Can't go on like this... please help!

[BabyJoy]

My daughter is 16 months and still wakes at least twice a night for a breastfeed or a cuddle. I’ve had only two nights in her life where she has slept through till 6am and they were a couple of weeks ago.
She is a very happy, contented baby, but the night wakings are making me (and my husband) insane. The first wake-up call is usually around 12.30am, which is a feed on both breasts and then she goes back to sleep easily.
The second wake-up is around 3.30am and this one varies each night. Sometimes I just need to give her a pat or stroke her, and she falls back to sleep. Other nights she needs a cuddle, or a breastfeed, and rocking to sleep.
But then on the worst nights she will wake up again at 4am, then 4.30am, then 5am and on it goes until I give in and put her in bed with us where she can suckle all through the morning. It’s nights like that where we become increasingly angry at her and at each other, and I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
Some nights if I refuse to pick her up, or if I refuse to breastfeed her, she screams and throws her body back and forth in a massive tantrum. She has hurt herself doing this, as she has banged her head against the cot. She will do this in my arms as well, so I have to be careful I don’t drop her!
My husband works very long shifts and needs his sleep, so leaving her to cry is out of the question (plus I don’t really like the idea of controlled crying).
We’ve tried comfort blankets and teddies, but she hasn’t taken to any of them. I’ve even given her a soft tank top that I’ve worn so it smells like me, but she throws it out of the cot. This worked for my eldest daughter who still takes it to bed (she is 5 years old).
We’ve tried given her a dummy, but she thinks it’s a toy to play with, and likes to give them to her baby dolls.
I’ve also tried giving her a big drink of milk before bed, but she will only drink a couple of sips and then wants breastmilk. I’m honestly not sure if she’s even getting enough milk from me.
I’ve tried lullabies, but she finds music stimulating rather than relaxing.
I’ve tried rocking her, singing to her and lots of hush-hush sounds, but none of that teaches her to self-settle.
She gets enough sleep during the day, around 2 hours.
The two nights she slept through she ate a really big dinner and went to bed a bit earlier than usual, but most nights she eats just the normal amount (obviously I can’t force her to eat more).
I could try and put her bedtime earlier in the evening, but it’s really inconvenient for the rest of the family and our current routine, so I’m reluctant to make everyone else change just for her.
I’m sure she is not too hot and not too cold.
Co-sleeping is not an option anymore because she moves around in bed far too much and kicks us both so we don’t get any sleep at all.
We have a small house too, so I can’t set up a bed in her room - plus I’d really like to sleep in my own bed!

So, how can I wean her at night time without her screaming the house down?
How can I get her to self-settle?

Please help!

[hopefully2]

Oh dear. I feel your pain. At 16 months she will understand if you prepare her in advance that she is no longer having any milk. She no longer needs any night drink. You need to tell her often and repeatedly that she is a big girl and there is no more feeds at night. She does not require them she is using you as a settling tool. You need to accept that there will be a week of major tantrums through the night. Be tough stick to guns. If not your alternative is your current situation. When she wakes say mummy is here for a cuddle then back to sleep. Quick cuddle and only comfort noises. No more than a couple of minutes. She will scream when you leave go back repeat after five minutes. Then make intervals between cuddles longer. She is not waking coz she is hungry she is waking coz she needs help learning how to self settle. Call a sleep expert in your area. Reward her for in the morning for a full nights sleep. On phone so very abbreviated. Good luck.

[Rose&Aurelia]

Hey - Just letting you know that there is another bub here 13.5mths that feeds 1-2 a night. around midnight ish and again at 3/4am ish. We also co-sleep from the midnight feed to the 4am feed. I too do not believe in leaving children to cry. I wont leave an adult upset and I certainly wont leave a child.

We are aiming to try the Dr Jay Gordon's night weaning (google it) in november after we get back from our holiday.

HTH

[peanutmonkey]

Hmm, no advice but your not alone. DS2 is almost 15 months and averages 4-5 wake ups per night.

If you can check out the book 'the no cry sleep solution'

Honestly I do believe some babies over 12 months 'need' a night feed wether it be because they are hungry or just need comfort. I find denying my son that closeness and comfort just makes his separation anxiety worse.

Good luck - my DS1 didn't sleep through until he was over 2, and by then DS2 was born so I'm going on 3.5 years of broken sleep! It's torture!


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[surfergal]

Sorry probably not alot of help, but I know that either side of midnight is when a young baby / toddler will transist from deep sleep (the first part of the night) to a ligher stage of sleep. It is really common for them to wake at this time. I also agree with what ivf hopeful has said, she isn't hungry just using you as a settling tool. I think you would probably benefit from sleep school for all of your sanity. I hope you get it sorted soon.

[blondekelli]

I agree with what some of the other ladies have said. Unfortunately I think your only options are to either keep going as you are, or get through a tough week of no more night feeds and controlled settling. If you feel like it's something you will struggle with def look into sleep school.

[Bubbles10]

My LO had developments in sleep at 12 months, 15 months and 18 months. The first night she slept through was at 15 months. It wasn't consistent but began to happen more often (or at least less wake ups). At 18 months, we had another shift. We also moved her ino her own room and her own bed at this time. Although i was worried this would set us back, her sleep improved at this time.

I believe my DD needed the breastfeeds until at least 15 months. I also believe that comfort is a legitimate need. I began to offer alternatives to feeding at 12 months (backrubs, cuddles) and sometimes DD would take these up, but other times she let me know that it was a BF she wanted. In her own time, she stopped (most) BFs over night. She has a cold atm and not eating much and so wants more feeds and i am happy to give them cos i know it is helping her to get better.

We also have a drink bottle of water next to the bed so she has an alternative to BF if it is thirst that is waking her up.

P.S. i have never done controlled crying/settling whatever you want to call it. My DD is high needs in terms of her sleep, but we have provided comfort and support and presence and over time she has learnt how to sleep for longer times. CC or putting up with it are not the only options.