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  1. #301
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    I'm not ashamed to share my horrible parenting stories (and I have lots of them!) if it helps someone else.

    I guess my issues started when I found out I was having twins.. I have many threads here on BH from back at that time discussing how upset I was at this news... I mourned the fact I wouldn't have one single baby to love.. I wouldn't have a close bond with my first child, I would have to spread myself between two. I cried for months on end and I suddenly hated the idea of being pregnant. Of course I didn't dream of aborting... but it wasn't the textbook "I love my baby so much" thoughts that most mothers talk about during their pregnancy. (And it's only now, 2.5 years later that I have VERY strong feelings towards my sons of the "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU" variety. And that itself is just so shameful to me)

    And then of course once they came I was a mess. I am so thankful my Mum put her life on hold for 6 months to exclusively help me. MY DP was hopeless and hardly ever home.. and I just didn't know what to do with two very active children who hardly ever slept, and both wanted to be cuddled all day. I just didn't have laid back children like some lucky mothers do.. and add that to the fact I was already frazzled just because there were two of them and it was a dynamic mix in all the wrong ways.

    I would break into hysteria because I didn't know what to dress them in for the night. I wasn't sleeping, and hardly eating or drinking enough (or of the right stuff) to be giving them proper breastmilk in the early days.

    On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.

    I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.

    But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.

    Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.

    And really, that's just the tip of the iceberg. So if it helps anyone realise that mistakes in parenting aren't just of the acciden variety, then I'm glad that shaming myself so publicy has served its purpose.
    Thanks for this Nomsie. I too have twin boys - 7 months old -- they don't sleep and I have been doing it on my own for too long. Thanks for being brutally honest - makes me realize I am not alone in feeling the way I do!

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  3. #302
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    Big hugs to everyone. Im so glad this thread hasnt been derailed at all, I think its important everyone has a place to vent without negative comments

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  5. #303
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    Quote Originally Posted by Squishy115 View Post
    Thanks for this Nomsie. I too have twin boys - 7 months old -- they don't sleep and I have been doing it on my own for too long. Thanks for being brutally honest - makes me realize I am not alone in feeling the way I do!
    It is really, really hard being the main carer for twins... I know some people do it really easily, but in my experience it was anything but. I remember saying to my mother, "I know now why some women hurt their children".. she of course was horrified, and demanded I call her if I ever get to that stage... but I was just making a point of how quickly babies can push us to our limits.

    I hope you have someone who can help you out on occasion, or at least someone you can talk to.. by 7 months you really have passed the worst of it, and it does keep getting better from here on in (right now I have one on the chair behind me, and one on the chair next to me, running their fingers through my hair and giving me cuddles- better than paying to go to a spa )

  6. #304
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    I'm sitting here in tears, FTM. I have had so many of the feelings you're describing. I feel like we are a little similar in some ways, although our stories are very different: I always felt I'd be too selfish to be mother. I found myself sobbing into my pillow last night because I gave my son Panadol after two hours awake in the middle of the night because I was desperate for him to sleep. I never knew how hard it would be, or how much anger you can feel for an innocent little soul that you adore, who only needs your love and protection. I have been completely thrown by my DS's stubbornness and unwillingness to yield into whatever routines and systems I try to throw his way. He sleeps exactly when he wants to sleep - we keep to the same routines and sleep cues but if he ain't sleeping there's nothing I can do. My husband does barely anything. I haven't had a full night's sleep for eight months.

    I'm not trying to be PLOM, just, I guess, you're not alone. And I'm not alone. There are dozens of us struggling to keep our heads above water. But I can tell you this: after 12 weeks it gets easier. It gets more rewarding as your little one will be able to respond to you with smiles and cuddles and kisses and show you just how much she adores you. You are her world. You will find your stride.

    And you are a wonderful mother. I know how much you love your daughter. That's all she needs right now. There's no such thing as a perfect mother. But we are all here beside you in our imperfections too.

    Please seek help from your GP if you are feeling this way often. And tell your husband to pull his finger out. He will never get this time back, and it goes so quickly xx
    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...

    I want you both to know your doing a great job. I was born to be a mum, it was all I ever wanted. You know what I have had weeks and months where I didn't know how I was going to get through the next hour nether-lone the next day. It ok to feel this way. Every mum has felt this way at some point.

    It's great that you are letting those feeling out, it helps. Take each hour as it comes and seek help from your gp if you need it, TALK to someone your comfortable with regularly. If you can find someone to give you 30 mins break take it. Everyone needs to recharge their batteries.

    There is no such thing as the perfect mum. There only us the women of the world trying to find what works for us and our babies. Please remember no two babies are a like. You need to try different things to find what works for that baby. So you/it haven't failed, it just wasn't right for that baby.

    Do things to make your life easier makes for a happier mum and that is in the best interest for your child. If your less stress you baby is more likely to settle so in no way is it selfish to put things in place to make your life easier.

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  8. #305
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    Abubby I think this all the time ... I feel like the old me is gone.
    I often feel like this too. Often.

    When I had DS1 I actually felt enriched, like he'd added to me, made me be a better person.

    But I usually feel like DS2 and DS3 have stolen my soul and turned me into someone I don't recognise. And I don't particularly like her.

    DD is much more like DS1. We often joke that if we'd just had the two of them we'd be certain we were perfect parents... I'd be absolutely intolerable on here

    PS And some days I do wish it was just the two of them

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    I often feel that despite raising my step-daughter full time, I'm just not cut out to be a step parent, it's by far the hardest most emotional thing I've ever done. How will I feel when my biological child is born, am I going to neglect her because my baby is really 'mine' and I'm not surrogate mother like I am with her. I don't want to push her away cause I have my own, I consider her mine. But what if I'm not strong enough to keep those feelings away.

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  12. #307
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    Anewme you are such good value!! You are Mummy Whisperer.
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambjam View Post
    I often feel like this too. Often.

    When I had DS1 I actually felt enriched, like he'd added to me, made me be a better person.

    But I usually feel like DS2 and DS3 have stolen my soul and turned me into someone I don't recognise. And I don't particularly like her.

    DD is much more like DS1. We often joke that if we'd just had the two of them we'd be certain we were perfect parents... I'd be absolutely intolerable on here

    PS And some days I do wish it was just the two of them
    I get this!

    My older 3 boys were quite 'easy' I even seem to be getting through the teenage years mostly unscathed.

    DD came along and knocked the wind right out of my possibly overconfident sails..... So humbling.

    My best friend after hearing me complain over and over again that the baby literally doesn't sleep offered to come over for the day 'lets tag team the little monster' between us we were the mother of 7 boys and she is also a nurse..... Well all I can say is she left at the end of the day and said ' mate I'm exhausted I don't know how you do it' lol

    Can laugh about it now ...

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    FTM and Mrs Harvey...I was born to be a Mum and I never thought I'd be too selfish to be a Mum because nurturing is a really big part of who I am...plus, I'm not a young Mum and I thought I would be ready.

    But, oh boy, I suffer all of the same self-doubts and self-criticisms that I have just read you mention about yourselves. This 24/7 is a completely different experience.

    Being a Mum is soooo hard. Like Anewme said, sometimes it helps to take things hour by hour and not think too far ahead...thst can be way too scary.

    Thank you for sharing...it really helps...you too Lambjam.

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    I love this thread, does anyone know why it can't be a sticky?
    It's great to see it being used a few years after it started, it needs to be a book or something!!

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