So often on this forum there are women writing threads claiming to be the worst mothers in the world. So often there are mothers feeling like they arent measuring up. Feeling lost and alone. Feeling like they're failing at Motherhood.
Here's the truth:
Motherhood is TOUGH.
I though I would start a thread, where people can let out their most shameful secret about a mothering experience. Not to embarrass or shame anybody, but to enlighten and give hope to mothers who think they're the only ones who are struggling or have struggled.
(I wrote a huge long post about my shameful secret but there has been soo many views on this thread and nobody commenting so i deleted it.)
(Will copy and paste my original post back in here now)
I'll get the ball rolling.
2years ago, my DS 'changed'. Something in him changed and he went, for lack of a better word, emo. Whenever he would do something wrong he would say 'oh whatever, just kill me, Im nothing anyway' Those words coming out of a precious 4yr olds mouth. I dont even know where he got it from. Wasnt in anything he had watched and he spent the majority of his time with me and i sure as heck wasnt saying things like that to him or around him.
his behaviour was getting so bad, it was pushing me over the edge. I was going through a rough patch anyway and he was just adding fuel to the fire. One day I took him to my best friends house to play with her son, who is the same age. DS got all angry over nothing and came out with more emo lines. "Just kill me, let me die, it doesnt matter, Im nothing".
I curled up on my friends couch and began rocking back and forth. This was my breakdown. I literally went numb and everything was hazy. I rang DSs dad who was working up north and told him "Come home now, before I hurt our child". He said he couldnt cos of this that and the other. I told him "...seriously.....Im not dealing....come home now before something bad happens". In the end he kept saying he couldnt so I hung up the phone. I rang my mum and my dad and my brother. NOBODY would step in and help. everybody was busy. I was filled with rage. I desperately wanted DS nowhere near me incase I snapped and took my rage out on him. I looked at him and just felt pure anger.
I drove DS home in a haze. Dont even remember the drive to be honest. We got home and I put him to bed and went and sat in the shower. To me, my DS was a stranger...I was losing my mind and even when I asked for help, nobody was willing to give it to me. By the time i got out the shower (over an hour..sorry Water Corp.) I had decided that this wasnt going to beat me. If nobody was going to help, Id have to do it myself.
That was my lowest point as a mother. Since then, DS is not 6 and a happy child like he was before this incident. He slowly stopped self-hating and went back to being 'normal'. I still dont know where it came from and Im afraid to ask him now incase it comes back again. When I look at him now, I cant even imagine he could of said those things about himself, and I cant believe I feel so much anger.
So there is my shameful dark secret. I had a 4yr old emo.