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  1. #121
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    Can I just say this forum chat is what BH should be about, supporting other mums and helping them, not judging them. We all suffer guilt and no on is perfect, we all have our moments of attention lapse and just simply losing it.

    For me at the moment, we have 4.5 year old and doing IVF and ttc for over 2.5 years and a lot of time away from DS (this includes working to afford IVF) and effort is put into this. With all meds I am on and frustration of doing another ICSI cycle, I can be short with DS and lose my temper. Then I get upset as here we are trying for number 2 and im yelling at the only child we actually have then I think its gods way of paying me back for being a bad mum.
    Last edited by second baby not so easy; 21-03-2011 at 13:39.

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  3. #122
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    I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all the women who have posted on here. Whilst it breaks my heart to read what everyone has been through, it also makes me so amazed to see how strong we women can be.


    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.
    But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing.

     
    Quote Originally Posted by MyFourCubs View Post
    I recall more than a few times where I "dumped" him in his cot. No, not threw or shook or anything like that but it certainly wasn't gentle. There were certainly times that I yelled at him.
    There were multiple times that I would be patting him in my arms and the screaming would still escalate and that pat would become more like a ..... smack. He always was wrapped and it was always through his nappy so I wouldn't have hurt him but it was the lack of control on my part, the anger, the desperation that scared me. I had many seriously awful thoughts of throwing him across the room. (I never did, just to be clear,) but again, it scared the crap out of me.
    I HATED myself at that time, I hated who I was becoming. It is a horrible, shameful time in my life that brings tears to my eyes reliving it but as I said in my previous post, sometimes your babies and children are really, really hard to love. A baby who screams at you for hours, who deprievs you of sleep, who proceeds to take all your enjoyement out of life, is almost the equivalent of repeat punches to the face. You only take so much before you snap.


    THANK YOU ladies, for being so honest. This was me. I hated myself, hated the monster I percieved that I had become, hated the fact that I wasn't the mother I thought I would be. I look back now and realise that it wasn't 'me', and that I was unwell, but at the time I just wanted out.
    I had a friend who called me when her daughter was 7 months old and said 'oh my god I am the worst mother in the world, I just yelled at my daughter for not going to sleep'. I sat there and thought 'It has taken you 7 months to get to that point?? Oh my god, I'm a monster'.
     
    Quote Originally Posted by MyFourCubs View Post
    My Ds1 however... it took months to love him.
    I hate myself for feeling the way I did about Alex but it was just so bloody hard.
    Love does not always come naturally and I loathe the expectation that it does. In some instances bonding is more difficult than others and it doesn't mean there is something "wrong " with us or that we are bad parents. (It took me a loooong time to understand and accept that, I too thought I was the worst mother in the world.)


    MyFourCubs - I have tears in my eyes. I think this is the first time that I have heard of someone else taking as long as I did to bond. I have spoken to other people and admitted that it took me nearly 4 months, and they either don't believe me, or look horrified. I had SO much going on at the time (external to having a newborn), and when I added a non-sleeper/screamer into the mix, I just fell apart. It really does give me hope that you bonded faster with your other kids - the thought of having another child scares me so much, because I'm terrified of feeling the same way with my next baby. It's one thing to have a difficult baby that you love - but when you feel nothing for them, there's no reward, no light at the end of the tunnel.

    I too tend to react in anger to my son - he is so headstrong, and can be so whingy when I'm not paying him 100% of my attention. For anyone who is interested, I've read a really great book for this sort of thing, PM me if you are interested.

    Big hugs to everyone - you are all amazing

  4. #123
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    Sometimes I feel like I have "unbonded" with DS1... he is so difficult, and he is actually really nasty a lot of the time I have often thought if SuperNanny came to my house she would be at a loss as to how to handle him.

    I love him, he is my son, but I shamefully admit that he gets to me so much that I don't like him much at all :'(

    I also find that after my kids come back from time with their father (my ex husband) that their behaviour is shocking, they answer back, they roll their eyes at everything I (and my DH) say, they are often downright rude, DS1 and DS2 bully DD, DD throws terrible tantrums... Gah! They just get back to their normal selves and they go back to their father's (grrr).

    Except for DS1 who has decided he is going to live with his father all the time (because his father lets him have his way all the time and believes every little thing DS1 says, especially lies about me).

    Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and not have DS1... Sometimes I wish I could go back and never get together with their father, knowing full well that that would mean I wouldn't have any of my kids at all. When I say wish, this is a totally deep longing... it depresses me that I feel like this...

    Everyone who has posted here is so brave, I feel less alone in my feelings. It doesn't take the shame away, but I'm glad it is kind of normal to have these feelings.

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  5. #124
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    This thread has been fantastic to read. All I've ever wanted to be was a mother and I think that I have some very unrealistic expectations of what it will be like. I think this thread should be sticky so it will always be there so people can see that they're not alone and the feelings they have are normal.

    I will admit that I have judged in the past. When my nephew was a baby my SIL screamed at him once that if he didn't stop crying she would throw him at the wall. I was there, I didn't say anything and I didn't dare offer help. When she drove off in the car (she came back an hour or so later after cooling down), I cuddled my nephew and told him I would never let anyone hurt him. I'm ashamed to say that in that moment, having never been a mother myself, I believed he would be better off if she didn't come back and swore I would never treat my future children like that. Five years on, she is a fantastic mother and I can see now that the way she felt in that moment was normal.

    Thank you to everyone who has posted in this thread for being so brave and opening my eyes to the feelings that I will likely have at some point when I'm a mother. It's nice to know in advance that it's normal. to everyone.

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  7. #125
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    I didn't bond with my 2nd baby after having a emergency cs. I felt as if I didn't have a baby I was given one. She screamed for 14 weeks, I looked after her bf her and did everything I could for her. (While counting down the time to stop bf her I was making myself feed her until she was 12 weeks. ) but she didn't feel like mine!
    I was crying every day and I was lucky to have a great husband who did everything he could to look after me and support me and help me bond with her. Eventually when I started getting more sleep and her crying stopped I started bonding with her (4 months old) but felt so guilty and bad for her. When she was 3 her liver failed and she neally died and I thought it was my punishment for not loving her when she was new born. Lucky she fully recovered and is the most beautiful 10 year old girl and over time I have started to heal and feel better about myself but it is still hard thinking about it and writing it down

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  9. #126
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    I can relate to so many things in this thread. I have all sorts of similar stories. The one that stands out the most is the first night at home with DD, at about midnight, she would have been all of 36 hours old. She was screaming and I knew she wanted to breastfeed but I just couldn't take any more pain. There was nothing coming out of my breasts (no colostrum, nothing) and so all she did was suck and suck and suck all day and it was pointless and the most excruciating agony I had ever experienced (after labour). After 27 hours of excruciating pain in labour, the pain that came after it from tearing etc, no sleep for 3-4 days (literally NONE), I just didn't care about her any more. I just wanted the agony to stop. I remember DD's dad in tears begging me to put her to the breast but I wouldn't. I can't remember what happened after that, it's all just a blur. Suffice to say DD did get fed eventually (she is a happy healthy 4 year old now) but I will always remember that feeling of being the worst mother ever because I would rather my child scream from hunger than go through any more pain myself .

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  11. #127
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    You are all such brave women. I'll be brave and tell my story.

    Just to be clear, I was in a very dark place. I never really bonded with my daughter who is now a lovely 8 year old.(most days) Didn't get to hold her for the first few days cos she had jaundice. Only breast fed for a few months cos i was finding it dificult. I had the quality but not the quantity. So that was getting me upset. Had a partner who is now my ex who didn't help me with our baby. He was always outside making stupid stuff and wasting our money. When she was 2 and i had my son. Things didn't change the ex was still away doing he's own things and wasting our money. The kids would cry and scream for there daddy. I would cry and scream for them to shut up .Ex didn't care. We had huge fights. Was voilent and looking back now i think i was depressed from the start. Things got bad between my daughter and me. I hurt her a few times. shoved her on the couch ect. Yelled at her all the time. Child safety got involved and I was seperated from them for about a month. I went to stay with my parents while there dad had them. but he would make his parents look after them all the time. I'm getting help now and i think it comes from me being jealous of my daughter. Still working that out with my councellor. But I love both my kids very much and they have a new step daddy.

  12. #128
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    London is offline “I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves" - Betty White
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    I just wanted to bump this thread again. Have seen a couple of other threads where I think the OPs could have a read through this one and know they arent alone

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  14. #129
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    TimTamsandTea is offline ...if only all relationships were so perfectly sweet!
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    Quote Originally Posted by London View Post
    I just wanted to bump this thread again. Have seen a couple of other threads where I think the OPs could have a read through this one and know they arent alone

    I'm glad you did. I've returned to this thread a few times since you started it. This thread is honestly one of the best things I have read since becoming a parent.

  15. #130
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    I was having a shocking day last week and I sat down when the girls were in bed and re-read the whole thread.

    Thank you again London for being brave starting a thread like this.

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