. He dotes on his grand kids and is the man we always needed growing up.

    It's hard, and Christmas will be even harder. But you are strong and courageous. You CAN do this.




    Yep..... It's an iPhone
    Wow that has to be the first experience I have been told about where the abusive person actually saw what they were doing is wrong and made changes!!!

    Well done for being able to get away during the bad times and for being able to forgive him when he made amends!

    That's brilliant

    I know it won't happen with my father he doesn't believe in therapy etc, but xmas won't just be hard on me it will be a message to the whole family. I really hope that they see who is to blame for our absence and it won't be me!

    and they can't try and pin it on my partner as he is away!


 

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