Consequences of your approach to parenting

[Me&MrMagoo]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

Ditto ...

[kar]

Fearless, I agree to a large extent. Obviously we shape and guide our children but so much, IMO, is just who they are.
I often get "oh, F is a credit to you". My stock response is "he's a credit to himself".
Because if he turns into a feral tomorrow it wong be because we are doing anything different!

[loveshack]

I've read the book 'Brain Rules for Baby' which is based on actual research done on the human brain,and it explains a lot of things with regards to growing a smart,happy and moral baby.In regards to setting rules,it says that we need to tell children why they are being punished for something.Set rules and explain why they're being set.eg.Be careful with hot water,because you could get burnt,as opposed to just saying 'be careful with hot water' .
And we need to praise effort rather than intelligence,to develop smart kids.If you keep telling your child that they're intelligent and that's how they could solve the picture puzzle,the child will take their intelligence for granted and get confused when they're not able to solve it the next time.Praise effort,so that they know they have to keep 'trying' to get it right.
This book has helped me so much because it's based on how our brains actually work.

[Liddy]

In all honesty I think no matter how you parent there are going to be 'mistakes' made. I think my parents did a fairly good job at raising me but even so now I see so many things which I wish was different about how I was raised. I wasn't abused but there is still things that effect me today from the way I was bought up.
And that is exactly what life is, there is no perfect parent.

One of my favourite quotes of all time is "there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but there's a million ways to be a really good one." And this statement is so true, people are raised in all different techniques and cultures doesn't mean any 1 technique is 'right'. It's just 'different'.
I've made many mistakes as a parent already, and I question myself daily about whether i'm making the right choices for my kids.

But at the end of the day I do realise I will be making mistakes.
Growing up my family was a closed book so one of the biggest things DH and I are trying to do is raise a family which is very open about everything. I want my girls to be able to come to us and talk about anything without fear of judgement/punishment no matter how bad it is. Growing up my brother and sister and I never told our parents anything and because of that we weren't really 'close'.

[bumMum]

Yeah sometimes I do. I have worried a lot that allowing ds to be in our bed so much means he is still gonna be doing this at 8 and to be quite honest I think he is! Its not just that but in general we don't raise our voices much or have any hard and fast rules or consequences and although he is pretty well behaved I think he possibly thinks he is the boss here. But I am trying to learn how to be "firm and fair" like my mum was as I have decided it is probably a better approach. I think no one parenting approach has it all or is perfect and no matter what we all grow up imperfect and with some bad traits that are no doubt caused by something our parents did wrong lol. In general I believe I have made mostly good choices (fingers crossed) but yeah I do worry sometimes that there will be some horrible consequences to my parenting !

[bumMum]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

That's true. Even when you look at one family two siblings can be completely different people

[Benji]

My parents were incredibly liberal and soooo easy going. While my brother and I turned out fine (in fact, I don't think my brother has ever even smoked a cigarette) and their style of parenting worked very well, I know it caused them a lot of stress when I was a teen because I walked all over them.

OP, my DS is now almost 5 yo and I find myself saying "because I said so" after explaining it and him still questioning me, I get tired of the constant and I mean CONSTANT talking and questioning from him so because I said so when I say it isn't me being a tyrant, just my way of getting him to stop giving me a headache

[Benji]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

Must admit before I was a parent I had the belief that if you treated people well from birth that we would have a very well functioning society with helpful members... boy was I wrong!! Kids are BORN with their own personality and there's often little you can do to change it. My DS is willful and so long as I keep him on the right track he uses that stubbornness for good instead of evil but I do believe he was born with that personality trait.

[MothersMilk]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.

You male a good point

I must admit i do find it a bit odd that many people seem to think that 'good parent' = a child who sleeps well/is polite/eats their vegetables etc. There are plenty of good parents who have children who don't sleep well and are very difficult. It really does have a lot to do with the personality of the child.
I have two children and they are pretty much opposites in personality. One has always been full on, loud, ball of energy, stubborn etc and the other is so placid and quiet, gentle etc. Nothing different in my parenting just two different little people.

ETA: Reminds me of when you have a baby and everyone asks 'Is s/he a good baby?' which i discovered is code for 'Do they sleep through the night' - i always thought it such a weird question, of course my baby is 'good' it's a gorgeous baby but no she doesn't sleep

[Mummabear]

That's true. Even when you look at one family two siblings can be completely different people

So very true. My boys are complete opposites in so many ways. I have one great eater and one extremely bad eater. One great sleeper, one bad sleeper. One who listens to my rules and shows respect, one who thinks he's the boss and shows no respect for our rules most of the time. One is loud and one is quiet. One is agressive and one is placid. Same family, same love, same rules - two individuals. They are their own people. All we can do is try and guide them, ultimately they are going to be who they are meant to be, it's our just to help make them the best possible version of that person.

OP, my DS is now almost 5 yo and I find myself saying "because I said so" after explaining it and him still questioning me, I get tired of the constant and I mean CONSTANT talking and questioning from him so because I said so when I say it isn't me being a tyrant, just my way of getting him to stop giving me a headache

I now do this too with my 5 year old. At the end of the day it often comes down to me using the "because I said so" because I am the parent, and he needs to know that sometimes it is just not acceptable to constantly question authority. If I feel that the situation warrants an explanation (which is most of the time, I like to think that my children are being educated at the same time as being disciplined), then I will give them a reason, but otherwise they need to respect me enough to listen to me. This has worked well for us so far - my DS1 (5 years old) will now mention to other children that "sometimes our Mum's say no to something because they love us and they are always trying to keep us safe"- very proud mummy moment when I overhear this one (usually said to his cousins!)

Must admit before I was a parent I had the belief that if you treated people well from birth that we would have a very well functioning society with helpful members... boy was I wrong!! Kids are BORN with their own personality and there's often little you can do to change it. My DS is willful and so long as I keep him on the right track he uses that stubbornness for good instead of evil but I do believe he was born with that personality trait.

Completely agree!