TTC and very angry **warning - offensive thoughts being vented**

[Buttoneska]

I just need to get this out - I am really, really, really angry at the world and I know it is not constructive, benefical or even 'accurate'. I know I need to process this and get through it - but when I start thinking about it - I just think 'oh I shouldn't be thinking that' and deny my feelings, but these ARE my feelings and I think right now I need to accept it before I can understand it and work through it. Does that make sense?

So, here it is - my inner demons and thoughts... please be gentle with me - this is really hard to admit to myself let alone to a forum full of parents - but I need to process this, and MOVE on. I know it's not the REAL me, I know somewhere inside I am a nice, loving person...

but right now...

I am so sick of everyone else getting pregnant. I am so sick of sh1tty parents doing sh1tty jobs and messing their kids up. I am sick of reading on BH and hearing in IRL all these stupid bl00dy things ppl complain about EVERY aspect of their birth, children, life etc etc etc.

I am angry that so many ignorant, uneducated, unwilling to learn or expand their pea sized brains beyond hitting, screaming and 1950s methods of parenting continue to have child after child after child.

I am p1ssed that god have given me un unwaiving love and desire to learn everything about children and make a differnecne in their life and I still can't get pregnant.

I used to go with the whole 'meant to be' thing but now im not so sure. The best parent I know had her son through IVF after years of trying and an ecptopic, the worst parents I know get pregnant first month trying EACH AND EVERYTIME they try with no complications at all.

What the hell is with that?!!?

I feel so guilty for feeling this, that I just can't work through it. I am in denial that I feel this way, but I do feel this way. I have avoided soooooooooo many threads lately because I can't respond. I just want to scream at them and tell them to pull their head out their bums, think of their kids, read a book or two, educate yourself and do what is best for your kids. Surely it's not rocket science. And surely not everything can be parental choice. Surely at some point these parents should get out of their own way and ego and do what is best for their kids even if it's incovenient for them?

My friend has a 4 week old and if I have to hear one more time that her son is sooooooooo demanding, that he wants to be picked up all the time, that he requires too much of her and she doesn't like it.

So that's it in a nutshell I spose, I'm a biatch who is so jealous and bitter that I have been TTC for over 12mths and can't have a baby when clearly I think I am so much more worthly then EVERYONE else on the entire planet that it's unconsciouable that I shouldn't be able to have one. Clearly I think im smarter then God and I the PERFECT person and parent. That there has been some monumnetal stuff up in the cosmos and my child has been delivered to some ignorant woemn who doens't deserve it.

So what the hell do I do? How do I work through this?

[FearlessLeader]

i'm so sorry i can't say anything else because i just don't know what it's like, but i'm so so sorry

[Chocolate All Gone Now]

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to give you the biggest hugs in the world.

I just want to reach through the screen and give you hugs

[River Song]

hugs, i had many times of feeling that way over the years.

In the end, i did finally get my little girl...but after IUI and IVF...i am permanently changed.

i hope your baby reaches your arms soon

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Gee I thought you were going to say something offensive? Is that bit still coming?

You will be a wonderful mother. Being a good parent is not tied to how easily you manage to get your ova fertilised, as you've well and truly figured` out.

I'm sorry it's taking so long. Have you taken any steps towards getting a medical opinion on it all?

It will happen.

[Californication]

just about everyone I know is pregnant too and I just want it to be me. And I have one friend that whinges daily about how hard her pregnancy is. I know her feelings are valid to her, but I feel like telling her to shut up and be grateful as there are so many people TTC or infertile that would kill to feel like she does!

I'm lucky in that I have DS, but I just want one more. I hope we both get our BFP's soon.

[nothanksbye]

aww matey.

I think you are just very very angry and anger has to come out.
It cant just sit dormant...

You may need help to deal with the anger, if you want too.

Sometimes anger gets beyond our control. I totally understand your pain and anger but i think you need to find healthier ways to deal with it, so you dont get bitter and unable to hang out with people who have kids.

I dont think you are a B!tch or anything else, just human and dealing with anger.

I get angry when people complain about their parents. I used to be unable to read mother vents, without getting so mad...I want parents...and these people get them and they stuff it up! They get angry at them loving them....

But I realised that honestly my opinion is based in anger and self pity....

It took counseling and a lot of help to control these feelings.

xoxoxoxox

[Buttoneska]

wow - it feels so much better just to get that out. i haven't said that to anyone, even myself.

mrs n - I have always been pretty laid back about it all - and thought it will happen when it happens. But I have decided that I will go to the dr when I move back to Melbourne in a few weeks. I suspect that it is one of two things - my wieght or I have scarring from my d&c in 2009.

[brogeybear]

I too am still waiting for the awful offensive bit. I have been where you are now, and even now that I am pregnant, and the fact that I do have a gorgeous son, I still feel like that sometimes. I think now that I have children I am able to have a bit more compassion and a lot more understanding for the general "I am really tired of this" vents. You will get there too when you have your gorgeous bub. But I totally relate to your frustrations over trying so hard to have a babe, spending loads and loads of time and $$ to get UTD and spending loads of time researching the *best* things you can possibly do as a parent and still not have it happen, when you see such things all around you.

Big big and I hope you are blessed really soon. In the end, I tell you the waiting is so worth it, but long term TTC does effect you, no doubt about it!

[weirdali]

I remember feeling this way then giving myself a break from all of that!

Sound like u need to stop being so hard on urself and get away from it!

Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub
Me 26 + DH 25 baby eric 13/08/2010