Consequences of your approach to parenting

[TimTamsandTea]

So MIL and I were discussing parenting styles today.

She wondered whether she 'deprived' her children by not playing with them and ruling with a rather iron fist.

After this very rare statement of doubt in her parenting choices, she was quick to say that she felt the current generation of parents (including her son and I) were far too indulgent and rattled off all the awful consequences of raising ds in this particular way.

I neatly put an end to the conversation by stating that:
*Parents do what they think will work in the best interests of their children.
*No one approach to parenting was perfect or suitable for every child.

But it got me thinking.

While I am comfortable with my approach to parenting, there are bound to be unintended consequences of this approach.

Have you ever wondered, if only for a moment, that what you think is right may infact turn around and bite you?

For example, I don't believe in the 'just because I said so' answer. I was raised in this manner and view it as a negative assertion of power.

Ds is only 2 but when I say 'no' to something, I give him a simple reason for saying no.

I feel that this approach demonstrates that we make decisions on ds's behalf based on reason not on power. That the decisions we make for him may not be well-received but are well considered and something he will come to respect. I also hope that this approach teaches ds to seek reasons for the things that happen to and around him.

But sometimes, I wonder whether I am creating a situation where I will end up explaining myself to ds at every turn. Whether I am inadvertently teaching him to be disrespectful.

Does anybody else envisage or have fleeting concerns about their own approaches to parenting?

[The C Team]

Mines a touch stupid. But here goes,
I would love to raise DD with the belief that no matter how life pans out she is free to do whatever she chooses so long as it makes her happy (much like I'd assume most parents would anyway). However, DH's family was raised in the same manner and, aside from his sister, they are all lacking in direction. The worst is the second youngest brother who flat out refuses to gain any form of employment and wants to stay on the dole living at home forever. MIL accepts this because that's what he has chosen and what makes him happy.

Sorry, not sure if it follows the guidelines to your question but it's one of those things where you want your babies to be able to do anything they want and yet not just sit home and do nothing, iykwim?

[BabelFish]

Yes I wonder about it. Especially as my daughter is going through a very, very difficult phase and I have always credited her beautiful nature and behaviour up until now to our parenting philosophy.

I have been through rather a lot of self-doubt lately but on reflection, I think that was due to various things that have been tough for us lately.

I have to remember that she is our eldest and so with every new phase and stage we are doing something we've never done before. And I have faith in our beliefs and methods.

Will we make mistakes? Without question. Will the repercussions of those mistakes be detrimental to their lives and futures? I hope not, with all my heart.

[Mummabear]

Does anybody else envisage or have fleeting concerns about their own approaches to parenting?

ha ha, only on a daily, if not hourly basis. But surely that's a sign of good conscious parenting in itself, to question yourself, hold yourself accountable & be able to objectively examine your parenting choices. Maybe we should be more worried if we were complacent & thought we had all the answers???

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[Guest1234]

ha ha, only on a daily, if not hourly basis. But surely that's a sign of good conscious parenting in itself, to question yourself, hold yourself accountable & be able to objectively examine your parenting choices. Maybe we should be more worried if we were complacent & thought we had all the answers???

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with this.
We do what we can, what we feel is best, and we can only go with that and hope for the best.
It doesn't mean we don't doubt ourselves, but that doubt can lead to a person building on what ever they doubt, and becoming better, if they feel they need to.
We are all learning, every day, with this parenting gig, its not easy, and nothing is a given, but as long as we know we are doing the absolute best we can for our children, then that's the right thing to do.

There is consequence for EVERYTHING, and its out of our control.


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[MicE]

I question my decisions daily and have the following philosophy. I may not be the greatest mom but to my DS I am and I'm the only one he knows. And at least he will have something to complain about if he goes to therapy.

On a serious note I give my DS a lot of time. I do indulge him but I have also set boundaries. He is in the terrible twos and find I am saying no an awful lot. I also explain why but he gives me a blank look and screams. I think that might be because he doesn't like my answer.
When he gets punished I explain afterwards why he was punished and that I still love him.
If there immediate consequences that may teach him a lesson then I may let him learn the hard way. Eg our driveway is very steep. For a few months DS keeps trying to go down on his push bike. I keep stopping him. The other day I didn't have the energy thought well time to see why mommy says no. Anyway you can imagine the tears afterwards. Now he takes his bike out and says hill sore. So looks like he learnt his lesson.

If we question our parenting skills we are never going to be consistent. We know what's best for our child and as long as there is love we should be fine.

[iMischa]

i question myself now i'm on bubhub. every few weeks someone will post something about 'someone they know did this' and everyone will be shocked and write why its so bad, and here i was thinking i was doing a good job, when really now i might have given my child 'an issue' in the future. >_<

both of my kids dont fit in the mould, one things works for one, and not the other, trying to figure out a way to meet both of those individual needs without making the other feel as tho they are missing out, or...that there is unfair treatment going on is REALLY hard.

at the end of the day they both run to me for hugs, the biggest one tells me he loves me the mostest in the whole world.

i can't be doing that bad if this happens right??

[SimplyMum]

Yes, I wonder the same thing and parent in the same way. There are also other decisions that I have made that I wonder if they will be the correct decisions made in hindsight. I have also come to the same conclusion- we do what we think is best at the time given what we know. This is what I hope to teach DS. To have understanding.

I very rarely say 'because I said so' but have used an around about way of saying 'because I'm the parent'. I did have the same view that I wouldn't use it but certain things have come up where this has been the only appropriate thing to say. For example, 'little Jimmy can watch Transformers (M rated), why can't I? He's younger than I am'. And I've had to say that 'I'm not his Mummy so I can't tell him what he can and can't watch, but I am your Mummy and I don't think that movie is appropriate for your age'.

I also worry about how the decision in reg to DS father is going to pan out/effect him. I wonder if he will resent me in the future, but I can't parent in that way. I made the best decision I thought possible given what I knew. DS is unfortunate that he must live with the decisions made by myself and by his father until such a time that he can make his own decisions.

[MothersMilk]

Of course i worry, i am just making up this parenting stuff as i go.
I do the best i can and my girls are very happy little people - i figure that must mean i'm doing something right

[FearlessLeader]

i don't really worry. I know we will stuff up occasionally but i'm not going to beat myself up over it. Parenting has become far too overthought IMO all you need is a stable loving home and everything else will be ok. Or maybe not, our children are their own people and are going to be who they are regardless of little hiccups along the way. I always have a giggle at parents who pat themselves on the back for their good sleeper, polite child, great eater etc. I have met children from all sorts of backgrounds and most of it comes down to personality.