I went thru IVF which didn't work after 4 transfers & I think it's because I had doubts about the pregnancy.
I'm scared an "our" baby will mean we have less time & love for each other. I'm scared our fairly great relationship will turn to s$&t.
I'm scared I'll feel less love & devotion to all of my kids including my SD & my DP will too.
I'm scared I'll be jealous & obsess over everything to do with the baby & that I'll ignore all my other kids as I'll feel the baby is more important.
I haven't told anyone else those things & I am starting therapy next week to sort that crap out!!!
I suffer guilt from my 2 little kids getting hurt within 2 weeks of each other - my work & trying to do so much at once meant that weren't supervised properly & hurt themselves.
Last edited by laurea; 17-01-2013 at 01:11.
Laurea - x 1000.
I am so so sorry, you have been through so much
I had an 'easy' baby. She slept well, walked early, plays independently. But during the day, she needs near constant attention. She's always hungry, always wants you looking at her, always wants cuddles.
But she wouldn't breast feed. I had to give up trying after a week, because I NEEDED to go back on my anxiety/depression meds, or I was going to kill myself. Or her. I felt SO guilty because she was a emergency c-section birth as well, I just felt like I had failed as a mother, I couldn't give birth properly, couldn't feed her...
I still get unreasonably angry with her (18 months), I yell/scream at her, I sometimes hit her out of anger, when she won't nap, I have found myself wanting to throttle her, or smother her... She quite often gets put in her cot for 5-10 minutes while I cry and scream in the other room because I just can't cope, and I'm scared of what I could do to her.
And when I go to get her out, she's usually either fallen asleep, or is sitting there waiting for me, and will give me a cuddle and a kiss when I pick her up. And I feel like such a ***** that I could ever want to hurt or get rid of my sweet girl.
I think I got really lucky with my DH, because if he knows I've had a bad day, he'll take over looking after her when he gets home from work and sends me off for a bath or a rest in bed on my own with a book for an hour or two.
I'm due in 7 weeks with our second, and this time I have NO family or friends around to help (we moved to Sydney and all our family on both sides is in qld), so I'm absolutely terrified that I will hurt either of my children, or myself.
... Now I have to find a tissue and hug my DD.
First off, huge massive hugs to you all
I have worded and reworded what I want to say so it comes out right and I have decided to just go with one line, the less said the better I guess when it comes to me sometimes...
I just wanted to say, the mothers that feel out of control sometimes, the ones that do things to their children and then feel guilt, you do not have to go through this alone, there are places of support and people who can help you out there, all you have to do is pick up the phone.
I'm so sorry you're having those feelings. You can and will get through it though. I know it doesn't feel like it when you're in the thick of it but you will get through it.
When you feel yourself tensing have you tried just putting your little one in her cot/playpen and making yourself a cup of tea and just taking a moment?
I am like a lot of mums we put such incredible pressure on ourselves to be perfect. I think half the frustration in parenting stems from trying but not being able to do it all you know? Give yourself a break we are all just human beings and being a mum is hard work.
Oh I'm so sorry to read your story Laurea That must have been so heartbreaking. I have no helpful words but just wanted to give you these
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