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  1. #281
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    ((Hugs))

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  3. #282
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    lambjam is offline Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    I've felt so many of those feelings at one time or another, I would guess that most of us have. Try to remember: this is the biggest life change you'll ever make, the biggest learning curve you'll ever be on. Go easy on yourself, give you and your daughter time to learn how to live life together and if you do one thing today let it be that you let yourself lower your expectations.

    You're in a safe place here, please ask for whatever you need

  4. #283
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    This sounds like me at around the same age with DS, I often wondered what I'd done, tbh I think most people think this at some point after their first baby especially. It's a freaking shock to the system motherhood and took me until DS was 1 to accept it. Once I stopped trying to control things they got SOOOOOO much better!

    It gets better!

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  6. #284
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    Being a parent is one of the most frustrating things I have ever experienced. The worst part is the guilt we feel. With DD, I could have written so much of this! Becoming a parent was the most shocking life change I had ever experienced, and I was so unhappy.

    The very fact that you are trying to do whatever it takes to keep your daughter settled and happy indicates to me that you are far from sucking as a mother imo.

    Vent whenever you need to, as pp said, this a safe place, ask questions, pm people if you need.

    I know that for me, it did get better.



    Sent from my GT-N8010 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  8. #285
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambjam View Post
    I've felt so many of those feelings at one time or another, I would guess that most of us have. Try to remember: this is the biggest life change you'll ever make, the biggest learning curve you'll ever be on. Go easy on yourself, give you and your daughter time to learn how to live life together and if you do one thing today let it be that you let yourself lower your expectations.

    You're in a safe place here, please ask for whatever you need
    Thank you. Your post had me in tears ... thank you for such kind words.

  9. #286
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    lambjam is offline Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    Thank you. Your post had me in tears ... thank you for such kind words.
    I tried to PM you but your inbox is full. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat

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  11. #287
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    Quote Originally Posted by lambjam View Post
    I tried to PM you but your inbox is full. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat
    Ill empty it now thank you.

    After all of your lovely words I don't feel so evil ...

  12. #288
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    Quote Originally Posted by London View Post
    So often on this forum there are women writing threads claiming to be the worst mothers in the world. So often there are mothers feeling like they arent measuring up. Feeling lost and alone. Feeling like they're failing at Motherhood.

    Here's the truth:

    Motherhood is TOUGH.

    I though I would start a thread, where people can let out their most shameful secret about a mothering experience. Not to embarrass or shame anybody, but to enlighten and give hope to mothers who think they're the only ones who are struggling or have struggled.


    (I wrote a huge long post about my shameful secret but there has been soo many views on this thread and nobody commenting so i deleted it.)

    (Will copy and paste my original post back in here now)


    I'll get the ball rolling.

    2years ago, my DS 'changed'. Something in him changed and he went, for lack of a better word, emo. Whenever he would do something wrong he would say 'oh whatever, just kill me, Im nothing anyway' Those words coming out of a precious 4yr olds mouth. I dont even know where he got it from. Wasnt in anything he had watched and he spent the majority of his time with me and i sure as heck wasnt saying things like that to him or around him.
    his behaviour was getting so bad, it was pushing me over the edge. I was going through a rough patch anyway and he was just adding fuel to the fire. One day I took him to my best friends house to play with her son, who is the same age. DS got all angry over nothing and came out with more emo lines. "Just kill me, let me die, it doesnt matter, Im nothing".
    I curled up on my friends couch and began rocking back and forth. This was my breakdown. I literally went numb and everything was hazy. I rang DSs dad who was working up north and told him "Come home now, before I hurt our child". He said he couldnt cos of this that and the other. I told him "...seriously.....Im not dealing....come home now before something bad happens". In the end he kept saying he couldnt so I hung up the phone. I rang my mum and my dad and my brother. NOBODY would step in and help. everybody was busy. I was filled with rage. I desperately wanted DS nowhere near me incase I snapped and took my rage out on him. I looked at him and just felt pure anger.
    I drove DS home in a haze. Dont even remember the drive to be honest. We got home and I put him to bed and went and sat in the shower. To me, my DS was a stranger...I was losing my mind and even when I asked for help, nobody was willing to give it to me. By the time i got out the shower (over an hour..sorry Water Corp.) I had decided that this wasnt going to beat me. If nobody was going to help, Id have to do it myself.

    That was my lowest point as a mother. Since then, DS is not 6 and a happy child like he was before this incident. He slowly stopped self-hating and went back to being 'normal'. I still dont know where it came from and Im afraid to ask him now incase it comes back again. When I look at him now, I cant even imagine he could of said those things about himself, and I cant believe I feel so much anger.

    So there is my shameful dark secret. I had a 4yr old emo.

    Who's next?
    I haven't read anyone else's responses but good on you! That would really scare me, coming from the mouth of a 4yo! I'm so sorry your family weren't there to support you but I'm so glad your DS has turned around and is happy again. The strength in your post shone through, you should be proud that you got through a dark time, even if it was on your own!

  13. #289
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    Hugs FTM

    It's a tough gig isn't it.
    I can remember the frustration and powerlessness after my DD was born, she was nearly 15 years after my last baby, I had has 3 previous babies so the last thing I was worried about was coping with a bub.

    Fast forward to DD who never slept, had no routine and just wanted to be awake and held. Life felt like it just came to a screeching stop, most days I was too exhausted to even drive. One memorable evening I served up my sons birthday roast dinner at 11 o'clock at night!

    The best thing I ever did was take a deep breath, a step back and instead of fighting it, accepted it. So if I spent all day holding DD in my pjs, so be it. The relief I felt was immeasurable, it was so much better that worrying about things I couldn't change.

    It gets better OP, it really does, just hang in there.

    Much love xxxx

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  15. #290
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    Quote Originally Posted by FirstTimeMummy2012 View Post
    I must get this out so here goes:

    I am mum to a 9 week old DD. I never wanted to be a mother. I knew deep down I was too selfish for motherhood. I knew I'd be terrible at it. Babies tend to dislike me.

    I met my DH 3 years ago and he told me right away how keen he was for a baby. Approaching 40 I could see why. He never pushed me though. Oh no, I was stupid enough to do that to myself.

    Our TTC journey was tough and long. That should have been a dead give away right there. But nope, I had to stubbornly persist. Because I'm stupid like that.

    Now that our long awaited daughter is here I wish more than anything I could turn back the clock. I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I suck at being a parent and I especially suck at being a mother.

    I try to put her on routines and am constantly changing things on her to make it easier for me. Yes, I'm a horrible selfish human being who doesn't deserve this precious girl laying beside me

    DH isn't much help. He claims to have wanted this more than anything yet I have to prompt him to have one on one time with her. Even then he pulls out his phone to play poker

    I feel like he fooled me. I feel ripped off. It wasn't meant to be like this. I was supposed to have a baby that sleeps all night. I was supposed to have a husband who would share the load with me. I hate this so much ...

    So here I am at rock bottom. I've thrown out all the books that tell me what to do and what routine ti have my girl on. It's about time I stopped being a selfish a$$ and just let her lead. So now I will. I must lean once and for all you can't control a human being ...
    I'm sitting here in tears, FTM. I have had so many of the feelings you're describing. I feel like we are a little similar in some ways, although our stories are very different: I always felt I'd be too selfish to be mother. I found myself sobbing into my pillow last night because I gave my son Panadol after two hours awake in the middle of the night because I was desperate for him to sleep. I never knew how hard it would be, or how much anger you can feel for an innocent little soul that you adore, who only needs your love and protection. I have been completely thrown by my DS's stubbornness and unwillingness to yield into whatever routines and systems I try to throw his way. He sleeps exactly when he wants to sleep - we keep to the same routines and sleep cues but if he ain't sleeping there's nothing I can do. My husband does barely anything. I haven't had a full night's sleep for eight months.

    I'm not trying to be PLOM, just, I guess, you're not alone. And I'm not alone. There are dozens of us struggling to keep our heads above water. But I can tell you this: after 12 weeks it gets easier. It gets more rewarding as your little one will be able to respond to you with smiles and cuddles and kisses and show you just how much she adores you. You are her world. You will find your stride.

    And you are a wonderful mother. I know how much you love your daughter. That's all she needs right now. There's no such thing as a perfect mother. But we are all here beside you in our imperfections too.

    Please seek help from your GP if you are feeling this way often. And tell your husband to pull his finger out. He will never get this time back, and it goes so quickly xx

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