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  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by Emsmum85 View Post
    This the the worst thing I have ever done and I need to admit it to someone knowing I will not be judged.

    I bit my 3 month old on the leg To this day I don't know if it was an accident or if I did it on purpose. It was 2am, I was at the end of my tether, I'd been trying to get her to sleep for hours, I wanted to scream and I grabbed something and just bit really hard, in my mind I thought it was the blanket, it was my baby girls leg in a cotton coverall. I have never been more ashamed of myself as a mother. She started screaming and she had a mouth shaped bruise for over a week. It snapped me right out of it and I just held her crying for the rest of the night. I couldn't believe I failed so much that I bit a baby.

    Sleep deprivation is an awful horrid thing. It makes us think, say and do things we wouldn't normally do

  2. #152
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    Quote Originally Posted by sloppykissesmonsterhugs View Post
    Thank you for starting this thread.

    I read it in its entirety, cried, hesitated to post, logged out, thought about the one thing I am so deeply ashamed of and logged back on.

    It's nothing different to what has been shared.

    The first 6 - 8 months of ds's life were very dark. He woke a lot. He had two surgeries during the first few months. The breastfeeding journey was painful and incredibly difficult. I struggled to cope. On bad nights I would yell, handle him roughly, and smack him over his nappy. I would imagine horrible things. I've had a few of those nights since that period. I am so deeply ashamed of myself that I feel physically ill. I shall never ever ever forgive myself for reaching this point nor do I believe I deserve to be forgiven. There is a part of me that remains changed forever because of these episodes.

    I have never hurt my son but there were times where I wanted to. In my sleep deprived and untreated pnd days, I was somebody I neither knew or liked at all. I kept it all so well hidden that even my husband is oblivious. I still cry in the shower over the memories of these nights and blame the soap or current pregnancy hormones.

    I often feel like I don't deserve my son nor the child that I carry now.
    it's time to forgive yourself. Please. You are so far from being alone in this.
    I hope you dont feel this way anymore.

  3. #153
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    I really am so glad people have been so honest and that this thread has helped people. That was why I started it. Truly happy it has been all support and no mean comments.

  4. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to London For This Useful Post:

    BluePixie  (16-04-2012),emzluvbub  (26-04-2011),Happy2be3  (22-04-2011),MamaC  (23-04-2011),White Mage  (18-04-2011)

  5. #154
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    wish i could give you all real hugs.
    thank you for being brave and sharing your stories.
    i thought that reading this would make me MORE scared about becoming a mum- but it has made me realize that i will not be alone in my mommy struggles.
    thanks again. and know that you have helped me.

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to simitude For This Useful Post:

    White Mage  (18-04-2011)

  7. #155
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    Hi London

    Thankyou for posting this thread. I know I am a late comer to it but I needed to post. I cried reading some of these posts as I know all too well of the pain and anguish of being a mum.

    I am a first time mum 32 years of age to a 5 month old.
    The day after coming home from the hospital I had a panic attack. Never experienced that before. I was diagnosed with severe PND a few weeks after. Could not function at all. I wanted my baby gone. I wanted to give her back. I wanted to hurt myself to take away the pain. She was very much wanted but I didn't anticipate the terrible morning sickness throughout the whole 9 months or the 24 hr traumatic labour or PND. They talked about it in the antenatal class but I never thought it would happen ti me and wondered why a woman would be depressed after having a gorgeous little baby. How wrong was I. The sleep deprivation and anxiety neRly killed me. Thankfully I got help very quickly and fad wonderful support. I am very open about it with everyone close to me. It's not something I would hide as I now know it is not shameful but very common.

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    Happy2be3  (22-04-2011)

  9. #156
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    Mumof3furbabies - many hugs to you hon. I am happy to hear that you were able to get help. May I ask now how you are with your DD?

  10. #157
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    Thanks BroodMare. It was either get help or go insane and sorry to say end my life
    I am still on medication which has been such a big help to me. Without it I would be in a very bad place. Things are so different now only 5.5 months down the track. I am in love with my daughter now. I still have sleep anxiety and a long way to go jb some respects but in a much better place overall. It helps that she is such an easy going baby and sleeps well.

  11. #158
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    I haven't read the whole thread (I will come back and do so) but I am so grateful to know that I'm not the only one who feels like I have failed/failing.

    I have a 5 month old DS, who is great. He sleeps through the night, he's happy, all around awesome baby! The start was awful. I switched to expressing and mixing with formula at about 5/6 days as everytime I would try to BF, he would scream and scream and would not latch. He lost weight and I felt like the worst mother in the world. I would dread him waking up for a feed because it would start the cycle again. He cried, I cried, it was awful. When a midwife told me it was ok to use formula, I have never felt so relieved.

    When a friend had her baby 2 weeks later and had a smooth breastfeeding experience, I was so jealous (and still am). I felt like a massive failure. It had been suggested I see a LC but I just couldn't face the failure again. I still feel the guilt but I have to tell myself I did it for my own sake. I'm scared he will be sickly and everyone will point their finger at me and say it's all my fault (particularly DH, who was very hard on me giving up BF and then expressing after 4 weeks). I'm scared of what is going to happen with my next baby. I almost don't want to even try, in case I fail again.

    At the moment, Cooper is a catnapper. As a self confessed "perfectionist and control freak", I am finding this incredibly frustrating. I keep getting told he needs 2 x 2 hour sleeps per day but how am I supposed to force it? I find myself feeling angry with him. When he wakes up after 30 minutes, I want to scream. I am trying so hard to control this anger but it so hard.

    to everyone on this thread. We are all doing the best we can. Thank you, OP.

  12. #159
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    Another late comer. Well my pregnancy, birth and the first 1+yr with DS we're great, except one time I got ****ty at DP and threw a handful of 5 cent pieces at him, unaware he was holding DS, thankfully none hit DS. Now my almost 3yo (does not talk, in progress of speech therapy), screaming, whinging, tantrum chucking monster does my bloody head in. Whenever he wants something he does a noise a guinea pig makes, but its loud, and gets louder and louder and louder til he gets what he wants. He does understand most commands(its like living with a dog). He does not take NO for an answer, it always ends in a hysterically screaming/head banging tantrum. Time outs don't work, smacks don't work and yelling makes it worse, which unfortunately seems to be the only thing me and DP do cause his so frustrating. And unfortunately smacking has become a primary form of discipline, altho we vowed never to do this. It makes me feel so awful. Sometimes I just get so frustrated at him cause he can't speak, which isn't hi fault, and his behavioral problems only make things worse.

    Now DD....well she is not the nice calm, self entertaining, perfect sleeper like DS was at this age (5 months). She is the gasiest baby ever, does poo's like once a week, always has to be held. I can not leave a room without her crying hysterically which drives me nuts. I cannot even put her down in a bouncer/bumbo half the time cause she only wants me. And I've gotten frustrated and yelled at her many times cause she does not shut up, wont go to sleep til 1-2am. DP has tried light tapping on the back of her head which just makes her worse. She is sooo damn emotional. Now I know why I was hoping for another boy. I was actually disappointed to find out I was having a girl, even now there are still times where I just wish she was a boy and not so emotional. And yes the rare occasion where i regret having another baby, but I do love her. Its all so very frustrating but I'm sure in the next year things will be better and I will have 2 chatty, happy, fun kids :P

  13. #160
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    Bump.

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