I am so happy I have found this thread. I have read it in its entirety over the last 10 hours or so while holding my ds who didn't want to sleep.
I feel so guilty over so many things that I have been feeling lately and can relate to so many of you in this thread, I know it's all part of my pnd but it still doesn't help that I feel bad for even having these feelings.
Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing for him and wish someone would just take him away. He was born under ga and I didn't see him til he was three hours old. When he was brought to me I felt nothing and was desperately searching his tiny little face trying to find familiar features to confirm he was my baby. Dh, my sister, mil and bil all saw him and held him before me and mil even sent photos of him to her family, all while I was still knocked out in recovery. I felt such anger towards mil that I avoid her calls on a regular basis and feel that every time she says something that she is interfering and trying to control everything to do with my ds.
He has been a very difficult baby, we struggled with breastfeeding and when he would cry at the boob I would get frustrated with him and slightly rough, breastfeeding is meant to be natural why couldn't he just attach like he's meant to? Our breastfeeding journey is over and he is now ff, I feel like he just rejected me as his mother.
We have battled with sleeping since he was 4 weeks old, thankfully a mach nurse who held mums group picked up on the signs I wasn't coping and referred me to sleep school, I was admitted as an urgent patient. There have been moments where I am ashamed to admit I have yelled at him, screamed at him, put him in his cot roughly, put him on my bed roughly and borderline shook him. I always stopped myself recognizing my own signs and walked away to calm down. We went to the sleep school when he was 11 weeks old and I was just so grateful on my first day that I had a nurse there that I could hand him to when I couldn't cope anymore, he screamed for 6 hours straight on our first night. He is now 16 weeks old and my non sleeping baby is back
I feel so alone, dh doesn't understand, nobody else can settle him, I don't have anyone that I can call on who I trust to watch him for me so that I can have an hour to myself, (mil gave him egg yolk when he was 15 weeks old).
Thank you London for starting this thread and for those that have resurrected it, I have found it at the time that I needed it most. It's made me realize I am not the bad mother I have made myself out to be.
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