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  1. #21
    MyFourCubs's Avatar
    MyFourCubs is offline MyThreeCubs plus one- I am the luckiest Mum in the world...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.

    I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.

    But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.

    Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.

    .
    Oh Nomsie.... I could have written that. I really could and I can't thank you enough for sharing it.

    Alex obviously more so than the others- I recall more than a few times where I "dumped" him in his cot. No, not threw or shook or anything like that but it certainly wasn't gentle. There were certainly times that I yelled at him. My Dh would come home in the evening and I would meet him at the door and throw Alex at him and tell him to take him the hell away. There were multiple times that I would be patting him in my arms and the screaming would still escalate and that pat would become more like a ..... smack. He always was wrapped and it was always through his nappy so I wouldn't have hurt him but it was the lack of control on my part, the anger, the desperation that scared me. I had many seriously awful thoughts of throwing him across the room. (I never did, just to be clear,) but again, it scared the crap out of me. I also recall one day visulaising me suffocating him with a pillow. I HATED myself at that time, I hated who I was becoming. It is a horrible, shameful time in my life that brings tears to my eyes reliving it but as I said in my previous post, sometimes your babies and children are really, really hard to love. A baby who screams at you for hours, who deprievs you of sleep, who proceeds to take all your enjoyement out of life, is almost the equivalent of repeat punches to the face. You only take so much before you snap.

    Luckily I never hurt him, I thought seriously about throwing myself off a cliff on more than one occassion though. What an awful, awful time.

    I also have days when I shamefully love one hild more than another although I would never admit it outloud. I do love ALL of them, I really do, but some days I definaetly FAVOUR one more than another..........

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  3. #22
    Veritas's Avatar
    Veritas is offline Diversity has value.... How boring would the world be if everyone was just like you...
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    I dont feel ashamed of this but get surprised at the amount of people who have made comment...

    Later this year I'll be going overseas for 6 weeks to see DP, alone... When people ask if I'm taking DD I've had many people shocked when I tell them she's staying here with family.... I've been doing this gig alone for almost five years.... Six weeks just for me is nothing, and nope I don't feel guilty....

    Shes the most amazing little person I've ever met, but there have been times I've wished I had the freedom to pack up everything and go exploring the world too, a freedom I don't have with her...

  4. #23
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    I was about to get onto the highway and pull out where alot of accidents have happened, All of a sudden I get a hug from my 3 year old I turn around to see I forgot to do his seatbelt up!! I felt so damn upset over it.

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  6. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsTiggyWinkle View Post
    Also its better now but for a long time and until fairly recently i have preferred dd2. I love dd1 to bits but she has been a real challenge and dd2 is a dream child. There have been times i wanted to give dd1 away, didn't want her near me, get cross with her then turn to dd2 and am nice as pie... I feel like a real bish that i can't treat her like a child who needs my love and understanding, not my impatience
    I am going through the same feelings at the moment. She annoys me so much easier than anything else can. She talks all. the. time. She cries all. the. time. She is always hungry. She never listens to me. She always talks in a whiney voice. She wakes up more times in the night than her baby sister. I love her, and I miss hee when she isn't around me, but 30 mins after she wakes up and I am already looking forward to bedtime.

    I think it has a lot to do with the terrible 3s. She is so trying and her baby sister is so much easier to handle. I know this phase will pass and I will feel better about things.

    Now, to read the rest of the thread.

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    I don't think I can share mine....because it is awful, and something that I truly am so ashamed of In fact, just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes and makes me feel sick to the stomach I'll just say that I am so damn glad that I found my way out of that dark place, and I am so glad that DS's sleep issues were resolved when they were, because sleep deprivation turned me into a terrible mother who was unable to cope

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  10. #26
    MyFourCubs's Avatar
    MyFourCubs is offline MyThreeCubs plus one- I am the luckiest Mum in the world...
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~ElectricPink~ View Post
    I don't think I can share mine....because it is awful, and something that I truly am so ashamed of In fact, just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes and makes me feel sick to the stomach I'll just say that I am so damn glad that I found my way out of that dark place, and I am so glad that DS's sleep issues were resolved when they were, because sleep deprivation turned me into a terrible mother who was unable to cope

  11. #27
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    missY yep i totally identify with that! When one is so hard to manage and the other is easy and you are stretched to the limit! When i can rationalise it i say to myself that if they were adults, maybe siblings or close friends, i would feel the same. Its harder because mother's guilt is added into the equation. And then i shudder when i think that my dream baby will grow OUT of being a dream baby. Not too soon please!

  12. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~ElectricPink~ View Post
    I don't think I can share mine....because it is awful, and something that I truly am so ashamed of In fact, just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes and makes me feel sick to the stomach I'll just say that I am so damn glad that I found my way out of that dark place, and I am so glad that DS's sleep issues were resolved when they were, because sleep deprivation turned me into a terrible mother who was unable to cope

  13. #29
    Gothel's Avatar
    Gothel is offline Skip the drama, stay with Mama!
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~ElectricPink~ View Post
    I don't think I can share mine....because it is awful, and something that I truly am so ashamed of In fact, just thinking about it has brought tears to my eyes and makes me feel sick to the stomach I'll just say that I am so damn glad that I found my way out of that dark place, and I am so glad that DS's sleep issues were resolved when they were, because sleep deprivation turned me into a terrible mother who was unable to cope
    sleep deprivation is a form of torture used to break the strongest and bravest of people. I'm glad you are in a better place now.

  14. #30
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    OMG BIG MASSIVE GIANT SLOPPY HUGS TO EVERYONE!

    far out im actually crying and im at work lol!!!

    You're all super heros!!!!

    DD is only 14 months so ive probably still got many more shameful mummy moments to come but my most recent that i can think of off the top of my head right now is from her recent sleep/waking issues (not sure if you read the thread or not but basically she was wwaking eveyr hour and either not sleeping in her own bed or just playing up in mine - i was utterly mentally physically emotionally exhauseted and checked out)
    Anyway at one point i wanted to try an just re BF back to sleep and then put her to her cot - even if it mean for only an hour, i just did not want to sleep with her that night cuz i knew she'd just want to play. it took so damned long for her to fall asleep in my arms and then as soon as i lay her down and pulled the side of the cot up, she stood up screaming and crying at me and reaching out and in my exhausted state, i fell back on the spare bed and screamed at her "WHY WONT YOU JUST GO TO SLEEP" and i laid there crying for a little while as she cried until i just got up and took her to my bed

    i felt so bad and im so glad that her sleep seems to be fixed for now as i dont know how else i would've reacted if it went on for longer than it did.

    (ETA re fixing her sleep, i dont tell many people because it's "frowned upon" and "letting them cry will hurt them and cause them phsycological distress" and "sometimes they jiust need extra attention" but, after ONE night of tough love and letting her cry for 2 half hour intervals, she has now slept perfectly for 3 nights in a row without a peep. Now tell me that reacting the way i did above cuz im so worn out from gentle methods is better than doing tough love and CC. i hardly think so)
    Last edited by FloatingFairy; 18-03-2011 at 10:16. Reason: *trying to justify my guilt for being a tough love mummy* :(

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