The whole mil and sil thing

**MummaWhite** · 14-09-2011 10:10

sorry in advance if this makes no sense, its written on very little sleep.

To start off with i normally on a day to day basis have a really relationship with my mother in law until ..... my sister inlaw fell pregnant

My relationship with my mother in law struggled when i was pregnant because of clash of opinions on everything and i mean everything. I had so many nights spent in tears due to my fear of not living up to her expectations. She never was nasty nor rude but always made me feel as if i was not doing things right. I only breast fed for a short time and she had something to say about that as she believes in breast feeding for at least the first 12 months, she thinks that disposable nappies are a waste of money, i used them. You should stay at home with your babies until they start school. She used to come around every day and night to come see our kids always around meal times fussing over them trying to play with them and doing much of the same at bed times which was really stressful for me.

Now my sister in law is pregnant, she isnt going to breastfeed is also going to use disposable and going back to work straight away. I asked my mother in law if she was going down for the birth or going to stay with her for a week or so after the baby was born and her reply was oh no they need time to bond as a family alone, where was our time? almost everything my mother in law has shown some kind of disapproval to about parenting she is doing but its all become ok now. This infuriates me, as i feel like she un knowingly made me feel like crap for so long over the ways i would do things and my choices but now has a each to there own opinion with my daughter inlaw and its driving me insane. Knowing my sister inlaw she would of said look this is how im doing it get over it, and i always did to but not as bluntly as she would of.

As i said though, take out children and we have the best relationship ever.

I hold no resentment towards my sister inlaw for getting it slightly easier than me or my mother in law for taking it easier on her and maybe im just hormonal

I really want to confront my mother inlaw and say hey .... but i know it will be put down to my hormones.

My husband thinks its more about my insecurities, and need to please my her than anything else

VENT OVER

**Atlantic Puffin** · 14-09-2011 10:20

Aww

.... I have a very weird relationship with my MIL...

Does your MIL live near you? And your SIL lives away...?

Perhaps your MIL is unable to afford to go down and stay with your SIL...? Perhaps SIL has specifically voiced her opinion about wanting time alone for the first few weeks...?

With regards to the BFing and the sposie nappies, I really don't know.. Does your MIL know of your SIL's plans..?

Perhaps you could look at it as though you "broke your MIL in for your SIL"...

Just think that you made got your MIL used to all these "new" ideas, and now with SIL wanting to do them, its not so radical in her books and she is comfortable as she has seen how it has worked out for you?

**MummaWhite** · 14-09-2011 10:36

no i think its got more to do with its different with the SIL
another example is when we got married we wanted to elope and she flipped it, it was selfish and all the grandparents are getting older and would kill them not to see us get married....a few years later SIL elopes to thailand and it was a case of her day she could do what ever she wants.

We live in the same town as our inlaws, SIL live away and nah money in no object.

I really have no idea whats been said between them directly, maybe i should do some investigating.

Maybe my MIL didnt realise at the time the severity of how much pressure/strain/stress she was putting on me at the time with her opinions? Yeah all plans ect on what my SIL plans are in the open, like my MIL rang me yesterday and told me that she was getting my SIL a nappy cake for her baby shower and asked what disposable nappies are the best i was like oh isnt she using cloth she's like no she is going back to work and doesnt have time and then added well it is her choice like i was having a go i asked, i thought only lazy people used disposables and she said oh no not in this day and age

**MummaWhite** · 14-09-2011 10:41

Also it should be interesting what my MIL has to say with what im doing with our third and if she will still have a different opinion with my parenting vs my SILs as we are only due a few months apart

**TheseBoysMumma** · 14-09-2011 11:08

Gotta love mil's (not!!) lol

Mine was the same, but with just me if that makes sense!!!

I breast fed my DS for 9 months and she was always like, "are u sure he's getting enough, he must be hungry"!!
Yet when I gave him the odd formula bottle after he self weaned (he was more interested by food then anyway) she would say things like "is that that horrible tin milk, u poor thing"!!! Well what the **** do u want me 2 feed him?!?!! Lol

It was like this with most things. Even when she made a suggestion that I followed, she'd then criticize me 4 it when it was her idea 2 begin with!!! Grrrrr

I just cried my tears silently then, but now I'm 23 weeks pregnant with number 2 it's gonna be a different story. My baby, my way. If u don't like it then don't come around!! Lol

Try not 2 let it get 2 u hun. Easier said than done but just take comfort in the fact that u r raising a healthy and happy family :-)

**Uh-Oh** · 14-09-2011 11:08

Hugs!!

Is your DH the only son? I ask because my DH is and MIL is like this, although not to the extent I think your MIL is.. but I definitely got the disposable nappy line AND that herchildren didn’t need HALF the stuff I had bought when pregnant with DS! Lol.

Anyway, I blame DH! Before I came along he pretty much did whatever his Mum said, whilst all 3 SILs have been much bolder in their opinions about EVERYTHING. What I had to realise is she wasn’t doing it to be spiteful or nasty she was doing it out of love and because SILs dont let her get away with what half of DH does she tends to throw it all on DH (which really is ME!) It is out of love though.

Sorry I think I'm rambling now!

**MummaWhite** · 14-09-2011 11:18

No DH is the eldest of four kids, and we where the first to have children. DH reckons its because i listen to her opinion and she knows ill listen where as the SIL would no doubt just shut her down. I know she has the best intentions and as i said she isnt doing it in a nasty way at all and i wouldnt wish what she has said to me upon my SIL its more that why are things so different between me and her and why is it ok for my SIL to do what she likes but not me.

I know i can talk to my MIL about it but i dont wont my feelings brushed off as either it isnt or wasnt that big of a deal or im hormonal or DH getting to involed or it becoming a thing of me attacking her if that makes sense.

**Ponioes** · 14-09-2011 15:10

Maybe SIL is more assertive in the way she deals with MIL, if she is accustomed to being frank and independent with her mother from an early age then MIL is accustomed to not always being in control. She probably saw how MIL behaved with you and decided "not for me!" and laid down the law early on to avoid any of the issues you faced.

**MummaWhite** · 14-09-2011 21:40

She is a bit of a control freak, my parents are very the opposite too i might add so im not used to the opinions on everything. My mum is always there for me but only when i need or ask same with her opinions. Sooo i dont know still un sure whether to address it with her or wait to see if things change after both our babies are born or ??