Im bumping this because Ive noticed a few threads recently that might relate.
Im bumping this because Ive noticed a few threads recently that might relate.
Good idea. I might go re-read a few key posts. Thanks London.
*Sorry, I'm iPhone-lexic*
Thank-you Nomsie - your story is me exactly! My twins are 8 months and one is a dream the other is a challenge and I also find myself yelling at him sometimes which pains me so much afterwards because he is only a baby! He cries when I scream and I feel terrible.
I have told my partner "I am going to kill him" which of course I never could but I guess I am trying to convey how frustrated and in pain I am in.
The worse part is nothing has helped me and I still do this on occasion to this day. I have been to see many health professions in relation to both myself and my child and nothing changes.
I wanted to be the perfect mother but I also thought I would have the perfect child. I am at the point of not just having a shameful secret of sometimes hating my child but still living through it on a daily basis and not knowing what to do next. Don't get me wrong, I do love him but I just get so fed up sometimes I lose it and hate what he is doing in that moment.
The biggest misconception I think about being a parent is that "babies want to sleep and they want to eat" if only that was true for my little one.
Does anyone feel as sick as me even writing things like this? I am so ashamed and so frightened of people judging me it's making me cry
Hey TBM, you're not alone! When this thread was first started I read all the posts and it brought back so many memories of how inadequet, guilty, frustrated and fed up I used to feel when DD was younger, and I ended up crying for half an hour and ended up not being able to post anything because I was so ashamed.
I remember screaming at DD when she was was a baby because she had reflux and was really hard to feed. There were mornings when she'd wake up, and I'd hear her playing in her cot, but instead of getting up to her I'd just lie in bed and cry until she started screaming for me...and even then, it'd take me while to go to her, because I just felt like I couldn't face another day of it.
When she was 15months old I had a mental breakdown and was diagnosed with PND. At that time I had her in Daycare four days a week because I was meant to be going to uni, but I ended up taking her in as early as possible in the morning each morning, skipping uni, and lying on the couch all day staring at the ceiling.
When I got help I was able to cope alot more and be a better mum...but those early days with her were some of the worst of my life, and it makes me feels guilty because I love her so much and I feel like they should have been the happiest.
I have many shameful moments. The one I'm most ashamed of is that I had drinks, and had too many, had a huge fight with DH, told himt hat I hated him and even hit him. I can't believe that I put my DD1 through that. I remember what it was like having a mum that couldn't handle her alcohol and just fought and was down right ridiculous. When it was happening to me I felt like somehow maybe it was my fault she was upset. I know now that it wasn't. It's just soo much builds up and it doesn't seem like theres enough space to hold it all in.
Another is that when we have Baby no2, DD1 will be treated differently, or I won't have time for her. I'm so scared for that.
My son is getting the better of me again. After breaking a plate at dinner time tonight, he's really pushed me to the edge. At the moment, Im not the happiest to say Im his mum
regarding this thread -
I didn't connect with my babies for quite a while after they were born .. yes .. I thought they were beautiful - but I remember Jack crying, and I thought "geeez I wish someone would respond to that baby " .. then I remembered that I HAD a child .. and realised it was mine that was screaming ... sigh ..
For the first few months of Jack's life - I would forget I had him ... (it surprises me how many previous posters have written similar stuff??!) I would actually feel surprised "oh yeah .. thats right .. I have a baby now" .. I was lucky enough that I never left him anywhere .. but I would quite often disconnect from the fact that I had him??
I remember crawling out of bed at some stupid hour of the night to feed Jack - and saying to my husband, yes - I will feed him, but I hate him right now. I resented my lack of sleep, I resented getting up to his crying - I met his needs, I fed him, comforted him - but I clearly remember a phase where I hated him for his dependency on me, which is something I never EVER expected to feel as a mum.
I've had moments where I have seriously considered pulling over the car on the side of the highway .. getting out of the car . .and just walking off ... (both my children get motion sick .. as do I .. so travelling any distance can be a horrendous experience - all of us HATE the car) ... I would never do it - but GOSH I've dreamt it in my head ..
I remember a few weeks after Jack was born - I ended up sitting in the doorway of the nursery listening to him scream .. I was sobbing because I was SOOO sick of holding him .. rocking him .. trying desperately to GET HIM TO SLEEP .. but if I wasn't touching him, bouncing him .. rocking him .. he would scream ... it did get better .. but I clearly remembering that it shouldn't BE this hard!!!
When Alex was born - I remember waking my DH at about 3am .. saying - if you dont take this child .. I will hurt him ... I had spent the whole night BEGGING this newborn baby to SLEEEP ... PLEASE SLEEEEP. I was aware enough of my own behaviour to know that I was starting to be rough (definitely not shaking/ throwing him .. but I wasn't gentle putting him on the bed etc) ... alarm bells went in my head and I immediately got DH up - I was an emotional wreck ... totally not coping.. sleep deprivation is HORRENDOUS ..
Parenting does NOT get easier the second time (which surprised me tbh .. ) different babies have different 'rules'. Alex was a far worse sleeper than Jack ever was .. and it completely threw me .. he fed differently, he didn't like dummies, he is just a totally different child - it was like learning everything all over again ..
I can relate to many of these posts but the biggest shameful secret for me ...... When DD was born by emergency c section I had pain a heamorage and pain issues so I didn't get to hold her before her and DH has to leave the theatre. I was in recovery for nearly 4 hours . During this time my MIL , FIL and SIL has all had cuddles and photos with DD and watched her being weigh etc . Once I had seen the photos a few days later of them all with my DD I felt angry and upset that I had carried her for 9 months and gone through the pain of labour and an emergency c section with complications for her to just be handed over to others. It took about a week before that anger turned to something else . I just didn't want DD anymore. I thought I loved her but I didn't get to have her first , I was the 5th family member to hold her and I missed out on those first hours. I didn't want her. I wanted a new baby that I could hold first. I was diagnosed with Pnd but I still feel guilty that I thought that way about the little person that is the light of my life and could not live without. Even writing this has brought back so many emotions and so much heartache from that time. She was a new born for such a short time and I wasted most of it not wanting her. I often think that's why I haven't been able to conceive another child ( been ttc for 15 months) because I thought such horrible things about my baby.
i felt absolutely nothing for my first baby when he was born. i did all the things you are supposed to do but felt i was baby sitting for someone else. i "managed" his care like i would manage a project at work. i think the worst bit is at the time i didnt even realise how un-motherly i was. he was a perfect baby luckily but it wasnt really until my second one was born that i realised how much i had struggled to bond. with my second i bonded from the first time i held him. Now i feel bad about all the time i missed with number one even though we now have a very loving and close relationship (he is 3). i worry that it may have affected him some way. all i can do is love him as much as i can now.
What a fantastic thread. I have been working my way through it, and thank you to all the PP posters for your honesty, it has been helping to consolidate a lot of the fears I have about DD2 arrival.
With DD1, I was shocked to discover that bonding and falling in love with your baby didn't happen instantly. I also would "forget" I had a baby. In fact, I packed up my things to move from the labour ward to the maternity ward 3 hours after having her, and the midwife had to remind me to go back and get my baby!
It took 5 months till I fell in love with DD1. All of a sudden I got it. I understood what the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding pain, this killer protective instinct was all about. I remember the moment I looked in her cot and realised I loved her, and would do anything for her.
Before than I had tried my best to be a good mum, but more for my own sake and to prove to others that I could do this on my own. And there were times laying awake at night trying to get her to feed or sleep, listening to the screaming, where I would look at DD1 and look at my pillow, and understand how desperate women can smother their babies. I just had to hope that I would be brave enough to ask for help before the urge ever got that overwhelming. I never did hurt DD1, but I am still utterly shocked that I even thought of it.
Maybe this time round it will be a bit easier, I'm not doing on my own, and I feel a little wiser (a lot of that wisdom has come from bub hub) and better prepared .
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