Advice needed on whether to have FOB at the birth!

[DaughteroftheForest]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with bub #3. I'm having a Home birth this time around and am really looking forward to having a relaxed labour and birth at home in peace. I have a great midwife, a great student midwife, an awesome best friend, family to sit with the kids if they want to be in the room and my 15 year old SIL has also asked if she can come along and see the birth, which I am fine with. So yeah, lots of support there if I need it.

My ex and I broke up when I was about 14 weeks. This is our second child together and much wanted baby. We broke up due to issues too numerous to count, but there was a lot of mental/emotional/financial abuse and some physical/sexual abuse as well. Put very simply, I don't trust him at all. At this point I can cope with being around him for short periods of time. I'm not scared of him, I just find him very exhausting to deal with and seeing him usually brings up a lot of hurt and anger, even if us meeting up is incident free. Lately every time I see him he tries to kiss me, grope me, hold my hand. I've told him I'm not comfortable with it, I want him to stop but he ignores me. It makes me feel really angry and disrespected. I have a right to not be touched ffs! I'm usually ok with a hug hello and I'm ok with him feeling the baby kick, etc. But I'm so bloody sick and tired of having my boundaries pushed by this guy

He's told me he wants to be at the birth but he doesn't want me feeling uncomfortable with him there. I don't see how this is possible with the way he's been acting. I don't want to have to spend my whole labour having to fight him off if he's trying to kiss me or hold me when I don't want him to. He was there for the birth of our DD and he was a wonderful support, but we were together then so his kisses and cuddles were welcome and I had no issue with him seeing me at my most vulnerable. I just feel like, if I'm going to all the trouble of birthing at home to be comfortable and relaxed in my own environment, why would i invite someone who makes me feel angry, upset, teary and disrespected?

On top of that, he's not at all supportive of me having a home birth. In his words he "won't support it but won't stand in my way." (I wish we had a bish slap emoticon!). So my midwife is already slightly concerned that having him, or anyone, there that isn't supportive or has their own agenda on where I should be giving birth may stress everyone else out.

I know mentally that he *should* be there, it is his baby as well and he should witness her coming into the world. But emotionally I don't know if I could cope with it. I just keep thinking if there was some issue or if I decided I wanted him to leave that there would be this massive fuss made and it would spoil things. I want to be focusing on me and my baby, not worrying about whether he's going to act like an idiot and fly off the handle if I don't want him to kiss my neck mid contraction I've thought about just talking to him about all this, and have touched on it briefly in conversation before, but if past experience is anything to go on, talking to him about will do sweet eff all. He'll nod and agree and promise me he'll do this and that and whatever else I want, but when it comes down to it he'll do whatever he likes and everyone else will just have to deal with it.

Even writing this out is making me furious with him. I'm going to have to stop now.

But any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

[confusd]

Pitty he can be there but behind some 2 way mirror so you dont actually have to deal with him!

Personally, i wouldnt have him there. From what you have written i dont think you should, ITs not going to be a relaxing environment.

If he wants to see the birth can you just film it or take a heap of photos?

[Buttoneska]

congrats on your pregnancy and upcoming home birth.

i would not even consider having him there tbh.

reading your post the first half sounded so calming, supported, peaceful, safe = all the things that would make for a wonderful birth

add in the FOB and you automatically get a shif in that energy - I can't imagine how much more intense that would be IRL.

i don't think he should be there, I am all for ALL parents being involved and am not a man hating, screw them out of the equation kinda thing.

But i think with birth the simple fact is - only have ppl who are goign to help the process.

Anyone else (regardless of who they are) needs no part in it.

If you decide you don't want him there and can't feel like you can tell him, can you just have the bub and then call him. Babies can come quick - they have no schedule.. he may just miss the whole thing?