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  1. #31
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    I have tried writing a million times but I can not write my failures.I can not put it out there.
    In summary I have nearly killed my daughter during the worst period of my life(PPP postpartum psychosis)
    I believe my family would be better of without DH but can't leave because I have no where to go except my mums and to me DH is the lesser of 2 evils.He is a wonderful father and loves the girls more then life but he is terrible with money,gambling and alcohol and I am forever making excuses why I can't buy the kids things because he has wasted the money.Every week is a struggle.
    One day my kids are going to wake up and realise what a crap mother I am and they will leave and feel about me the way I do my mum.

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    RipperRita  (18-03-2011)

  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissScorpio View Post
    OMG BIG MASSIVE GIANT SLOPPY HUGS TO EVERYONE!

    far out im actually crying and im at work lol!!!

    You all super heros!!!!

    DD is only 14 months so ive probably still got many more shameful mummy moments to come but my most recent that i can think of off the top of my head right now is from her recent sleep/waking issues (not sure if you read the thread or not but basically she was wwaking eveyr hour and either not sleeping in her own bed or just playing up in mine - i was utterly mentally physically emotionally exhauseted and checked out)
    Anyway at one point i wanted to try an just re BF back to sleep and then put her to her cot - even if it mean for only an hour, i just did not want to sleep with her that night cuz i knew she'd just want to play. it took so damned long for her to fall asleep in my arms and then as soon as i lay her down and pulled the side of the cot up, she stood up screaming and crying at me and reaching out and in my exhausted state, i fell back on the spare bed and screamed at her "WHY WONT YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP" and i laid there crying for a little while as she cried until i just got up and took her to my bed

    i felt so bad and im so glad that her sleep seems to be fixed for now as i dont know how else i would've reacted if it went on for longer than it did.
    I understand how hard that is. My DS was always a terrible sleeper, but when he hit 2 year old it started to get worse and worse. We dicovered that the reason that he wasn't sleeping was because he had enlarged adenoids and severe glue ear, unfortunately had a 3 month wait for surgery. In the weeks before his surgery, even sleeping in my bed he was waking every hour. On top of that, I had recently become a single mother, moved out on my own, and was trying to complete year 12 at tafe. There were so many nights I just lay there bawling my eyes out, it was truly the most difficult time that I've ever been through, like a PP said, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and it can break even the strongest of mothers.

  4. #33
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    Alright Nomsie. Please reinstate my original post if possible. I was scared everyone would just read it and not share their own. Its wonderful to see people being so brave and hopefully this thread helps at least one person.

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Girls Only Club View Post
    I have tried writing a million times but I can not write my failures.I can not put it out there.
    In summary I have nearly killed my daughter during the worst period of my life(PPP postpartum psychosis)
    I believe my family would be better of without DH but can't leave because I have no where to go except my mums and to me DH is the lesser of 2 evils.He is a wonderful father and loves the girls more then life but he is terrible with money,gambling and alcohol and I am forever making excuses why I can't buy the kids things because he has wasted the money.Every week is a struggle.
    One day my kids are going to wake up and realise what a crap mother I am and they will leave and feel about me the way I do my mum.
    Oh honey...I could not read that without giving you lots of these

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    laurea  (24-02-2012)

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    Quote Originally Posted by The Girls Only Club View Post
    I have tried writing a million times but I can not write my failures.I can not put it out there.
    In summary I have nearly killed my daughter during the worst period of my life(PPP postpartum psychosis)
    I believe my family would be better of without DH but can't leave because I have no where to go except my mums and to me DH is the lesser of 2 evils.He is a wonderful father and loves the girls more then life but he is terrible with money,gambling and alcohol and I am forever making excuses why I can't buy the kids things because he has wasted the money.Every week is a struggle.
    One day my kids are going to wake up and realise what a crap mother I am and they will leave and feel about me the way I do my mum.

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    laurea  (24-02-2012)

  10. #36
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    I have a hard time getting along with children who are in the 5,6,7 yr old age group. I don't like them at that age and I don't know why. Before that...fine...after that it gets better, but those few years (give or take) I really don't like my children (love them to bits though )

  11. #37
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    Being a mum is the hardest job in the world. Sometimes it can feel very unrewarding!

    I have major guilt over 3 things in my life, unfortunately they all happened to my DS which makes it even harder to bear

    First one was breastfeeding. He was about 6-7 months old and started fussing at the breast. He was angry, frustrated and seemed like he was hungry. He started loosing weight and I freaked. I spoke to the Dr, the MCHN and eventually the ABA who all told me he was fine, he was just going through a growth spurt, or just being fussy. I had plenty of milk, my body knew what to do etc.
    Against my own better judgement and gut feeling, I trusted the people who were supposed to know.
    When he was 8 months old, he was in a right royal state while I was on a day trip with my sister. Frustrated beyond belief, I went to a supermarket, brought a bottle, bottled water and a tin of formula. DS practically INHALED it. He scoffed it down so fast I burst into tears. This child had NEVER accepted a bottle, ever. Not even EBM and God knows I tried! In a matter of minutes it was gone, I could see him satisfied with every gulp. And he was content afterwards.
    I vowed never to listen to a "professional" again. That vow has saved my kids many times.
    I still cry over it, my stomach is in knots as I write this, all I want to do is go get my now 11 year old from school and hug him tight!

    Second one was wanting to give him up to his father. I didn't want him living with me anymore, I was scared of him. I was scared for DD and I was over my house being destroyed. Dealing with him sent me into a pit of depression so deep that I was barely functioning.
    I marched him into the Dr, broke down and told him that if we both don't get help, I'm going to abandon my life. He was later diagnosed with ADHD and its perfectly managed now.


    Third one was last year. I was having coffee with a friend. The kids were playing on the restaurants indoor play equipment. Normally I don't let them play unsupervised, I'm paranoid like that, but I'm trying to allow him some freedom as he is 11 after all, and I know its time.The whole damn place was filled with kids younger than mine playing on their own, and I let that guide my poor judgement.
    Well, he fell off the equipment and dislocated his elbow. I was horrified. I totally blame myself. It makes me sick in the stomach to think I put a stupid coffee and chat in front of supervising my child.
    I'll never forget the image of him walking over to me with his elbow hanging. It makes me want to vomit. I wasn't there for him when he needed me most, instead he picked himself up off the floor, badly injured, to come and get me. There is NO EXCUSE, no words in the effing world for that. Actually there is..its disgraceful parent. I'll never forgive myself.

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  13. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deserama View Post
    I have a hard time getting along with children who are in the 5,6,7 yr old age group. I don't like them at that age and I don't know why. Before that...fine...after that it gets better, but those few years (give or take) I really don't like my children (love them to bits though )
    me too! another shame moment for me (not for my own child) i hate my friends 6 yr old boy. he is a right royal pain in my @$$ and i just dont like him. I feel bad about because up until a few years ago, i loved him and would talk so highly of him and his good behaviour but now i dread the thought of him even being in my presence or house what a sh*t friend huh

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  15. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by RunningWithScissors View Post
    There is NO EXCUSE, no words in the effing world for that. Actually there is..its disgraceful parent. I'll never forgive myself.
    There is no way in the world you are a disgraceful parent! Accidents happen, and you really can't be there to supervise every moment of the day. It is entirely understandable that you wanted to give him some independence at 11 yrs old, and by being inside watching him it is likely that you still wouldn't have prevented the accident! AND - yes you were there for him! He came straight to you, and you looked after him. I think it sounds like he has an amazing mum.

    This thread is making me cry. So many awesome women all blaming themselves, and being so hard on themselves. And I get it, as I do it too.

    I've been so up and down since DD was born (8.5mths ago), and last week I went to the doctor complaining of tiredness and 'hormones' making me teary. She immediately started talking to me about PND, and I immediately burst into tears. Now, I don't think I have PND. I've done the test that she gave me, and scored 'borderline', but I do know that I have found being a parent both the most wonderful thing I ever did and also the hardest thing I ever did.

    One thing that has helped me feel so much better has been that my parents have DD one day a week. And I feel terrible that I need that break to feel better. I feel as if everyone else is coping fine, and no one else needs a break, and that I must be a terrible person for needing that time out.

    I think we all (me included) need to remember that we're not alone. It IS hard. And there is no shame in admitting that. It doesn't mean we love our children any less!

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  17. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    There is no way in the world you are a disgraceful parent! Accidents happen, and you really can't be there to supervise every moment of the day. It is entirely understandable that you wanted to give him some independence at 11 yrs old, and by being inside watching him it is likely that you still wouldn't have prevented the accident! AND - yes you were there for him! He came straight to you, and you looked after him. I think it sounds like he has an amazing mum.
    Thats really mean! You made me cry! Just kidding about the mean thing, but it did make me cry..
    I feel like it was preventable and thats what gets me most, he was swinging on the monkey bars and fell, if I was there I would have told him not to swing so high! The Ambos wanted to sedate me because I was barely able to breathe, and my stomach was cramping so badly I was crying. I refused, felt like I should be in pain cos he was. I know thats silly, but guilt does strange things to a brain. Ironically, the Dr asked me first off if he was on monkey bars! Number 1 cause of elbow injuries according to him.


 

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