Books on disciplining adopted/traumatized children.???

**Atlantic Puffin** · 15-01-2011 09:56

*Hi mods, I have also put this in the "discipline/behavior" section... for anyone in there that can help.

Does anyone know any books on dealing with traumatized adopted children, and/or books on disciplining them?

MIL has taken on caring for her half sisters daughter who is now 4 turning 5. Her parents have both died, and she was in foster care from about the age of 16months. She has been with us for 1 year now.
When she came to us she was very withdrawn, and had some strange behaviors... MIL gave her alot of room and is very lenient on her so she would feel comfortable in another country fitting in.... Now she is over powering, and has become very naughty.

MIL is at her wits end and is a mess. The girl knows the difference between right and wrong, but her latest episodes include bringing toads into the house when everyone was asleep, and this morning letting their indoor only cat, outside with the dogs.. The dogs attacked the cat and she was sitting there watching, not doing anything. When asked why she did these things, and what has she done, she simply starts crying and says i dont know. I think she figures when she crys MIL feels bad and hugs her and stuff and trys to comfort her.

MIL does not believe in smacking/hitting her, so if anyone knows any good books or where we can get information on how to deal with her that would be great.
MIL says she is still considered "traumatised" because of her parents death (even though she wouldnt remember them as they both died from seperate things when she was very young), and everything she went through while in foster care... She was basically ignored, and they had a very strict household... If that helps.

Would it be better dealing with her as a normal child, or as traumatized???

**JabberJaw** · 15-01-2011 10:03

Poor little girl, sounds like she is desperate for affection.

I dunno about books, but i think she should go to a GP for a referral to other places that can help (child psychologist, parenting classes etc etc)

I know my son isnt traumatised at all and he still would have no qualms in bringing toads inside etc! Some of it is just normal childhood behavior. My daughters wouldn't bring toads inside, but my son definitely would!

Because of all she has been through, maybe she is a bit behind in some normal behaviours. I am sure she will be fine.

**Atlantic Puffin** · 15-01-2011 10:15

Thanks Jabs, we thought it was the affection thing, because when ever MIL gives attention to the other two children in the house, she acts up really badly and misbehaves....
However, she gets the most attention in the house, and MIL is worn out from shutting herself off from the world to deal with and accommodate for her.
She has spoken to staff at anglicare where she did a course in foster caring... And they say she is doing the right thing, but in saying that, things are getting worse!!!...
I do think she is acting up for attention, but how do we change that so she does positive things for attention instead of negative things.
It is also creating drama with the other two children in the house. Although they love her, they are starting to resent her, and the youngest sibling (8yrs) is starting to act out to get attention like she does... Its such a difficult situation...

& yes, we did think maybe because she didnt get to live out her "terrible twos" in foster care because she was forced down and to be quiet, that maybe thats what she is trying to go through now.... But, she knows right from wrong which MIL sees as a difference, and she keeps doing the same things. (ie, going into MIL's bathroom and tipping all her top quality hair products down the drain etc)

MIL also refuses to go to a child psych because she thinks they wont understand her history etc.... I told MIL she should go to counselling as they might have ideas on how to deal with her, but she said no. So... She is very big on reading up on things so i thought maybe if we could find some books that could help, and took the girl for a day or so she could have a break and re-group.

By the way, we (me and DP) get along with the girl great... Although DP doesnt feel connected to her like a family member, he still loves her, and she and i are very attached. Maybe because i am the only other female adult who is a constant in her life. ?????

**JabberJaw** · 15-01-2011 10:27

Mmmm tough one!

She could read "Raising your Spirited child' by Mary Kurchinka Sheedy.

It gives some great insight into what goes in on little spirited ones heads! I read it a few years back and has changed they way i parent my kids, for the better. Gives me a bit more understanding of stuff.

Dunno if its exactly what you would be after, but is a good book. I got it from the library first then brought a copy!

**Atlantic Puffin** · 15-01-2011 10:31

Thanks, i might do that.. She is VERY spirited, thats for sure!...
I might go to the library on Monday and see if they have it!!!

Thank you

**RoarsomeMum** · 15-01-2011 10:43

Originally Posted by Laa

MIL also refuses to go to a child psych because she thinks they wont understand her history etc.... I told MIL she should go to counselling as they might have ideas on how to deal with her, but she said no. So... She is very big on reading up on things so i thought maybe if we could find some books that could help, and took the girl for a day or so she could have a break and re-group.

By the way, we (me and DP) get along with the girl great... Although DP doesnt feel connected to her like a family member, he still loves her, and she and i are very attached. Maybe because i am the only other female adult who is a constant in her life. ?????

IMO, Your MIL is wrong in her belief that a child Psyc won't understand her history.. I am wondering where on earth she got that idea from. A child Psych who meets and talks to the child has a WAY better chance of coming up with viable methods of addressing behaviour with a TRUE understanding of "said child" rather than any sweeping generalisation you could find in a book..

**Atlantic Puffin** · 15-01-2011 10:46

Oh, Roarsome, i agree 110%!!!!! I honestly believe that a child psych could get to the core problem and come up with a viable solution better then what MIL could from some book...
BUT that doesnt change her thoughts....

Its surely better to try with books then nothing at all!!!!

**RoarsomeMum** · 15-01-2011 10:53

I am sure it is.. I am just sad Your MIL is not willing to try..

I hope you find a book.. I am worried though about the "validity" of any book that claims to know how to discipline traumatised kids.. They are all so different in their needs....

Big hugs for trying..

**RoarsomeMum** · 15-01-2011 11:06

Is there anything stopping You from seeing a professional on your own merits. As in an Auntie who is spending time with the child and wanting to learn appropriate ways of discipline given the background? That could help.

**Phyllis Stein** · 15-01-2011 11:19

Here are some links on attachment disorder, which outline the particular challenges adopted/ traumatised children face forming healthy bonds with caregivers and how best to respond to them. A secure attachment is at the heart of effective discipline.

http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/
http://adoption.families.com/blog/th...hment-disorder
http://www.healingresources.info/emo...line_video.htm
http://www.healingresources.info/chi...attachment.htm

I would also definitely keep pushing for her to see a psych.

Good luck.