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  1. #111
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    What a good thread.
    Motherhood is so very hard in so many ways and it doesn't end. Mine are 5,4 and 2 and there are some days when I feel as though I am completly loosing it. Dd is so contrary I hve no idea how her mood will be day to day getting her to school is a challenge in itself. Ds1 is the bain of my existance, I would like to say I love him but I don't think I do and that is a major guilt for me. He is such hard work that I think life would be a hell of a lot eassier without either him or me as he is much more painful whe I am around. There have been many times when I have thought life or lack of it would be much easier if we all went to sleep in the car, especailly after a hard day with ds1. Ds2 is in major distructa mode and is continually tipping out contents of my pantry, but at least he doesn't hurt people like ds1.
    Being a mother and being acountable for other people is darn hard. People become parents with rose coloured glasses (I know I did) without being aware just what life has in stall for them \. I t's also extra hard when there is a personality clash like I have with ds1

  2. #112
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    Fantastic thread


    Sent from my iPhone using Bub Hub

  3. #113
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    Thank you everyone for your stories, I can relate to so many peoples and I'm glad everybody has come out the other side safely. I have a saying "you know when your a good mum when your guilty about some part of your parenting". It's the hardest job.

  4. #114
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    I had a cs and dd wasn't breathing when she was born and needed resuscitation and was rushed to scn. I didn't see her until 2 hours after she was born. When I looked at her for the first time. I didn't think she was cute or beautiful. I was disappointed she looked so much like my mil. I felt I didn't love her yet. I didn't care. I was glad she spent that first night away in scn. I felt very guilty that I had no emotion to her. it wasn't until 24 hours after her birth I felt any emotion toward her. I've never told anyone that

  5. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nomsie View Post
    I'm not ashamed to share my horrible parenting stories (and I have lots of them!) if it helps someone else.

    I guess my issues started when I found out I was having twins.. I have many threads here on BH from back at that time discussing how upset I was at this news... I mourned the fact I wouldn't have one single baby to love.. I wouldn't have a close bond with my first child, I would have to spread myself between two. I cried for months on end and I suddenly hated the idea of being pregnant. Of course I didn't dream of aborting... but it wasn't the textbook "I love my baby so much" thoughts that most mothers talk about during their pregnancy. (And it's only now, 2.5 years later that I have VERY strong feelings towards my sons of the "I WOULD DIE FOR YOU" variety. And that itself is just so shameful to me)

    And then of course once they came I was a mess. I am so thankful my Mum put her life on hold for 6 months to exclusively help me. MY DP was hopeless and hardly ever home.. and I just didn't know what to do with two very active children who hardly ever slept, and both wanted to be cuddled all day. I just didn't have laid back children like some lucky mothers do.. and add that to the fact I was already frazzled just because there were two of them and it was a dynamic mix in all the wrong ways.

    I would break into hysteria because I didn't know what to dress them in for the night. I wasn't sleeping, and hardly eating or drinking enough (or of the right stuff) to be giving them proper breastmilk in the early days.

    On a few occasions when they were awake for hours on end during the night I would lose the plot. Seriously lose the plot. I would scream at them and yes- I will admit it- I was a little bit rough with them. Never anything that would harm them- let me be clear. But actions that weren't stemmed from love, that's for sure. Dumping them in their cots, or changing positions with them in my arms that wasn't exactly loving.

    I remember on a few occasions in the middle of the night I went into DP and told him if he didn't do anything I would hurt them. (Um.. it wasn't a threat, btw.. it was a warning.. it was a 'please help me- I am so worried I am going to hurt them"..) and I would sit for 5 minutes or so with them both screaming and then go back in calm and try again.

    But when I say I yelled at them.. I would scream at them (little babies, mind you) slam the door and collapse on the floor in the feotal position sobbing. As I say, I really wasn't in a good way.

    Even now, that I KNOW I love them so much and I really WOULD do anything for them I still make mistakes. Sometimes I don't feel as much love for B as I do for L, as B is slightly more challenging. A completley different character.. L has a heart of gold, whereas B is out for himself. I don't begrudge him this, but here I find myself admitting I have to work a lot harder at loving him every day.

    And really, that's just the tip of the iceberg. So if it helps anyone realise that mistakes in parenting aren't just of the acciden variety, then I'm glad that shaming myself so publicy has served its purpose.

    I can relate to this soooo much..all of it...going and telling dh to get out here NOW before I hurt them..being rough with my twins, yelling/screaming at my babies

    I had bonding issues with my dd..it took well over 12 months, probably closer to 2yrs of age for me to finally really start to get over not liking her and feeling like she wasnt mind I love her to bits now but still find I have a bit more of a soft spot for DS even though he is alot more work than she is...I feel soooo guilty about this, all of it.

    I can't change the past, I can only work on the future and becoming the mum I "thought" I would be.

  6. #116
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    Quote Originally Posted by MyFourCubs View Post
    Alex obviously more so than the others- I recall more than a few times where I "dumped" him in his cot. No, not threw or shook or anything like that but it certainly wasn't gentle. There were certainly times that I yelled at him.
    I did this too and I can't blame it on not getting enough sleep as K always slept 12 hours a night from 3 weeks old and napped during the day too..

    Looking back now I was a terrible mum to her and I cry about it a lot, I fed her and bathed her, I took her to the park and did all those things, but I was awful, I would yell, scream, throw things (not at her) I would kick the lounge and I did throw her on her bed.. She spent a long time in bed because I couldn't handle her so putting her in her room was keeping her safe...

    Now that I have my son I have discovered that my family knew what was going on and instead of coming to see me or offering help, they just all b!tched about how bad of a mother I was.. I was 19 all on my own, I needed help, they saw it and instead of helping they just all got together and bi!tched about how slack I was, how much of a b!tch I was.. It really is depressing,

    I am pretty sure I had PND, I have always suffered depression so I think it hit hard when I was handed this baby at 19 and I was on my own.

    Once we started dealing with the special needs of Keiara I hit another all time low. I was going from doctor to doctor trying to get answers as to why my 2 year old still was not talking, why I could not cuddle her, why she did the things she did and they all looked and spoke to me like I was just a young Mum who couldn't handle a tantrum.. I remember at one appointment I begged the pead to send me to a place where i could be shown how to look after Keiara, I needed to know what I was doing wrong because it just was not working at home, he looked at me said 'shes to old, theres noting we can dot for that' and I just broke down, we had been seeing him for years, why couldnt he had told me about this place when she was young enough... On the way home I though about driving into a tree or off a cliff or something because I did didn't want to be a Mum anymore.. The only reason I never did anything like that was because I was worried it wouldn't kill us both, that one of us would survive and be really hurt, or Keiara would get placed in foster care because I had died (I knew my family would not raise her)

    Quote Originally Posted by RunningWithScissors View Post

    First one was breastfeeding. He was about 6-7 months old and started fussing at the breast. He was angry, frustrated and seemed like he was hungry. He started loosing weight and I freaked. I spoke to the Dr, the MCHN and eventually the ABA who all told me he was fine, he was just going through a growth spurt, or just being fussy. I had plenty of milk, my body knew what to do etc.
    Against my own better judgement and gut feeling, I trusted the people who were supposed to know.
    This happened to me too just not as long.. I Bf for 3 weeks and I had taken K to emergency twice already as I just had the feeling something wasn't right. They all said she was fine because she latched on and stayed there for a hour, but she would feed for a hour, then 30mins later be screaming for more, so we would feed for another hour and again she would scream for more.. I went to see my Aunty at 3 weeks old and she watched me feed Keiara and she started asking me questions, my replies weren't what she thought was noramal so we called the ABA who asked me more questions and told me that it sounded like mt daughter was dehydrated (no wet nappies, not hearing her swallow, not seeing the milk in the corner of her mouth) and I needed to take her to hospital right away. So I did again and again I was told she was fine because she sucked for a hour, a few weeks later I was staying with my grandma and we were still screaming all the time and she came into my room at 4am told me she was buying me formula in the morning and what brand did I want... Ever since that first feed, my daughter stopped crying, started sleeping and life was so much better... until she got a little older

    I never had that bond wit my daughter, I know I love her, I do everything for her, but we never had that bond. We started getting it while I was pregnant, but since having my son it has gone again, I feel really mean for saying that but i don't know how to fix it, I am pretty sure I am depressed again and with all the stress of Keiaras special needs I can help but think that has something to do with it, and I know its not her fault, I just don't know how to change it. I guess I need to sort out my depression.

    I haven't told anyone this before and I always though that it was just me, but reading this has made me feel better.

  7. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to ~BEXTER~ For This Useful Post:

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  8. #117
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    I spent most of yesterday hugging my baby crying on her shoulder after I found out some horrible information

  9. #118
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    RoarsomeMum is offline Right to speak, responsibility to listen..
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    I learned today (though I was starting to suspect it already) that this will NEVER END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got through the sleep deprivation and the feeding issues and the crying and the uncontrollable tantrums and the fear she would be dead before she turned 1.
    Then she did! and I got past the physical mobility ='s horror! and got past the separation anxiety and got past the "will I go back to work or not" guilt and got past the Is she developing on squedule stuff.. and then she turned 2.
    I got past the "why is she not in child care yet, why can't I have her overnight, why is she not toilet trained? and all the rest"

    and I stand here today, the mother of a 3 year old who I love more than life itself but still want to throttle some days.. STILL want to "throw her into her cot and walk away" STILL want to pretend I am not a mum today.. STILL feel guilty for all of my feelings..

    It never ended for me.. I got a good kid and she is no longer a "baby" and yet I STILL suck at this whole parental gig.. That's my current shame.

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  11. #119
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    I don't remember much of DD's time as a baby. I was so sleep deprived as he never slept, day or night, she would just scream. DH never helped me. He went back to work when DD was 10 days old. I never asked for help because I felt like I was just expected to know it all and cope.
    I do remember when she was 6 weeks old I wanted to smother her with a pillow. That was the PND rearing it's ugly head.
    Many times I remember just screaming at her, and not gently putting her back in her cot, even as an older baby.
    In more recent times, when she's being a little sh*t and I'm exhausted, I've wanted to just belt her, and once or twice I have hit her harder than I should. I get made to feel guilty for wanting time away from her, 'but she's only two years old' I'm only just functioning with all my health problems and raising DD on my own.

  12. #120
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    My shameful secret? I can't do everything. I did not cope with being a full time employee, full time mother, full time DP, full time housekeeper and part time uni student. I gave up and am now in the process of trying to accept this. I am not extraordinary! I am not Super Women. I can not do it just because some other Mother does! I can not do it because some Women has this awe-inspiring story of how she struggled and worked 20 hours out of the day and is now a big high fly coporate diva! I'm not like them. I'm not as strong as they are, and it's about time I accept it and work around it.

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