Relationship strain and IVF/infertility!!

**daydreamer1** · 06-09-2011 14:25

I am really just needing a rant and hoping some of you can relate so I don't feel so alone!

The pressure of IVF and wanting another child so bad it feels like my heart is breaking as well as trying to make sure df is pandered to is driving me insane and I don't think I am strong enough to do this much longer. It has always been me who wanted another child more. He was happy to start TTC and with every failed month I would get the "oh we can have more fun trying" comment. Well guess what, I'm not having fun. I have almost completely gone off dtd and to him it is the end of the world.

Then we found out eventually we had MFI which of course was a big dent in his pride so yet again I had to be careful what I said and keep up his spirits. Who keeps up my spirits??
Df was never keen on the idea of IVF but I convinced him to try and now that we have had four failed transfers the strain is really starting to show emotionally and financially. I know I'm hard to live with, I know I'm moody and teary and all the rest but from what I have read I am normal. Other women feel the same way but I am expected to be happy and not get upset at friends pregnancy announcements. I apparently am obsessed and bordering pshycotic according to df and he can't take it anymore.

I just feel like he doesn't get how I'm feeling at all and even when I explain I still think he thinks I'm mad. Every now and then I get a little bit of support but mainly he seems so angry at me. I really think he just wants me to get over this! If only I could!

I am just feeling so alone and depressed and every day it's a battle just to get out of bed put a smile on my face for ds and get on with it. This is with me all the time. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about wanting another baby and what can I do to help it. I know I should probably see a councellor but I just wish I didn't have the strain of infertility and trying to hold a relationship together.

Just before I had a phone conversation with df and he said that I have to have a serious think about how I'm acting and treating him because he can't take it anymore and he's just about ready to walk out

As if I don't have enough to worry about.

**Rice** · 06-09-2011 14:38

I'm so sorry you're struggling at the moment - this 'journey' is such a roller coaster of difficult emotions!

I think a lot of women feel like they need to be the cheerleader of fertility - pasting on a smile as inside your world is crumbling (I know I regularly feel like this)

Unfortunately I have no advice or magic cures - just popped on here to say vent away...you're not alone

**jacklicky** · 06-09-2011 15:09

All I can say is that I could have written your post!

I married my DH nearly four years ago knowing he had a vasectomy but also knowing he was willing to have it reversed. We were lucky to fall pregnant one month after and how have a gorgeous DD. As soon as I had her DH started telling everyone how we were having no more kids (he has two from another relationship) and I got sooooo angry because in our discussions before we got married I explained how important children were to me.

Anyhow we started for bubs No2 in Sept 09 and it didnt take me long to realise there was a problem but DH wanted to keep 'practising'...like you I wasnt having any fun practising so eventually we got tested and MFI (scar tissue so its like he never had the reversal zero sperm count). We we started IVF basically after me saying it was a deal breaker for our marriage (cause it was) and with no support (financial or emotional) I have done two full stim cycles (7 transfers) had one MC and two chemical pregs.

After my last chemical he actually made a joke when I told him!!!! i dont blame him for our issues with conceiving...I do blame him when he wont proactivly help the situation by making appointments and investigating all our options.

Anyhow my point is I dont think they have any idea at all about what it means to want a baby so much that you cant think of anything else (not all are like this). I am alot older than you so I hear my clock ticking and know I dont have time to waste.

DH and I have had many a conversation about my 'lack of desire' and his 'lack of compassion' and he doesnt see to realise how they go hand in hand.

I dont have a solution for you....I also dont believe in pretending the world is rosy when it isnt but you defiently arent alone.....

**jfblady72** · 06-09-2011 15:20

holy cow i could have written your post a little while ago....i got EXACTLY that response from DH at times for #1...i had to be happy for others who announced a pg, he didnt like it if i was angry or upset, it meant i was a bitter and twisted biatch, he found me "so hard to deal with" and was "walking on eggshells all the time while in the throes on ivf" and 'sick of me always crying" (this came out in cousnelling) ha what a joke i only "showed" him about 1/4 of all the times i cried!!! the rest i hid from him....

so he didnt really want to to TTC a #2 cos "ivf was so bad" for him...this gutted me as im the one with fertilty problem, i made a fliipant comment that i would only do 3 attempts and he held me to it in several arguments afterwards...that pi$$ed me off..he did get over it cos i mananged to "behave" myself whilst TTC#2 (he did notice a cup on the lawn that i had thrown one night off the balcony in ivf related anger

)..TBH at times i was the one who felt like leaving him before we started TTC again given his attitude

so do i have any advice? the only thing that helped is that i confronted him one day in a major way after going to my own counsellor, about how awful i thought his attitude was, that what he was saying about how hard ivf was for him was personally insulting to me given that a) i felt i carried all our ivf failures on MY shoulders alone cos i suffer the infertility disease and therefore by him not really being into trying again was like a punishment for me being infertile as well etc..it bought out a number of issues and seemed to clear the air.

he does sound like my DH, my DH only likes doing things if its easy....ivf is not easy. i feel for you , the added pressure from these types of issues are so stressful

**lifelongdream** · 06-09-2011 15:40

Daydreamer1, im sorry to hear u and your partner are having such a rough time at the moment

I would just like to add, that i totally understand what it is like to be the one that is responsible for the infertility. When dp and i found out i was the problem, i struggled to deal with it and pushed him away!! He didnt blame me or even show his disappointment at the fact we may never have a baby but I couldnt handle the reality that we both want children, and because of me, we may never be fortunate enough to have them

I felt like a total failure as a woman and a human being, it is absolutely gut wrenching to know i am the problem. Please stop and think for a minute how bad u would feel if u were the one that was stopping the dream from coming true and not being able to do a thing about it, it is devastating!!!
I hope everything works out for u and your partner, i really do! Infertility is hard enough to deal with without the added stress of a relationship break up, keep your chin up and take care

**daydreamer1** · 06-09-2011 16:29

Thanks so much girls. It really helped even just writing it down. I don't expect any advice or anyone to solve the problem but just knowing I'm not alone in all this is what makes me feel that bit stronger.

Rice, you hit the nail on the head when you said about pasting your smile on even though your world is crumbling every day. That is how I feel and I only do it for everyone else and mainly my son.

Jacklicky, I empathise so much with you. We were actually having relationship problems just before I became pregnant with ds due to my df's unwillingness to commit and him saying children were not that important to him. Not long after I found out I was already pregnant! He admitted that ds saved our relationship and he knew I was close to walking out. This journey is such a hard one and even though I have support of friends and family it is not the same as having support from your partner/hubby. afterall it still takes two (plus a team of Dr's) in our case to make a baby. For me like you if he wants no more it is a deal breaker and some friends think I'm crazy saying that but for me I couldn't bear the pain of living with someone who denied me the one thing in life that is so important to me.
and the lack of desire and lack of compassion going in hand in hand! You are spot on there. You are a very strong woman and I hope the next transfer is your lucky last.

jfblady, wow! likewise for you I could have written your post. Our Dh's sound very similar indeed. The walking on eggshells comment he has used before and like you if he knew how much I cried he would have a fit. There are times in the car where I will just sit and find tears running down my cheeks. I have had sobs that have shaken my body and made my legs go from under me and I've felt like I wouldn't be able to breathe again but like you I hide it because I it would make this harder on him. I had to laugh when you said you had to "behave" yourself for TTC #2. That is how I feel I need to act all the time around df or he will put a stop to the IVF. My behaving isn't so great atm

It's like we are the ones that hold it all together and make sure everyone is happy and when can't do that anymore everything falls apart.

lifelongdream, I'm sorry about the way you felt. I can empathise because I thought it was all my fault as well. I went and took horrible tasting herbs, changed my diet and had accupuncture for 12months. I used to get so angry at my body for not doing the right things! It looks as though me and df both play a part in our infertility as I had some scar tissue that was removed via laproscopy and I have a thyroid condition that can wreak havoc sometimes but df's sperm results are very bad. The thing that annoys me though is every failure we have he pinpoints on our bad transfers (I have scar tissue around the cervix which makes the embryo transfer tricky) so it's like he's in denial about his sperm problems and makes me feel guilty that it's me. Arrgh.
I hope you can let your partner in a little and let him support you because he sounds lovely and I'm sure he would hate the way you are feeling, but I understand you pushing him away because i do the same thing

Infertility is the pits

It's just so horrible knowing that all this may break us up. I do love him, I always have. We have been together for nearly 11 years and have been through a hell of a lot but I'm just not willing to give up my dream of children even though it may break us up and I will then be a single mother

**Kimberleygal1** · 06-09-2011 17:11

Hi, I just wanted to give you all lots of hugs. I can't really relate about your partners lack of understanding as my dh is quite the opposite, I'm so fortunate to have such a man who is totally understanding and supportive in every way. Although the ivf process is extremily stressful it certainly didn't put pressure on our relationship, in fact it brought us so much closer. My dh did go through a guilt period because the issue was with him but i soon made him feel ok with that. We were quite cool calm and collected when it came to trying for number too though as well and thought well we sure do hope it works but if not well we just have to deal with it but it did work eventually and we have 2 miracle boys which I'm happy with but dh thinks a girl will complete the family so away we go again...

**net** · 06-09-2011 17:49

It is such a terribly hard process and being of the other side of it I can see how it has changed me and changed my marriage. For me I had to stop IVF because it was destroying me and my marriage. I sometimes feel that IVF/infertility and my miscarriages have damaged me and sometimes I see that this experience has made me softer. I absolutely adore my husband and he would do anything to make me happy BUT he is not able to understand what I (and you) go through in an attempt to have children. I explained (well really I was yelling and screaming it at him and eventually I ran away up the street

) that I felt like I was volunteering to have my heart broken everytime we did a cycle and when he wasn't doing everything he could to help the situtation it felt like he just didn't care what happened or was happening to me. I totally lost it, I wanted throw something at him, I yelled and ranted and to tell you the truth I still don't think he understands the trauma of it all. I don't think anyone can, man or woman, unless they go through it.

Anyway, I decided that I didn't want to be a single mother and if things kept going as they were that is how it would be. I don't think my husband would have left but I think the circumstances and how I was feeling would kill our marriage. I resented him when he drank, didn't eat properly, wasn't exercising, taking his vitamins and every other little thing I asked him to do because I thought every little thing would help. I still believe this but in someways I have had to let go of the idea of having children.

Age is not my friend and time ticks away but I have happiness, I have a husband I love, a marriage that is good (and getting better) and the hope that things will happen naturally.

I guess what I am trying to say in all this is that they, our infuriating husbands and others too, just cannot understand what we go through. I felt it killed a little bit of me each time I got a negative outcome. I heard my husband explain to someone once that he knew I was devastated and that I felt I had lost someone (regarding miscarriages) where for him he was told I was pregnant and then he was told I am not. It seemed so removed - just words. And he is one of the most loving men and desperately wants to have children too. I am not trying to make excuses for them, I think they need to develop, learn and practice compassion but i don't think they will ever have the experience we do. As musch as I never wanted to consider it while doing IVF a break can be a good thing for your relationship, but also for your body, soul and mind. Time does heal.