I am really just needing a rant and hoping some of you can relate so I don't feel so alone!
The pressure of IVF and wanting another child so bad it feels like my heart is breaking as well as trying to make sure df is pandered to is driving me insane and I don't think I am strong enough to do this much longer. It has always been me who wanted another child more. He was happy to start TTC and with every failed month I would get the "oh we can have more fun trying" comment. Well guess what, I'm not having fun. I have almost completely gone off dtd and to him it is the end of the world.
Then we found out eventually we had MFI which of course was a big dent in his pride so yet again I had to be careful what I said and keep up his spirits. Who keeps up my spirits??
Df was never keen on the idea of IVF but I convinced him to try and now that we have had four failed transfers the strain is really starting to show emotionally and financially. I know I'm hard to live with, I know I'm moody and teary and all the rest but from what I have read I am normal. Other women feel the same way but I am expected to be happy and not get upset at friends pregnancy announcements. I apparently am obsessed and bordering pshycotic according to df and he can't take it anymore.
I just feel like he doesn't get how I'm feeling at all and even when I explain I still think he thinks I'm mad. Every now and then I get a little bit of support but mainly he seems so angry at me. I really think he just wants me to get over this! If only I could!
I am just feeling so alone and depressed and every day it's a battle just to get out of bed put a smile on my face for ds and get on with it. This is with me all the time. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about wanting another baby and what can I do to help it. I know I should probably see a councellor but I just wish I didn't have the strain of infertility and trying to hold a relationship together.
Just before I had a phone conversation with df and he said that I have to have a serious think about how I'm acting and treating him because he can't take it anymore and he's just about ready to walk out As if I don't have enough to worry about.