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  1. #1
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    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Default A happy life without kids?

    Would love to talk to ppl who had always assumed they would have kids, but things never worked out that way?

    Did you 'stop' trying? Or keep on open mind? Move on and focus on other things? Did you find true happiness or has there always been something 'missing'?

    Most of all, what do you tell ppl when you start getting all the questions about when you are having kids? Do you tell them you always wanted them but it never happened? Or do you tell them something else?

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    Personally I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that we may never have a child in our lives
    I try to take it 1 day at a time and just focus on other things that are positive in my life.
    As for trying, we are not actively trying but not not either, but I mean hey it hasnt happened in 7 years so what are the odds now, but ever hopeful ... people say miracles happen!
    Over 7 yrs I have learnt to give people answers and tell them how it is, if it makes them uncomfortable to hear the truth then so be it. A lot of people need to learn to be more tactful with what they ask and how they ask it anyway in my opinion.

    When some ppl ask I say, we have been trying for 7 yrs and have done IVF etc but sadly nothing worked. With others i may just say no i dont have kids and see if they take it any further ... it depends who is asking and how the question is put to me really, however if ppl start with their stories of someone who cudnt have kids then boom had 3 one after the other or adopt and u will have one in no time or u have plenty of time u r young, THEN i really tell em how it is and shut them up

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    Buttoneska's Avatar
    Buttoneska is offline Winner 2010- Most Community Minded Thread Award
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    Thanks for sharing. Xo

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    To be honest this is something that changes over time and it depends on you as the individual person with how you will handle it.

    It also depends on what the issue is if 'stop trying' or 'keep an open mind'. For example those couples with the male that has Azoospermia (no sperm) and not doing treatment or exploring other options are unlikely to 'keep an open mind' - it's pretty obvious that there is no option IYKwIM! You can't keep thinking with an open mind if there are no options.

    I think the concept of true happiness is actually a fairy tale imagine for those even with children. I mean what about those that have children and something doesn't go the way it was planned and the child has loads of medical issues. I would say for them the concept of true happiness might not be there. do you get what I mean.

    Its about having to adjust your thinking and exploring other pathways. I don't think it's about something you get over, it's like many tragic (and stressful) events in life, it's about integrating them to a level where you can function in a healthy format and for the majority of time be quite happy and enjoy what life has to offer.
    Yes it means you live a different life and maybe not one your originally planned for but that's what's good about us humans we can make new plans and new aims.

    As for what you say to people over time this sometimes changes and who you tell what depends a lot on what sort of relationship you have with them. I am finding at the moment I simply say "that's not something we are doing" and actually most people stop - I think some of this is because it sounds decisive and final. If they ask again I simply make the same statement.

    It really depends on who they are and what relationship you have with them.

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to jackie7 For This Useful Post:

    Buttoneska  (03-08-2011),Chew the Mintie  (13-11-2011),rae81  (09-01-2012)

  6. #5
    Buttoneska's Avatar
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    thank you so much that made a lot of sense. Right now we haven't tried anything medical as such. Just TTC for 14mths with no luck. I am going to gp next week for pap smear and will talk to her about it then.

    But i have moments of swinging between really wanting kids to planning a life without them - and it confuses me because as much as I want them, I can see that life could be happy without them too.

    I am not ready to give up, but I think I am kind of accepting that the world wouldnt end if I was childless. I can dream outside of that IYKWIM. It is nice to hear someone else say the same thing.

    Of course my dream would be to have kids, but I guess I need to come to terms with finding happiness regardless.

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    With myself I never like to look back and regret, I have tried IVF, ICSI and I wonder now should I try chinese medicine & acupuncture..... I just am scared that I may just miss out on the one thing that may may just work for me but at that rate I can go on forever trying things.
    I want a child .... I have never imagined a life without one .... I do not know how to imagine a life where I did not have a chlid..... slowly, v.slowly I am coming to think of how our live would be not having children in it and sometimes it seems ok and other times it just seems so sad

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    From memory your living in a rural area in QLD aren't you fe?
    I think that adds some challenges because often the social links in smaller communities do relate to children.
    Where as in a large urban city there can be more opportunities to develop other kinds of relationships. So basically I am saying don't be too touch on yourself for feeling sad.

    Yes you can go on forever, for me my cut off point was donor embies and doing ED/IVF with GS - though early on I would have actually done ED/IVF with a GS. But that was at a time when I had envisioned also potentially being someone elses GS as well.
    When IVF/ED wasn't that achievable for me I had to rule out being a GS for someone else and then never wanted to go down the ED/IVF GS pathway myself. I was never really interested in TS.
    Working in the field you and I work in I was never interested in PC within victoria (as in permanent care) as I knew too much about attachment disorders and RAD that children face.
    For DH his cut off point was going overseas and doing ED - where as I would have done this, even had a country and clinic picked out. But he couldn't do it so we made the decision together not to. Where as I think he would have happily done donor embies.

    We both had to make comprises. But are happy with where things went.

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    Yep I am in Central QLD an hour North of Emerald & yep its all about kids here, everyone has them or is pregnant! I am the freak ... 35 married no kids, where do i fit in? no where.... but its ok. i do my own thing
    though working in childcare its hard to ever forget i may never have children of my own

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    Hey fefe76, are you close to blackwater?

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    Hey fefe76, are you at blackwater?


 

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