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  1. #1
    loop is offline Two kiddos keeping me on my toes :-)
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    Default Feeling jealous of friend with now 2 perfect births

    A friend of mine just had a perfect waterbirth today. Waters broke at 3am, irregular easy contractions until 10am, then full blast until bubs was born in the pool (family birth centre) at 12.30pm. Her first was also born at the FBC within 8hours.
    My DS was born via emergency cesarean, after 24 hours of painful back labour. I had got to 10cm, was told to push but felt no urge, he was still too high up. So I had an epidural and they pumped syntoxin. Biiiig mistake, as DS was posterior and coming face first, of course he went into distress.
    All in all I thought I didnt feel so bad about things, but hearing all these perfect birth stories around me, with that glow in the face I am just petrified I wont make it. I will have another cesarean.
    I am only 23 weeks, had first appointment at NBAC KEMH Perth. Felt great there, they have an 85% success rate for VBACs with my factors.
    I am seeing a chiro, walking and trying to stay fit, trying to eat well (but thats not going very well, I had to force myself not to buy any biscuits, or I would've gone through half a packet a day ) Obviously going to the NBAC clinic and a public hospital rather than a private one should give me a head start. DP is supportive, but he is not one of those men that indulges in the prpcess of birth and all the gory details with it. He will massage me, hold me, talk to me, but he will not stick up for me against the hospital. He is too worried about the baby. Yes of course it is better to have a natural birth and he will support me as best he can, but only if the circumstances are perfect. Meaning baby in LOA position, me rested and not sleepless for 36hrs before pushing like last time, no labouring longer than 12hrs. He hasnt explicitly said all this, but I guess he will.
    I will do my utmost to get me into the right shape and bubs in the right postition before the birth, but what if I end up with another operation? I want to birth this child, I want to push her out!!! I am not scared of the pain, just that she wont come like her brother.
    I am happy for my friend, I truly am. But still I did feel a slight wave of criticism last time after my CS. If I cant make it next time, I will just not want to see her for weeks. God, that sounds awful, but I feel awful and more so for feeling jealous.
    Has anyone else had these feelings? How do you deal with them??

    DS has just fallen asleep on the couch, I just want to roll up next to him and forget I am pregnant for a bit

  2. #2
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    It is so painful when others around you get what you so desperately want.

    Stay focused and positive, I have had a vbac so understand your fear right now

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    loop  (08-11-2011)

  4. #3
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    Omg my birth with DD1 was EXACTLY as yours was!!! Wow :0

    Sounds like you're really putting a lot of thought into getting your vbac, and good on you!!! You're very brave for even contemplating vbac, IMO!!
    I wasn't as brave as you, I opted for elective cs for dd2 and DS. I couldn't face the trauma of what happened the first time.
    I know it feels like a slap in the face when others seem to have it 'easier' but you know what the actual birth is only one part of the whole conception/pregnancy/birth/parenting thing, where you might 'lose out' in one area you might be 'winning' in others
    Don't let it get you down, no matter what happens the most important thing is happy healthy mum, bub and family
    Enjoy your pregnancy and all the best with your vbac

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  6. #4
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    I know how u feel, my 1st was exactly the same position, except he was vacum extraction and i tore very badly, 2nd baby was one of those perfect births no tears but years later found my
    muscle internally split, 3rd baby i just had did elective csection, was also depending on bub being anterior , but despite all efforts at 39weeks he was headed out posterior, also watched head curcumference and he was the biggest so i went for the csection, so im also having those jealous feelings of women who pop them out so easy, my CS has been much easier recovery than 1st VB which im still suffering from and will need repeat surgery but am hoping for a large family and will atempt VBAC if 4th is anterior. Try to enjoy ur pregnancy bcos i was too worried and depressed and regret letting those feelings take over the beautiful pregnancy experience.

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    loop  (17-01-2012)

  8. #5
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    Oh sweetie, I think you're focusing waaaaayyy too much on this.
    Your baby was delivered safely, how he got here is such a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.

    This makes me sad for you:
    "But still I did feel a slight wave of criticism last time after my CS. If I cant make it next time, I will just not want to see her for weeks."
    I don't mean this to sound nasty or condascending but is it possible that you were being a bit hormonal and overly sensitive? I kind of hope so because anyone who deliberately makes someone feel bad about needing an emergency c-section is not a friend in any sense of the word.
    Giving birth is not a challenge to prove who is the better woman, it's a means of getting your baby from your womb to the outside world, no more, no less.
    I can understand feeling jealous of her relatively easy births, you shouldn't be ashamed of that, we'd all love to have a quick easy labour and delivery but you're putting so much pressure on yourself to 'perform' which will just stress you out even more and make an intervention more likely. Have you thought about some hypno-birthing classes to help you relax?

    My DD was also an emergency c-section, she was in distress, two attempts at a spinal block failed so I had a general anaesthetic, missed her being born and didn't see her until she was 14 hours old yet I was stunned when a nurse suggested I might need counselling to deal with the trauma. She was in SCN for 2 weeks because she was so tiny (2.3kgs) and I was far more traumatised by that than the circumstances surrounding her birth, especially when they sent me home without her.
    No. 2 is due in September and yes, I would like a VBAC, because recovery is faster and this time I'll have a toddler and a NB to look after and just so I can experience a vaginal birth but if it doesn't eventuate and I need another c-section then I'm ok with that too. There's is no shame in it and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.

  9. #6
    loop is offline Two kiddos keeping me on my toes :-)
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    Quote Originally Posted by sooz77 View Post
    Oh sweetie, I think you're focusing waaaaayyy too much on this.
    Your baby was delivered safely, how he got here is such a minor detail in the grand scheme of things.
    Well, of course I know this and feel like it too, but still I dont really know what to say to people that tell me that after pouring my heart out to them that it obviously does matter to me how my baby came into the world. Just like it does to a lot of other women who had a different birth experience than they had anticipated. I think the problem is, I havent really talked about it, so its still up in the air like a big bubble. Thats why I wrote this post on bubhub, because here you can talk about things no one else wants to listen to.

    [/QUOTE]
    This makes me sad for you:
    "But still I did feel a slight wave of criticism last time after my CS. If I cant make it next time, I will just not want to see her for weeks."
    I don't mean this to sound nasty or condascending but is it possible that you were being a bit hormonal and overly sensitive? I kind of hope so because anyone who deliberately makes someone feel bad about needing an emergency c-section is not a friend in any sense of the word. [/QUOTE]


    I have known her quite a while now, and I know she doesnt mean a lot of things the way they come out. In other circumstances I dont think we would be friends at all, simply because she has another view of the world than I. Our kids are friends though, and that counts.

    [/QUOTE]
    Giving birth is not a challenge to prove who is the better woman, it's a means of getting your baby from your womb to the outside world, no more, no less.
    I can understand feeling jealous of her relatively easy births, you shouldn't be ashamed of that, we'd all love to have a quick easy labour and delivery but you're putting so much pressure on yourself to 'perform' which will just stress you out even more and make an intervention more likely. Have you thought about some hypno-birthing classes to help you relax? [/QUOTE]


    Yes I've tried the hypnobirthing class, but it wasnt for me. It weirdly put me into more pressure to relax. I felt better with Juju Sundins active approach to labour and birth and will try some oh her birth skills. In a talk with my wonderful midwife this week, I figured out that its not so much about the 'birth performance', its the recovery. That was awful, so bad I would not cope this time. I am scared a traumatic birth - natural or CS - will send my family spiralling. Its just me, DP and DS. Family is overseas. So although we have friends that will help, its just not the same as calling your mum for support. Who I cant even talk to on the phone, as she passed away many years ago.
    This talk with my midwife triggered a lot of tears, so that she offered me to arrange for one of the clinical psychologists at the hospital to ring me. I will talk to them, as clearly I seem to need a vent, and talk about some issues.

    [/QUOTE]
    My DD was also an emergency c-section, she was in distress, two attempts at a spinal block failed so I had a general anaesthetic, missed her being born and didn't see her until she was 14 hours old yet I was stunned when a nurse suggested I might need counselling to deal with the trauma. She was in SCN for 2 weeks because she was so tiny (2.3kgs) and I was far more traumatised by that than the circumstances surrounding her birth, especially when they sent me home without her.
    [/QUOTE]

    That must have been very hard, and I am glad she is ok now (is she?)

    No. 2 is due in September and yes, I would like a VBAC, because recovery is faster and this time I'll have a toddler and a NB to look after and just so I can experience a vaginal birth but if it doesn't eventuate and I need another c-section then I'm ok with that too. There's is no shame in it and anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.[/QUOTE]

    Well actually, now I have been allowed to focus on the issue and talked about it to a person, I am feeling much more relaxed about having a repeat CS if need be. I wish for a positive birth experience and a better recovery, whether it be a natural birth or a CS. So if this bub turns out to be as posterior and not enganged as her brother, I will have a CS. I wont be tired out from long hours of labour, I will have made the descision myself and I will recover better from it. If she is in a good position, I will have a natural birth. I have only come to this stage of accepting though, after someone listened and said "yes, its completely normal to feel this way"

    All the best for your pregnancy sooz, and I hope the birth and hospital stay go more smoothly for you and your LO this time!

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  11. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by loop View Post
    Well, of course I know this and feel like it too, but still I dont really know what to say to people that tell me that after pouring my heart out to them that it obviously does matter to me how my baby came into the world. Just like it does to a lot of other women who had a different birth experience than they had anticipated. I think the problem is, I havent really talked about it, so its still up in the air like a big bubble. Thats why I wrote this post on bubhub, because here you can talk about things no one else wants to listen to.
    I don't think there's anything you can say to people in that situation other than to ask them WHY they feel a baby's method of entry into the world is so important.

    I have known her quite a while now, and I know she doesnt mean a lot of things the way they come out. In other circumstances I dont think we would be friends at all, simply because she has another view of the world than I. Our kids are friends though, and that counts.
    Yeah, I know a few people like that, they have a serious problem with not engaging their brain before they speak. But if she does it again I would call her on it and ask her exactly why she feels having an emergency c-section is something you should be made to feel bad about. Maybe when it's put to her as bluntly as that she'll realise that she needs to rephrase what's she's saying or just don't say it.

    Yes I've tried the hypnobirthing class, but it wasnt for me. It weirdly put me into more pressure to relax. I felt better with Juju Sundins active approach to labour and birth and will try some oh her birth skills. In a talk with my wonderful midwife this week, I figured out that its not so much about the 'birth performance', its the recovery. That was awful, so bad I would not cope this time. I am scared a traumatic birth - natural or CS - will send my family spiralling. Its just me, DP and DS. Family is overseas. So although we have friends that will help, its just not the same as calling your mum for support. Who I cant even talk to on the phone, as she passed away many years ago.
    This talk with my midwife triggered a lot of tears, so that she offered me to arrange for one of the clinical psychologists at the hospital to ring me. I will talk to them, as clearly I seem to need a vent, and talk about some issues.
    I'm in a similar situation. My mum died 4 years ago and my family are all overseas. I have my IL's of course but, like you said, it's not the same as being able to call your mum and cry down the phone or have her come over to givwe you a hug. It's great that you have a good midwife though and a labour strategy that you're comfortable with. It will go a long way to making the whole process easier for you.
    Good luck with the psychologist too, venting really, really helps (been there, done that although not about labour and birth).

    That must have been very hard, and I am glad she is ok now (is she?)

    Well actually, now I have been allowed to focus on the issue and talked about it to a person, I am feeling much more relaxed about having a repeat CS if need be. I wish for a positive birth experience and a better recovery, whether it be a natural birth or a CS. So if this bub turns out to be as posterior and not enganged as her brother, I will have a CS. I wont be tired out from long hours of labour, I will have made the descision myself and I will recover better from it. If she is in a good position, I will have a natural birth. I have only come to this stage of accepting though, after someone listened and said "yes, its completely normal to feel this way"

    All the best for your pregnancy sooz, and I hope the birth and hospital stay go more smoothly for you and your LO this time!

    Yes, she's totally fine now. She's a typical 2 year old, boss of teh house and makes sure we never forget it.

    Good luck with your pregnancy and for a postitive, happy birth with a healthy baby and a happy mum and the end of it.

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  13. #8
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    Oh, Loop I'm so sorry you're feeling so deflated, scared, and unsupported. It must be such a horrible position to be in and I can understand why you're feeling jealous of your friend's perfect-seeming, easy-seeming experiences when you tried so hard and got to here.

    The thing is it seems to me that many of the factors that brought about your first experience seem to have changed - ie you're more knowledgeable of the factors that brought about the posterior positioning, you're more aware of not agreeing to epidurals and inductions when baby's in an untenable position, you're more aware of the cascade of interventions etc. The other factors seem like they could change too - ie if your husband won't stand up for you in hospital, perhaps you need to hire somebody who will? Ie an independent midwife or a knowledgeable doula?

    It honestly sounds to me like you need nuturing, too. Like you need somebody to talk you through your fears and be a comforting presence...and it doesn't really sound like your husband is doing that?

    Sooz, I wish I could say I was shocked by your dismissive reply to Loop, but I'm not - I've read similarly dismissive things before. You might like to think about why it is that you think that Loop herself is not important in the process of getting her baby here. Of course the aim is always a healthy baby - but when she's just poured her heart out and told you that her first labour actually *didn't* have to be that way - that many of the factors that lead to her emergency c-sect were iatrogenic in nature (ie CAUSED by the medical staff attending) and that she could, in fact, have had the birth she'd aimed for if she'd been actually taken care of - instead of treated the way she was - well, telling her that she's unimportant in that because "at least she got a healthy baby" is pretty callous.

    This may be triggering for women who've had unwanted c-sects (or otherwise traumatic births) so view with discretion - but sometimes visual aids help better than anything else. Please look at this before you tell another woman that at least she had a healthy baby, Sooz.

    http://womantowomancbe.wordpress.com...-healthy-baby/
    Last edited by Tam-I-Am; 15-01-2012 at 09:02.

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    Of course it matters how they come into the world. These forums would barely exist without people trying to make the best of their experience AND have a healthy baby after the fact.

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    Awww Loop, there is nothing worse than feeling conflicted because of jealous feelings towards a friend, it's a guilt ridden place and I feel so much empathy towards you.

    I remember feeling like I was so alone in just my little 'due in' Bubhub birth group, because at the time I was the only one to have a c/s (the second lady was in our group had her C/s in the following month) and I was suffering post natal depression and not being able to bond with my first born.

    The depression, lack of euphoria, and feelings of 'failure' made me very envious of those around me who were writing their birth stories of their amazing vaginal births. I felt so blergh about my dd's birth, that I didn't even feel worthy of writing a 'birth story' because she was born via c/s and everyone was saying 'can't wait to read your birth story'. It still pains me today when I think of the feelings I was having then.

    So needless to say, when I fell pregnant the second time, my goal was to have a vbac because its what I wanted and needed all along, even if I failed to have one, I knew for me mentally, it was better than having an elected repeat c/s. Fortunately I was blessed with 2 vbacs, but those terrible feelings resurfaced not so long ago when an offhand comment was made to me along the lines of 'mothers place way too much importance on their births, at the end of the day it's not about that, it's about whether you get a healthy baby born'.

    It felt like such a kick in the teeth to me. Anyone who 'fights' for their preferred method of birth because of previous birth trauma and/or obstacles who is dimissed like that is extremely hurtful. I never stood on the roof tops and shouted 'yay, I've had a vbac', didn't come on bubhub with my birth successful birth story written, (not that there is anything wrong with that, I love it when people do ), but for me, I had a quiet time of contemplation, an inate sense of peace and for the first time I knew what it felt like to feel 'elated' with birth. They say a picture says a thousand words, and that is so true if you see my birth photo taken after I had the first vbac.

    I am very mindful of how I talk around my friends who yearn for a vaginal birth or vbac because of previous c/s, as I often wonder are they too feeling those feelings I had of 'envy', but of course would never say and I would feel absolutely gutted if I knew my delight at having been able to vbac caused them any pain or feelings of resentment.

    Loops, I commend you on having the gumption to be open and honest about your feelings and especially on a public forum where you are open to all and sundry commenting and giving their opinions. I wish I had've had the same courage to do the same, then maybe I wouldn't have spiralled into the depths of depression that I did, when I thought I was all alone in my feelings. I wish you all the very best for the next birth being the one which will bring you some peace with the outcome.

    Sorry for the long winded story!!
    Last edited by Mod-Uniquey; 15-01-2012 at 14:55.

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