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  1. #61
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    This probably won't seem that bad to other people but it embarasses me, I don't remember seeing my son for the first time. I remember waking in recovery, I remember being wheeled into NICU, I remember seeing my husband by the humicrib... I don't remember seeing my son. I don't remember seeing him 6 hours later either. I remember yelling at a midwife who told me I wasn't allowed out of bed for at least 24 hours after a GA so I wouldn't see DS again until the next day. I told her if she didn't help me up I would pull my lines out and get up myself, I had my hand on the central line on my neck. She got my OB who I begged to let me out of bed and into a wheelchair as I cried that my baby was all alone. He agreed and I remember the immense pain as the morphine drip was turned off so I could go to NICU. But I don't remember going downstairs. I don't remember seeing him until he was 12 hours old, and off CPAP. I've blocked all memory of him on CPAP.

    I blame myself for robbing my DD of our last months as just us two because of placenta previa. I hate that visiting me in hospital became part of a normal day for her.

    I love my kids more then words can describe but up until we moved into our new house when DS was 3 weeks old, my life was a living hell for the 10 weeks before hand. I cry when I read birth stories, jealousy for the good ones, empathy for the bad ones. I threw a magazine across the room when I came to an article about the importance of the first hour of a babies life. I didn't wake up until DS was 3 hours old.

    I feel tremendous guilt that my body failed him

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  3. #62
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    Oh London... I had tears for you reading that. How absolutely devestating to see your child go through such a 'phase'.. and then not have ANYONE help? I would have been clawing my own eyes out. I'm so sorry no one would help you.. and all I kept on thinking was
    'when people hurt their own children, others around say "but they didn't ask for help".. and yet here is a woman BEGGING for help and no one could be bothered... how many other poor women were begging just like you were?'

    Thank you

    The same thought was running through my mind when I was sitting in the shower that day. Even my best friend who was sitting next to me watching me fall apart didnt offer any help. She just asked that I txt her when I got home so she knew I got home safely.


    Love seeing soo many people being brave in this thread.

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  5. #63
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    I'm not a mother yet but I'm already feeling guilty over how excited I am to go back to work when bub is 3 months old. And even more excited to be able to go away in the field again and leave bub with my DH for weeks at a time. It in no way reflects how excited I am to be 27w pregnant and to start our family yet it eats me up inside and makes me think something must be wrong with me :s

    I just want to say thanks to everyone who has posted in here, you are all very brave . I hope sharing your stories makes you feel a bit better about things and to know you aren't alone

  6. #64
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    I have had 2-3 nights now where DS will be up and crying for HOURS for NO reason that I can work out. I've tried everything and nothing seems to make any difference to him. I get SOO frustrated and angry with him and I've just stuck my earplugs in, put a pillow over my head and tried to ignore him. Terrible guilt in the morning. I just lose all self-control in the wee hours of the morning when sleep deprived. What kind of mother is that?? What if he was seriously sick or something and I found him dead in the morning?!?

    I also still totally blame myself for our missed miscarriage. I fell pregnant 6 months earlier than we'd planned which was going to stuff up our plans (life tends to do that). I can't stop feeling the baby died because I wasn't 100% happy initially. Maybe God took him away because I didn't love him enough. Arg crying now!! Damn.

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  8. #65
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    I have many shameful secrets and have failed as a mum in many ways and i regret everything so much.

    One thing that is also a big shameful secret that i regret big time is being bullied by my parents to not go for CS off his father. FOB obviously has no qualms paying for children as he is a step dad so i should just do it but i cant as i am scared that he will get taken off me because FOB is a better parent than myself

    Sent from my GT-I9000T

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  10. #66
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    Thank you London for this thread and for sharing your story about your son. I'm not suprised no-one helped though, it seems everyone is just "too busy" these days

    Well, I have had PND for over two years now and I have a whole suitcase of shameful stories. I've yelled, I've smacked, I've threatened to send them to the orphanage, yep the whole lot. I have been an absolutely awful mother sometimes.

    Anyway, here are my two shameful secrets.
    1) After DD2 was born, I lost all of my bond and relationship with my eldest (who was 2 at the time) and as a result that poor child has witnessed the worst of my PND. She use to ask me all the time "are you happy mummy?" and the way she asked it...with anxiety and sometimes a little fear, absolutely ripped me apart. It hurts to think that I have damaged her. That by witnessing my depression, it has somehow been passed onto her IYKWIM? Recovery has taken a long time. But now I invest so much more time and energy into her, because she is hard work and I do have to sometimes consciosly make that effort to hug and kiss her like I do DD2. She even says sometimes "you don't like me mummy" and it's just not true. I adore her, it's just that I have struggled and she has borne the brunt of that struggle. Poor kid.

    2) We use to have a deep pond out the back, so our children were always very well supervised out the back. So one day my bestie, her hubby and kids come over for a BBQ. Her and I take the kids inside, the men are outside in the shed. Suddenly, my friend looks up, goes deathly white and sprints out the back, to find her husband craddling their little boy in his arms. He was ok. But he nearly drowned in my pond It was my 2 year old daughter who raised the alarm. She cried hysterically when her little buddy went under, which alerted the men in the shed. I feel so ashamed that I let that happen. I thought the men were still supervising out the back and they thought we had all the kids securely inside. How could I let that happen? Needless to say, the next day the pond was drained and sold.

    I have to say that I think this thread is a powerful reminder of how hard it is to have children and how unrealistic it is to be "perfect". We are human and we all make mistakes.
    Thank you to everyone who has shared. Your stories have made an impact on me

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  12. #67
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    When my ds was born he went to the scn after a difficult delivery. They told me i could pick him up. I didnt want to. I only fed him for the first time 6 hours later.

    For the first few days i didnt know what to do. I didnt want to feed him. When i was alone with him, i would think about how easy it would be just to leave him there and disappear. He screamed and screamed and i just cried for the nights we were in hospital.

    Then he had reflux and i was so so sleep derived. I visualised throwing him out the window. I never hurt him, thankfully. But i can see how it happens

    i hate that i didn't get help for pnd til he was 9 months old. I hate that i chose to go back to work at the same, and loved it too.

    I hate that i feel like i dont know how to be a mum- its like a case of fake it til you make it....

    I could put a million more things in this thread!

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  14. #68
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    Thank you all you brave women for sharing your stories. You very powerful stories. While we may have guilt over things we do, I think that is what makes us good Mummies.

    My guilt stems from trying to breastfeed my DS. He just would not latch. It didn't matter what we tried or what we did, he was not interested. I would try and try and try and give up after half an hour and give him a bottle of EBM, crying as I did so and unable to look at him I was so angry and hurt that he wouldn't feed from me. The relief when after 12 weeks I gave myself permission to stop and just use formula was incredible. Though I then felt guilty about not persevering. Still do. But I think if he was going to BF, he would have done it in 12 weeks of trying.

    I also feel guilt about the baby we lost. That I wasn't good enough for it. That I did something wrong and caused it to die.

    And I'm already feeling guilty about trying for another because it will take time away from my son. And I feel guilty that I get so frustrated with him sometimes that I have to force myself to stand still and count to 5 before I can deal with him. I shouldn't get so frustrated with an 18 month old.

    But I think that is what motherhood is. A bowl full of love with a spoon of guilt on the side.

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  16. #69
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    im another who loses my temper after a long build up.
    i get so sick and tired, and when DD is doing normal irritating baby stuff (its usually a fight to change nappies/clothes) ill swear and growl at her.
    not her fault but sometimes i just dont cope.

  17. #70
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    also to those who begged for help and were ignored. its so sad every one wsays 'ill always help' and to then be 'too busy'

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