Comment made by a friend...

[OurLittleBlessing]

DH & I were chatting on the weekend, and he mentioned a friend of his, who has 4 children, regrets having the 4th.

I can't stop thinking about it. That must be such a horrible way to feel. I just hope that their 4th child never overhears any similar comments.

Anyway, it's great that he was able to talk so honestly about it with my DH (he is very easy to talk to), and I truly hope that this friend comes to a place of peace with his family situation very soon.

I've always heard people say, 'the only child you regret is the one you don't have', and similar comments.

I don't really know what my point is, I just can't stop thinking about it, I guess.

[Benji]

I hope he changes his tune. I, too, hope the child doesn't feel any tension or any feelings that he is unwanted

[Sheer Bliss]

It's great I guess that the friend can talk about it, it will probably help him work through why. I also hope that the kid never hears his father say this. DH's dad told him (on his 18th birthday) that he should really be grateful for his mother as she was the only one not supportive of aborting him. Both he and MIL's mum were pushing her to terminate as they were young . No child should ever need to hear this.

I am the opposite though. We only ever intended on having 3 kids and when bubs #3 was #3 and #4 at the same time - I was (and often still am) overwhelmed. But I often think how empty things would be without the youngest of our twins. DS2 is SUCH an awesome little boy, so happy (so cheeky) and he REALLY completes our little family. Maybe I'd have gone back for another if DD2 had been a single baby, but the way I handle pregnancy I doubt it. We were just lucky!!

[Atlantic Puffin]

Surely that must be mis-interpreted?

Did you ask your DP how he said it... or was it 100% in that tone of voice..? How old is the 4th...?

I hope your DP's friend is okay, and not having any depression or anything, as thats a very strange thing to actually say out loud!...

[TinyLittleTootsies]

I have been told this a lot when talking about wanting 4. About how you *can* regret them. I have been told this by people I never would have thought I'd hear it from! They all say that they think a lot that it would be easier with just the two and whish they didn't have their third (hence being shocked when I say I want 4). Even a few women in their 60's and 70's have said it abut their grown children, that it never stops as a mother and as a mother of adult children you are still trying to help them out or sort out tough life things for them etc. The stories I have been told are that the more kids you have the more chance you have of one "child" going broke and moving back in, another "child" being really sick and having to look after their children etc.
To me though, this is life. There are pros and cons to every situation. I feel sad when I hear that mothers/fathers feel this way.

[OurLittleBlessing]

I actually asked DH if he misunderstood, but he was pretty sure he didn't.

Their youngest is 1ish I think.

Oh wow, Sheer Bliss. How awful for your DH to hear that. I have no idea why his Dad thought it would be necessary to tell him that!

[Roopee]

Perhaps he meant he regretted the position a fourth baby put them in? Not regretting the child so to speak, just the situation?? The fourth changes everything, new car, new house for some, lots of stuff seems do-able with 3 but impossible with 4.

I have four and when I fell pregnant, well lets just say i wasn't over the moon, pregnancy is not kind to me in the way of m/sickness- I dreaded it.

BUT she's here and we wouldn't be who we are without her. She is the icing on the cake, our family wouldn't be anywhere near what we are now without her- she's our little light.
Yeah, my point, it was just maybe it's the situation he regrets and not the kid if that makes sense.

[OurLittleBlessing]

Yeah, perhaps you're right Roopee. That makes sense.

For the record, I really don't want this to come across as though DH and I were judging him. I just felt sad for him/his family that's all.

[OJandMe]

I have to say I echo Roopee.

I've felt this way myself a fair bit... and I love all my boys to bits and pieces.

But on really crazy days, and especially hard days with J2, who is really really hardcore.. I'll say to DH... we should have just stopped with O and J.

I'd never ever go back in time to change it, I love them all too much.

But I have to admit, once you get past 3.... the dynamic shift is huge.

And it can be very overwhelming.

I'm sure this man loves his 4th child.... but it really does make things much more difficult in terms of car, house, finances, conflicts.

Not only that... but if his wife is busy with the baby, he's left holding the other 3. Which is hard during the first year as the baby often wants/needs Mum at all the busiest times!!

DH has frequently said "I hate breastfeeding, coz he always wants to be fed when it's crazy time... so you can go and sit in a nice quiet room feeding the baby.... and I'm out here trying to feed and bath 4 other kids who don't do a single thing I say without a fight."

I know it's not his 'real' feelings on breastfeeding... he loves that I breastfeed...

But babies DO place a lot of strain onto Dads who have to pick up the older ones.

I'm sure he'd never wish the 4th away though.

I hope things start easing off for them so he can enjoy this new little person.

[Witchypoo]

He was probably just expressing how difficult he has found it with another child. I don't think that means that he doesn't love the child.