I have spent the whole morning trying my best not to drop my children at a friends place so I can die. Well It is almost 11 and I am still here. Still fighting the urge.
The thing that's stopping me, well, it's DD she is at school at the moment and I keep thinking how horrible it would be for her to come home with no Mummy.
I have to distract myself until 2. At 2 I take the boys to the toy library. I know it doesn't sound like much. But I will be able to relax there, well hopefully, and then maybe I wont feel so bad.
I do know this will pass, I've been here before, but, well, today it really feels like it is neverending.
I want out. But I also want to see my babies grow up. I am so confused. I made an urgent appointment with my counsellor, mentioned how I was feeling and I still can't get in until the 11th of next month.
So today, to cope, I have screamed at the top of my lungs, banged my head, scratched my arm, cried, swore and cuddled my boys.
I have so much housework to do, but I figure I am leaving it for my husband, who insisted on doing the grocery shop so he could avoid having lunch with me today. It also means I will have to take 3 children to an AGM tonight, because he will be late from doing the shopping.
Ok enough of that, I need to keep positive or everything will seem too much.
I'm just so lost at the moment. I need some time to remember who I am and to find out what I want.