Support thread for mums & bubs recovering from attempted CC/CIO | Bub Hub
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  1. #1
    Tam-I-Am's Avatar
    Tam-I-Am is offline Winner 2009 - Most Helpful Member Award
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    Default Support thread for mums & bubs recovering from attempted CC/CIO

    This is sort of a spin off thread, but mostly I'm starting it for JanesMum123, who started a thread needing advice. Unfortunately it got derailed into a debate about T.izz.ie H.all. I'd really appreciate your help in keeping this thread supportive of mums and bubs recovering from having used routines, Cry-It-Out (CIO) or Controlled Crying (CC) methods, who are needing to now find other methods that work, and/or who need to recover emotionally with their babies from having used these methods.

    I don't want it to become a debate thread about T.izz.ie H.all, G.ina F.or.d, The E.zz.os etc.

    Please feel free to share your stories of CIO, CC that didn't work. Please don't use this thread to skyte about how well these methods worked for you - there's a whole section dedicated to CC/CIO, please use that instead.

    Cheers.

  2. The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Tam-I-Am For This Useful Post:

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  3. #2
    Savingfishfromdrowning's Avatar
    Savingfishfromdrowning is offline If you can't change your fate, change your attitude
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    Great idea Tam, I will add my story later, but just wanted to say thank you for starting this.

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    Tam-I-Am  (27-04-2011)

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    Wonderful idea Tam. Thank you.

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    Tam-I-Am  (27-04-2011)

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    Oh my gosh Tam, that is so insightful of you to start this thread.

    I was actually thinking of starting one myself but was just trying to think of the right wording.

    I'll be back with our story when I've got a moment.

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    CC worked for DS until he was about 9 months old and separation anxiety hit him. I was still breastfeeding at the time and the only way I could get him to calm down was to rub his tummy and if that didn't help, I gave him a cuddle, followed by the boob.

    I did this all the way up until DS weaned himself because of a cold at 14 months. I was very anxious about it as I had lost my ultimate weapon in getting him to quiet down and back to sleep. Yet somehow he just started to settle himself to sleep at 15 months without any help.
    He doesn't wake up at night anymore. The odd time that he does, I go in straightaway to give him a rub on his tummy and he will go back to sleep.
    I try not to pick him up unless the rubbing of his tummy doesn't settle him.

    I have noticed that the longer I wait with going in, the harder it is to get him to settle. If I wait too long, the rubbing of his tummy wont help. But when I go in straightaway, rubbing his tummy is successful 9 out of 10 times.


    So perhaps use picking up and cuddling as a last resort? Try to go in as soon as they cry and pat/rub their tummies or bums. If that doesn't help, see if giving him/her a cuddle and perhaps a feed will soothe them.

    No judgments here either way. I dont care if people do attached parenting or controlled crying. What works for 1 bub, might not work for another. Simple.

    Wow, my post got all screwed up. Strange. Anyway wanted to add that I never read any parenting book. I just went with my gut
    Last edited by Misschief; 27-04-2011 at 16:50.

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    Okay, my girls are playing happily, let's see how far I get....

    Leading up to the birth of my first baby, I was bombarded by advice from well-meaning family and friends along the lines of 'don't rock them to sleep under any cirumstances', 'don't make a rod for your own back', 'a baby has to fit in with your life', you know the stuff.

    My DD is born, one of THE most alert babies you have ever come across. She was tracking and 'interacting' within days of being born. She is still like this, people think she is 4 and she is only 2.8. This alertness meant that she was always going to be a bit tricky to settle I think.

    Breast feeding was not going too well (I literally have scar tissue on my nipples), I had a traumatic birth and was struggling to adjust to the reality of having a high needs (aren't they all in some way hehe) child on my hands.

    I left her to cry herself to sleep against my mother's instinct. Thinking (hoping) I was doing the right thing. It felt so wrong, but everyone I trusted was telling me it was the right thing to do. Not that I blame them for a second, I just wish someone had told me that all babies refuse sleep sometimes, and it's okay to hold them.

    Well, DD was actually a brilliant sleeper from then on, until about 8-9 months when she developed CMPI. I remember thinking 'wow, this crying business really doesn't hurt them at all, look how happy my baby is! and she really was. She would smile and coo at anyone who would look at her. She smiled and cooed while she went off to sleep from about 10 weeks on. For all intents and purposes she seemed like the poster child for a settled baby.

    Except we still had feeding problems, mainly breast refusal. She never was a great feeder. I blame the limits that were imposed on her from infancy for this. She self-weaned at 9 months. But really she hadn't ever feed well. In contrast my AP child (DD2) is still going very strong with BF at 15 months. Anyway, I digress.

    Around 12 months or so I would have described her as an anxious child. She was very clingy, and seemed unsually put out by changes to routine. Things started to click for me, and I wondered if the settling techniques we used had something to do with it. I did a lot of research and was horrified by what I read. I think part of me will feel guilty for a very long time yet. And the thing is, what we did wasn't even extreme at all... she never got distressed (we would always get her up and start again if she got worked up) had a HUGE amount of quality attention outside of sleep time, and really seemed to cope really well with it.

    We made a 180 degree shift in the way we were approached sleeping with her. She has co-slept most of the time since, we sit with her and sing to her before bed time. It is worth noting that we also still get up to her at night now at 2.8. And this is the child that was 'sleeping through' at 10 weeks.

    On a positive note, she is no longer an anxious child. She is VERY empathetic, unusually so actually. She snuck out of my room one morning recently to 'let me sleep in because I had been up with the baby' (incredible!). She is also very adventurous, both physically and socially. She is overall a very settled child and one of the happiest children I have ever met. BUT, it has taken a lot of time and patience to get to this point, and I am terrified when I think of what might have happened if we had have persisted with the CIO mentality. In fact, I'm still not convinced that some damage has been done... time will tell I guess.

    I just wish that there was less emphasis on this ridiculous notion of a 'good baby', and sleeping through the night from a ridiculously young age.

    Also, I wish there was more support for Mums. Because there are some VERY difficult babies out there, who require constant hands on attention. Of course mothers (and fathers) are going to burn out. I often wish I knew how to help my friends with their newborns in a practical manner.

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    Good support thread.

    Cc/ cio failed us.

    My DS was waking once a night for a feed at 7 months old. My mchn convinced me this was harming him irrepairably, so we had the sleep nurses come visit at home. Over e 2 days they came, he went from waking once a night to waking 20 plus times. Day 2 at the end of him crying whilst the 2 nd nurse tried to keep me away in my kitchen to not go to m son ended with me going in to get him and finding him covered in vomit whilst the other nurse sat shushing him ignoring his distress.

    I stopped it there and got a call the next day to see how DS went, id said he woke 20 or more times during both nits. They said for his health i had to leave him to CIO with no one in theroom, because nothing else would work for him.

    It has took 5 months for him to get down to 4-6 wakes a night with me rocking and holding as he needed. He has not been left to cry since. He still wakes 4 to 6 times a night, but we have had 1 night where he did 11.5 hours on his own, and a few where he did only 1-2 wakes.
    Hoping that these happen more often.

    We undid the damage with continuing babywearing cuddling and bfing to sleep and re settling the same way. I co slept for months to get his confidence up again. After the disaster he would scream when we went into his room

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    The majority of the advice I recieved bothe pre and post natally was very CC/CIO and routined based. I was given "Babywise" and it's praises were sung to me regarding the benefits for BF, etc. which was really important to me. Instead, our breastfeeding relationship was severely damaged and ended at 5 weeks, I shut down emotionally and vaguely remember being a sobbing mess on the floor whilst DS screamed and screamed all alone for goodness knows how long, because I was a failure. He definitely learned helplessness, he slept through from at least 6 weeks old from 10pm-6am. I became so desensitised to his cry that even months later when he was teething, it would take up to 10 minutes at a guess before I would even wake up to attend to him. DH was not much better. He is a heavy sleeper at the best of times, but even sometimes he would wake before me and go and get him. DH did pretty much all of the night time parenting, I couldn't face it. I had PND and just felt so useless and totally and utterly hopeless. Leaving him to cry broke both him and I and we both suffer long lasting damage from it.
    That's all I can write for now, sorry.

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    HUGS Brogey.

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    Quote Originally Posted by brogeybear View Post
    The majority of the advice I recieved bothe pre and post natally was very CC/CIO and routined based. I was given "Babywise" and it's praises were sung to me regarding the benefits for BF, etc. which was really important to me. Instead, our breastfeeding relationship was severely damaged and ended at 5 weeks, I shut down emotionally and vaguely remember being a sobbing mess on the floor whilst DS screamed and screamed all alone for goodness knows how long, because I was a failure. He definitely learned helplessness, he slept through from at least 6 weeks old from 10pm-6am. I became so desensitised to his cry that even months later when he was teething, it would take up to 10 minutes at a guess before I would even wake up to attend to him. DH was not much better. He is a heavy sleeper at the best of times, but even sometimes he would wake before me and go and get him. DH did pretty much all of the night time parenting, I couldn't face it. I had PND and just felt so useless and totally and utterly hopeless. Leaving him to cry broke both him and I and we both suffer long lasting damage from it.
    That's all I can write for now, sorry.

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