Never realised how scared I am of birthing again!

**RunningWithScissors** · 07-11-2011 14:13

This is my 3rd bub .. DD my youngest, was born just over 11 years ago (must change sig).
I had to discuss birth options this morning as its was our first OB appt, and I nearly had a melt down.

DS's labour was beautiful .. After 3 days of braxton hicks, the hospital gave me panadeine forte and diazepam which I took at 10pm and was out at 11pm. I woke all night with pains, but I was relaxed enough to ignore them and go back to sleep. I woke at 7.30am feeling great! At 8am my water broke in my bed, and I got organised to head to hospital. Got there around 8.45am and DS was born by just after 12pm with just a few sucks on the gas when I could be bothered.

DD on the other hand ... her birth was awful. I went into labour mid Sat afternoon... contractions weren't disabling until 7.30pm which is when Id say labour really hit. I didn't sleep a wink. I stayed home until 9am Sunday when against my wishes, EX and my sister dragged me to hospital. I thought I must be close as the pain was right on par with the pain I had in the 2 hours prior to DS being born. I was 4cm. I went walking, returning every hour to be checked.. I didn't dilate any further until 3pm when they broke my water. I was terrified and didn't want them to do it, but was too exhausted to argue. By 4pm I was only 5 cm and still not progressing. I was told the drip would just speed things up... half delirious and trusting them, I agreed. 4.15pm it went in and it was the worst experience in my life. I thought I was dying. My ears were ringing, I was incoherent, didn't know where I was or what was happening. I recall screaming for pain relief but none was given as my birthplan stated I didn't want any IV drugs. I did try to use the gas again, but was unable to because of the agony I was in, I couldn't hold the tube, or find my own mouth. I ended up throwing it at a midwife and telling her I know she wants me to die. (I did apologise afterward!) I lost all track of time and as I pushed DD out, my head began to spin, I honestly thought I was dying and kept telling myself I had to get her out safely and then I could die. She was born 3 hours after that drip and she was unsettled for a week. She screamed the first 2 nights of her life and the only thing that would calm her was to be breastfed. I honestly believe it was the way she was forced into the world.

I just can't do that again with this baby! I can't have that drip again

I could barely breathe just thinking about it.
My head is spinning just thinking about it.
OB will give me a c-section, but I don't want that either.. I'm scared of them! Its a very big thing and it's a long recovery, something I can not afford with 2 older kids who will be at different schools (high and primary) when bub comes, both too far from home to go alone. And I don't want bubs to have to wait hours for a feed either..I plan to breastfeed as I did the other two. But if it came down to the choice of that drip or the c-section..then I think c-section will win....

Ive tried talking to DH, but he isn't much help as he thinks C-section is the way to go because he can't stand to see me freaking out, and he wants to take all his holidays to look after me... As thoughtful and grateful as I am, I'm struggling with that at the moment because he is pretty much doing it all now as my MS is shocking and I feel so guilty! He keeps telling me he doesn't mind, but it makes me cry even more...given a lot is probably to do with my raging hormones!

I'd never have thought it would be so hard!

**MrsMorrisseyBrisbane** · 27-12-2011 21:11

I'm sorry I didn't suffer from birth trauma but just wanted to say I hope you are okay.

Natural birth is an amazing thing and intervention is scary so I hope you can find a solution that suits you.

**headoverfeet** · 27-12-2011 23:31

I apologies in advance as I'm on my phone and heading to bed but the one thing that stood out to me was the part where you said your partner and sister dragged you to hospital against your wishes, how do you feel about that now?

Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub app

**RunningWithScissors** · 28-12-2011 10:08

Thanks for the replies

Thermolicious - Im still pretty angry at them to be honest. I know they did it out of concern as I wasn't coping so well, plus the fact that we were 45mins to an hour from the hospital and my contractions at times were only 6-7 mins apart, but I felt I made it pretty clear that I didn't want to go as I didn't feel I was 'ready' . I just wish they had trusted ME and not the hospital who told them several times to bring me in (Ex was pretty panicky and called several times)
I'm also disappointed in myself for not taking a stand and saying no because I'm usually pretty hard to push into anything. I feel I know my body better than anyone, Drs included, I thought I was close..but not close enough if you get what I mean? This labour felt like I failed in every way possible

Thank goodness my OB is great! He keeps telling me I'll get the birth I want and there will be no interference unless bub or myself are in serious trouble.I chose him after learning he has low intervention rates, and speaking to people who love him. He even suggested the midwife care program at the local public hospital because I was so wound up. ( I would not let my pets birth at the local public hospital so it was never an option! And the other hospital I wanted wouldn't take me as I was out of their zone

so we decided to use our PHI)

Not to mention DH is totally different than my ex...he will fight to the death for what I want even if he thinks Im being silly or hates the idea, He'd be more likely to try and get the OB to come to the house if I didn't want to leave it

Even with that though, I just feel like things won't be in my control again, I feel like something or someone will fail me...even my own body.
I feel like its a silly thing to worry about if I get a healthy bub, but I want a healthy mind too!

**headoverfeet** · 28-12-2011 10:50

I think you have hit the nail on the head, sounds like your support for that birth let there fears interfer with your instincts and honestly that never ends well, I would just make sure that your birth support this time has a bit more knowledge of what's normal, maybe look into birth classes outside of of what the hospital offers, in Perth we have beer and babes classes that are run by a doula and I think she is a birth coach (I can't remember) I've found in my travels that most guys aren't interested in reading but that's not to say that your man isn't, I have just found that guys are more interested when it's more practical not theory based, also maybe look into a doula, not just as support for you but for your partner too.

**headoverfeet** · 28-12-2011 10:56

http://www.beerandbubs.com.au/index.html they are run around Aus

**Cue** · 28-12-2011 10:18

Just wanted to say good luck - sounds like you have a great OB and supportive partner this time around. Every birth is different so try to focus on this one rather than the past. I know that's easier said than done!

You didn't fail in your last birth - you got your bub out and while it wasn't ideal, you still succeeded.

**Californication** · 28-12-2011 10:28

I wonder if you had an allergic reaction to the drip? Either way, the whole experience sounds pretty awful.

If your OB has low intervention rates, then that has to be in your favour, especially as he sounds pretty understanding and you have your DH's support.

I know it's hard, but try to relax. I wouldn't say I had birth trauma, more a traumatic birth with DS, but I am not keen to repeat that experience. But I just keep telling myself that every baby is different and every birth is different. I still don't know what to do with VBAC or C-section, but have to decide soon.

You are obviously a pretty strong person to have been able to birth your DD under those conditions, but I hope for your sake this birth is more like your DS's!

**RunningWithScissors** · 28-12-2011 10:35

Thanks Ladies

Californication - Strong is definitely not how I see myself..stubborn maybe

But yes, I do hope this birth is much more like my DS's! The pregnancy is similar so I'm trying to comfort myself with that!

**mrsdj1234** · 28-12-2011 10:46

Have you considered counselling in regards to your previous birth? Perhaps with a private midwife, or even with your OB, so that you can discuss what you are feeling, and have a professional address the medical side of things (like why they gave you the drip, but wouldn't give you IV drugs, etc). Perhaps have them help you write a birth plan for this birth, that will align with what you feel you need for this time.
The only way to let go of the fear from your previous birth is to address it.