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  1. #1
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    Default Not able to bond with the child I had PND with

    I had PND after dd1, near death experience, horrific traumatic birth not being able to BF all a downhill spiral really and I ended up with PND, had meds and therapy, went back to work full time when she was 10months as I was going crazy. I suffered until she was 2 and dh had a cancer scare, kinda snapped me out of it really... Since dd2 ive truly struggled bonding with dd1, dd3 is 5wks old and it seems to be getting worse. She tests my buttons, she doesn't listen to me, lies, promises things and doesn't do it etc... I'm going insane I feel like I don't love her. Dh even said he doesn't think I do.. Of course I do but I just haven't bonded properly and feel the most distant from her, I don't want her to kiss me, or give me a cuddle I feel like a terrible mum. What is wrong with me seriously?!?! I have no bad feelings with dd2 at all!!! Our relationship is as it ever was, but I didn't suffer PND with her... Any tips on how to go about rebuilding this relationship? I really don't feel like I can tell this to dh, I don't think he will take it well, dd1 and him have the tightest bond I think I may be jealous of that and it certainly doesn't seem to help the situation any books I can read?


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    Lucy Alys (July '06)
    Minnie Audrey (July '09)
    Pippi Violet (oct '11)

  2. #2
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    Wow this is such a difficult thing to admitt. I think acknowledging that you are worried about your relationship with her is to be commended. The problem lies with the horrific experience that you associate with her. I believe you would benefit from some hypnotherapy sessions with a psychologist to change and alter those triggers.

  3. #3
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    Hey Leah,

    It must be so difficult going through this while you've got a newborn. It's really amazing that in spite of how busy and exhausted you must be, you're such a caring and loving mum that you want to try and focus on this.

    Have you thought of going to counselling? I've had PND after my DS who was also a difficult bub and found it difficult to bond with him initially. We ended up doing lots of things together eg. baby massage. Could you maybe do something together that she likes - just you and her?

    I found that the counselling really helped me, though I can understand how busy you must be at the moment.

    Sorry I think I'm getting a bit incoherent from lack of sleep... hope that makes sense. Lots of hugs xx

  4. #4
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    Thanks girls, sorry to lump that one here late last night, I kinda really needed to get it off my chest. I mean of course I love her, you know, I just find myself getting annoyed at her really easily and frustrated by her but will ONLY EVER look at my dd2 with love and a sense of bonding.. It is really hard to admit- Ivfhopeful, that's why I think it would be even harder to say to dh... I think I will need to look into seeing someone but only just moved here and I suppose I wouldn't know a good local recommendation then there's needing someone to look after dd2&3 THAT'S when things become overwhelming in my head and I can't seem to come out of that thought so I just dont do anything, make sense? Perhaps just newborn daze/tiredness is a trigger, no organisation, no help...

    I thought about doing a special dd1 time but tbh, I don't even get dh and I time alone, no baby sitter... Mmm think I'll start a journal and try get all of this out of my head instead of bottling it up, at least that's a start. Woke up feeling alright but then dh didn't take toilet training dd2's nappy off from bed, after asking him e.v.e.r.y. SINGLE day since last week, makes everyone breakfast and uses the milk so wen I get up I have to make mine after feeding a newborn all morning and peeling myself off her so I don't wake her JUST so I can pee then come down the stairs to this?!?! So frustrating you know!! No one can do ANYTHING without me getting cranky!! I hate it!!


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    Lucy Alys (July '06)
    Minnie Audrey (July '09)
    Pippi Violet (oct '11)

  5. #5
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    Things sound so tough at the moment. I'll PM you.

  6. #6
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    I feel so much of this after I had DS2 but my DS1 didn't want me because I left him the week I went to hospital. I had PND(DS1) I think with him horrible pregnancy, an ivf pregnancy no labour, c section, couldn't breastfeed, no support. I felt I failed as a woman and mother and I guess I felt very resentful of this baby... But I kept going and I had special time with him and we were inseparable till DS2 came along, and it all came back but not toward DS2 he was different labour breastfed till 10.5 months a little angel (not now lol) but I resented my eldest... I found I had to rebuild my bond with him through 'us' time. I found doing activities together like swimming going to the movies and having us time and cuddling him & just him in bed with a few books finding his favorite things and sharing them with him and before I knew it our relationship became so much better we are so close now and I know now it was all just hormones and stresses to be the perfect mother. I feel you do need help with your PND but admitting it is the hardest step and you have done it! I'm here if you need feel free to pm me

  7. #7
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    When i had DS2 i felt guilty that i had a very close bond with him. Where I didn't feel like I had that bond with DS1.

    Different Births:

    DS1 - Hind waters broke at 31+5 days actually had him at 35+5 days, induced forceps delivery. Was taken to special care in hospital straight away and was in there for 10 days. I felt very disconnected from him - but has turned ou to be a mummys boy. Looking back i was an undiagonsed PND sufferer.

    DS2 - Had him at home at 38 weeks in an unexpected home birth. Taken to hospital that day in an ambulance and was released about 6 hours later. My MIL was at home and was there for 3 weeks after the birth. Within 2 days my DH knew something was wrong and he was the one who encouraged me to see a GP to get help. My DH has aid in hindsight I should of stayed in the hospital at least overnight. I suffered PND and still have days where I feel low and depressed.

    I think that it was the two types of births i had that that made my suffer my PND and the feelings that it has left me with.

    Goodluck


 

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