Thanks for this Nomsie. I too have twin boys - 7 months old -- they don't sleep and I have been doing it on my own for too long. Thanks for being brutally honest - makes me realize I am not alone in feeling the way I do!I'm not ashamed to share my horrible parenting stories (and I have lots of them!) if it helps someone else.
I guess my issues started when I found out I was having twins.. I have many threads here on BH from back at that time discussing how upset I was at this news... I mourned the fact I wouldn't have one single baby to love.. I wouldn't have a close bond with my first child, I would have to spread myself between two. I cried for months on end and I suddenly hated the idea of being pregnant. Of course I didn't dream of aborting... but it wasn't the textbook "I love my baby so much" thoughts that most mothers talk about during their pregnancy. (And it's only now, 2.5 years later that I have VERY strong feelings towards my sons of the "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU" variety. And that itself is just so shameful to me)
And then of course once they came I was a mess. I am so thankful my Mum put her life on hold for 6 months to exclusively help me. MY DP was hopeless and hardly ever home.. and I just didn't know what to do with two very active children who hardly ever slept, and both wanted to be cuddled all day. I just didn't have laid back children like some lucky mothers do.. and add that to the fact I was already frazzled just because there were two of them and it was a dynamic mix in all the wrong ways.
I would break into hysteria because I didn't know what to dress them in for the night. I wasn't sleeping, and hardly eating or drinking enough (or of the right stuff) to be giving them proper breastmilk in the early days.
On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.
I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.
But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.
Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.
And really, that's just the tip of the iceberg. So if it helps anyone realise that mistakes in parenting aren't just of the acciden variety, then I'm glad that shaming myself so publicy has served its purpose.