I just need to get this out - I am really, really, really angry at the world and I know it is not constructive, benefical or even 'accurate'. I know I need to process this and get through it - but when I start thinking about it - I just think 'oh I shouldn't be thinking that' and deny my feelings, but these ARE my feelings and I think right now I need to accept it before I can understand it and work through it. Does that make sense?
So, here it is - my inner demons and thoughts... please be gentle with me - this is really hard to admit to myself let alone to a forum full of parents - but I need to process this, and MOVE on. I know it's not the REAL me, I know somewhere inside I am a nice, loving person...
but right now...
I am so sick of everyone else getting pregnant. I am so sick of sh1tty parents doing sh1tty jobs and messing their kids up. I am sick of reading on BH and hearing in IRL all these stupid bl00dy things ppl complain about EVERY aspect of their birth, children, life etc etc etc.
I am angry that so many ignorant, uneducated, unwilling to learn or expand their pea sized brains beyond hitting, screaming and 1950s methods of parenting continue to have child after child after child.
I am p1ssed that god have given me un unwaiving love and desire to learn everything about children and make a differnecne in their life and I still can't get pregnant.
I used to go with the whole 'meant to be' thing but now im not so sure. The best parent I know had her son through IVF after years of trying and an ecptopic, the worst parents I know get pregnant first month trying EACH AND EVERYTIME they try with no complications at all.
What the hell is with that?!!?
I feel so guilty for feeling this, that I just can't work through it. I am in denial that I feel this way, but I do feel this way. I have avoided soooooooooo many threads lately because I can't respond. I just want to scream at them and tell them to pull their head out their bums, think of their kids, read a book or two, educate yourself and do what is best for your kids. Surely it's not rocket science. And surely not everything can be parental choice. Surely at some point these parents should get out of their own way and ego and do what is best for their kids even if it's incovenient for them?
My friend has a 4 week old and if I have to hear one more time that her son is sooooooooo demanding, that he wants to be picked up all the time, that he requires too much of her and she doesn't like it.
So that's it in a nutshell I spose, I'm a biatch who is so jealous and bitter that I have been TTC for over 12mths and can't have a baby when clearly I think I am so much more worthly then EVERYONE else on the entire planet that it's unconsciouable that I shouldn't be able to have one. Clearly I think im smarter then God and I the PERFECT person and parent. That there has been some monumnetal stuff up in the cosmos and my child has been delivered to some ignorant woemn who doens't deserve it.
So what the hell do I do? How do I work through this?