I also just want to pee alone again...
I also just want to pee alone again...
Sookie Stackedhouse (10-06-2015)
I didn't read the whole thread, just the first page & wanted to share my shameful secret for other new time mummies out there.
All pregnancy everyone told me 'parenting comes naturally', 'breastfeeding comes naturally', 'you'll know what to do with the baby when it gets here, it's instinct'
Lie. Lie. Lie.
I didn't know how to change a nappy. I didn't know how to breastfeed. DD didn't know how to latch. I didn't know how to get her to stop crying. Boob was the only thing that worked. Day & night. milk took forever to come in & DD would just get frustrated and scream. She lost 25% body weight in the first two weeks. I sucked at being mum & I knew it.
I pumped for weeks. Went to the breastfeeding clinic. Spoke to baby nurses & everytime I mentioned formula I was made to feel terribly guilty.
So insted I sat on the lounge, day & night, for 8 weeks with a baby that would not feed or stop screaming.
The day she was 8 weeks old. I actually managed to get showered & dressed & get to the shops with her before 11am. The moment I walked in a saw another mum, dressed up, hair & make up done, pushing a baby younger then mine, with twin toddlers in tow (also immaculately dressed) I walked straight to the parents room & cried for 45 minutes at what a failure I was. Then I cleaned myself up. Went to kmart for formula & One bottle later DD stopped screaming & sleept for 4 hours straight.
And that was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I wish I have known about this thread earlier, il going to spend some time (whilst bf bub to sleep) to read through some of these posts. It may make me feel less alone.
My shameful secrets (more then one I'm afraid)
- I hate when DS cries, my anxiety goes so high I feel like sometimes I have to get myself away from him before I could maybe snap and hurt him
-I use a horrible horrible voice when I get angry and upset, I guess I'm trying to scare him out of whatever he is doing, whether it be having a tantrum or touching stuff he isn't supposed to
- I put myself down so much to the point I start believing it and then acting upon it, eg: I tell myself my DS hates me, so I push him away (physically, not hard) and tell him to go away. Or I yell at him when I feel like I'm losing control and tel him to shut up because I can't cope.
While I love my DS more than anything my PND is horrible and I've just started getting help for it now, it's been hard to admit that this mothering thing didn't come to me like it was supposed to, but I want to be happier and I want to feel like I enjoy being a mummy to DS rather then feeling like I'm trapped and suffer caring with no escape
Luananjo. Its tough. Good on u for getting help. Don't beat yourself up about it. I can relate to everything u said and I'm sure most other mums can to at one time or another. Learning to forgive yourself is something that took me a while to get the hang of. Big hugs
Hmm not going to say much but shameful secret is my depression during pregnancy was so bad and still is that it's going to pass on to her like hereditary... I got of meds when I found out was pregnant doc agreed...I'm just happy I survived because I was close to suicide ....😢
I know because I have Clinical Depression & an anxiety disorder too. I went off all my meds before we started IVF and it was really bloody hard at times!!
You did beautifully to keep it together as best as you could while you were pregnant & now you're back on your meds things will hopefully start to improve as each day passes. You are stronger than you believe or know.
I also worry about my daughter inheriting the depression gene that runs in my family & although she may be susceptible because of it, there's every chance she won't which is the same for your daughter too.
Last edited by BlondeinBrisvegas; 18-12-2015 at 16:50.
Thank you for the support I was so scared to post
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