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  1. #421
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    I am so happy I have found this thread. I have read it in its entirety over the last 10 hours or so while holding my ds who didn't want to sleep.

    I feel so guilty over so many things that I have been feeling lately and can relate to so many of you in this thread, I know it's all part of my pnd but it still doesn't help that I feel bad for even having these feelings.

    Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing for him and wish someone would just take him away. He was born under ga and I didn't see him til he was three hours old. When he was brought to me I felt nothing and was desperately searching his tiny little face trying to find familiar features to confirm he was my baby. Dh, my sister, mil and bil all saw him and held him before me and mil even sent photos of him to her family, all while I was still knocked out in recovery. I felt such anger towards mil that I avoid her calls on a regular basis and feel that every time she says something that she is interfering and trying to control everything to do with my ds.

    He has been a very difficult baby, we struggled with breastfeeding and when he would cry at the boob I would get frustrated with him and slightly rough, breastfeeding is meant to be natural why couldn't he just attach like he's meant to? Our breastfeeding journey is over and he is now ff, I feel like he just rejected me as his mother.

    We have battled with sleeping since he was 4 weeks old, thankfully a mach nurse who held mums group picked up on the signs I wasn't coping and referred me to sleep school, I was admitted as an urgent patient. There have been moments where I am ashamed to admit I have yelled at him, screamed at him, put him in his cot roughly, put him on my bed roughly and borderline shook him. I always stopped myself recognizing my own signs and walked away to calm down. We went to the sleep school when he was 11 weeks old and I was just so grateful on my first day that I had a nurse there that I could hand him to when I couldn't cope anymore, he screamed for 6 hours straight on our first night. He is now 16 weeks old and my non sleeping baby is back

    I feel so alone, dh doesn't understand, nobody else can settle him, I don't have anyone that I can call on who I trust to watch him for me so that I can have an hour to myself, (mil gave him egg yolk when he was 15 weeks old).

    Thank you London for starting this thread and for those that have resurrected it, I have found it at the time that I needed it most. It's made me realize I am not the bad mother I have made myself out to be.

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  2. #422
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    Quote Originally Posted by munchkin275 View Post
    I am so happy I have found this thread. I have read it in its entirety over the last 10 hours or so while holding my ds who didn't want to sleep.

    I feel so guilty over so many things that I have been feeling lately and can relate to so many of you in this thread, I know it's all part of my pnd but it still doesn't help that I feel bad for even having these feelings.

    Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing for him and wish someone would just take him away. He was born under ga and I didn't see him til he was three hours old. When he was brought to me I felt nothing and was desperately searching his tiny little face trying to find familiar features to confirm he was my baby. Dh, my sister, mil and bil all saw him and held him before me and mil even sent photos of him to her family, all while I was still knocked out in recovery. I felt such anger towards mil that I avoid her calls on a regular basis and feel that every time she says something that she is interfering and trying to control everything to do with my ds.

    He has been a very difficult baby, we struggled with breastfeeding and when he would cry at the boob I would get frustrated with him and slightly rough, breastfeeding is meant to be natural why couldn't he just attach like he's meant to? Our breastfeeding journey is over and he is now ff, I feel like he just rejected me as his mother.

    We have battled with sleeping since he was 4 weeks old, thankfully a mach nurse who held mums group picked up on the signs I wasn't coping and referred me to sleep school, I was admitted as an urgent patient. There have been moments where I am ashamed to admit I have yelled at him, screamed at him, put him in his cot roughly, put him on my bed roughly and borderline shook him. I always stopped myself recognizing my own signs and walked away to calm down. We went to the sleep school when he was 11 weeks old and I was just so grateful on my first day that I had a nurse there that I could hand him to when I couldn't cope anymore, he screamed for 6 hours straight on our first night. He is now 16 weeks old and my non sleeping baby is back

    I feel so alone, dh doesn't understand, nobody else can settle him, I don't have anyone that I can call on who I trust to watch him for me so that I can have an hour to myself, (mil gave him egg yolk when he was 15 weeks old).

    Thank you London for starting this thread and for those that have resurrected it, I have found it at the time that I needed it most. It's made me realize I am not the bad mother I have made myself out to be.

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Massive hugs.

    Sent from my SM-N9005 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  4. #423
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    Quote Originally Posted by munchkin275 View Post
    I am so happy I have found this thread. I have read it in its entirety over the last 10 hours or so while holding my ds who didn't want to sleep.

    I feel so guilty over so many things that I have been feeling lately and can relate to so many of you in this thread, I know it's all part of my pnd but it still doesn't help that I feel bad for even having these feelings.

    Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing for him and wish someone would just take him away. He was born under ga and I didn't see him til he was three hours old. When he was brought to me I felt nothing and was desperately searching his tiny little face trying to find familiar features to confirm he was my baby. Dh, my sister, mil and bil all saw him and held him before me and mil even sent photos of him to her family, all while I was still knocked out in recovery. I felt such anger towards mil that I avoid her calls on a regular basis and feel that every time she says something that she is interfering and trying to control everything to do with my ds.

    He has been a very difficult baby, we struggled with breastfeeding and when he would cry at the boob I would get frustrated with him and slightly rough, breastfeeding is meant to be natural why couldn't he just attach like he's meant to? Our breastfeeding journey is over and he is now ff, I feel like he just rejected me as his mother.

    We have battled with sleeping since he was 4 weeks old, thankfully a mach nurse who held mums group picked up on the signs I wasn't coping and referred me to sleep school, I was admitted as an urgent patient. There have been moments where I am ashamed to admit I have yelled at him, screamed at him, put him in his cot roughly, put him on my bed roughly and borderline shook him. I always stopped myself recognizing my own signs and walked away to calm down. We went to the sleep school when he was 11 weeks old and I was just so grateful on my first day that I had a nurse there that I could hand him to when I couldn't cope anymore, he screamed for 6 hours straight on our first night. He is now 16 weeks old and my non sleeping baby is back

    I feel so alone, dh doesn't understand, nobody else can settle him, I don't have anyone that I can call on who I trust to watch him for me so that I can have an hour to myself, (mil gave him egg yolk when he was 15 weeks old).

    Thank you London for starting this thread and for those that have resurrected it, I have found it at the time that I needed it most. It's made me realize I am not the bad mother I have made myself out to be.

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Hugs. When I was in the depths of PND and struggling really bad and on the verge of losing it....I would put my babies safely in their cots, shut the door and have an hour long hot shower and just cry and cry (all 3 of us in tears). Then when I got out I would pull myself together and go try again. Sometimes I would have 5 showers a day... Some days are just really tough with babies but hang in there.

    This will pass...

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  6. #424
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    Quote Originally Posted by munchkin275 View Post
    I am so happy I have found this thread. I have read it in its entirety over the last 10 hours or so while holding my ds who didn't want to sleep.

    I feel so guilty over so many things that I have been feeling lately and can relate to so many of you in this thread, I know it's all part of my pnd but it still doesn't help that I feel bad for even having these feelings.

    Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing for him and wish someone would just take him away. He was born under ga and I didn't see him til he was three hours old. When he was brought to me I felt nothing and was desperately searching his tiny little face trying to find familiar features to confirm he was my baby. Dh, my sister, mil and bil all saw him and held him before me and mil even sent photos of him to her family, all while I was still knocked out in recovery. I felt such anger towards mil that I avoid her calls on a regular basis and feel that every time she says something that she is interfering and trying to control everything to do with my ds.

    He has been a very difficult baby, we struggled with breastfeeding and when he would cry at the boob I would get frustrated with him and slightly rough, breastfeeding is meant to be natural why couldn't he just attach like he's meant to? Our breastfeeding journey is over and he is now ff, I feel like he just rejected me as his mother.

    We have battled with sleeping since he was 4 weeks old, thankfully a mach nurse who held mums group picked up on the signs I wasn't coping and referred me to sleep school, I was admitted as an urgent patient. There have been moments where I am ashamed to admit I have yelled at him, screamed at him, put him in his cot roughly, put him on my bed roughly and borderline shook him. I always stopped myself recognizing my own signs and walked away to calm down. We went to the sleep school when he was 11 weeks old and I was just so grateful on my first day that I had a nurse there that I could hand him to when I couldn't cope anymore, he screamed for 6 hours straight on our first night. He is now 16 weeks old and my non sleeping baby is back

    I feel so alone, dh doesn't understand, nobody else can settle him, I don't have anyone that I can call on who I trust to watch him for me so that I can have an hour to myself, (mil gave him egg yolk when he was 15 weeks old).

    Thank you London for starting this thread and for those that have resurrected it, I have found it at the time that I needed it most. It's made me realize I am not the bad mother I have made myself out to be.

    Sent from my GT-I9507 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    So sorry people were so insensitive when your bub was born. I would have been furious. And the mil would be getting a few choice words from me as well over the photos and the egg incident.

    I hope your DH can start to see where you are coming from xx

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  8. #425
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    Im glad this thread is still going and is serving the purpose I wanted it to. Hugs and thank you to everyone who posted in it. Its hard opening up and admitting our shame.

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  10. #426
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    Thank you London for starting this thread.
    I have been reading along but never got up the nerve to post.

    Just deleted my whole post.

    I am feeling so guilty. Tortured even.
    I'll come back and explain when I can get my head straight.

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    This is a great thread - I think it shows that we ALL can have tough times & that it certainly doesn't mean you don't love your kids...it just means we are human under all that 'super mum' BS. My kids are now getting older but I would have loved to see a thing like this when they were young. My eldest was an ABSOLUTE nightmare who didn't sleep through the night until she was about 5yrs old, didn't nap AT ALL from about 4 months - there was more than one time I would close the door & leave her so I could just get away from the constant crying. I would have terrible thoughts of pushing her down the stairs just to shut her up. I never ever harmed her but I think it's good to acknowledge - especially to those who might be going through it now that motherhood is not as easy as many want you to believe. Keep strong all you lovely ladies!!

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    Quote Originally Posted by DueInAugust View Post
    Thank you London for starting this thread.
    I have been reading along but never got up the nerve to post.

    Just deleted my whole post.

    I am feeling so guilty. Tortured even.
    I'll come back and explain when I can get my head straight.

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Please feel free to say what you like here. I'm pretty sure there's nothing we haven't felt before ourselves. Xx

    Sent from my SM-N9007 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  15. #429
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    I'm feeling a bit foolish for the way I am feeling but I'm so tired in not sure what is guilt and what is my brain playing tricks on me.
    Today I had to go to the gp and get help for Ds2.
    He has not been sleeping for more than 6 hours a day for months.
    He is 17 months.
    We have had issues since birth. I have had to fight for every little bit of help from anyone I could.
    He had not put on any weight since 11 months. Has developmental delay and tongue issues due to a late release of his tongue tie.
    So... Im feeling guilty for having to sedate him to get any sleep.
    I'm feeling resentful that no one will help until it's this bad.
    My Ds1 is getting not enough time from me and he is special needs and on holidays. I'm sick of yelling at everything. He is only 7.
    I lost it at dh the other day then Ds1 had to cuddle me coz I was crying cooking dinner. I almost fell asleep driving them to the doctor today.

    I have had thoughts of slapping Ds1 for waking his brother. Not letting me get things done /helping.

    I'm just writing and deleting now so I'll stop.
    I'm sorry if tat didn't make any sense. I'm so tired of it all. But I can't sleep for the guilt and worry.


    Sent from my GT-I9300 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  16. #430
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    Quote Originally Posted by DueInAugust View Post
    I'm feeling a bit foolish for the way I am feeling but I'm so tired in not sure what is guilt and what is my brain playing tricks on me.
    Today I had to go to the gp and get help for Ds2.
    He has not been sleeping for more than 6 hours a day for months.
    He is 17 months.
    We have had issues since birth. I have had to fight for every little bit of help from anyone I could.
    He had not put on any weight since 11 months. Has developmental delay and tongue issues due to a late release of his tongue tie.
    So... Im feeling guilty for having to sedate him to get any sleep.
    I'm feeling resentful that no one will help until it's this bad.
    My Ds1 is getting not enough time from me and he is special needs and on holidays. I'm sick of yelling at everything. He is only 7.
    I lost it at dh the other day then Ds1 had to cuddle me coz I was crying cooking dinner. I almost fell asleep driving them to the doctor today.

    I have had thoughts of slapping Ds1 for waking his brother. Not letting me get things done /helping.

    I'm just writing and deleting now so I'll stop.
    I'm sorry if tat didn't make any sense. I'm so tired of it all. But I can't sleep for the guilt and worry.


    Sent from my GT-I9300 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Hugs. Sleep deprivation is a terrible thing. Do you have anyone who could look after the boys for an afternoon so you can have some 'me' time.


 

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