Hating breastfeeding... :/

[momohc85]

Hey ladies,

I'm new on this forum - just joined Bub Hub out of desperation for some support/encouragement/advice.

I am the new mum of a 6-week old baby boy....he's lovely and we love him dearly! I went through pregnancy determined to breastfeed for the first year of his life. But...I had no idea how hard it would be.

I spent five days in the hospital because he was small (2.5ks), and trying to get breastfeeding started was pure torture. He would not latch on, I was painfully engorged and had cracked nipples, and spending up to an hour and a half out of every three hours trying to feed him. Possibly the worst part was the conflicting and often directly contradictory advice I was getting from midwives. It was SO confusing and frustrating! Finally, on day four, a lactation consultant visited me and put us on a nipple shield. That seriously was the only way he would nurse, and he's still on it today.

Six weeks down the track, things are better (i.e. breastfeeding time is down, and he's getting plenty of milk and gaining weight), but I am really starting to feel depressed about the breastfeeding experience. Besides things like feeling like a milk machine and disliking my massive, leaky breasts (which is how I feel, but I wouldn't quit over those things), there are more substantial struggles: I am trying to wean him off the nipple shield but it isn't going that well, and he is quite resistant to the breast without it; I feel isolated as I can't breastfeed him in public (I'm finding subtlety impossible with the nipple shield, and I'm not personally not comfortable with just pulling out a boob in public ) so I have to go to a private room/bathroom or hurry back home if I go out so I can breastfeed; and worst of all, it is HURTING. I had mastitis at 2 weeks, and since then I've had what I suspect is an endless case of nipple thrush, which flares up and gets very painful at certain times. I feel I am either feeding, or feeling pain and discomfort in my breasts, so essentially my life has completely been absorbed by my breasts. The breastfeeding counselor I talked to on the ABA helpline yesterday suggested ways to get rid of nipple thrush; but it requires so much vigilance that I feel even more discouraged and that I don't have the energy to be constantly washing, boiling, replacing, applying, etc on top of everything else that caring for a newborn involves.

In short, I'm just feeling like I hate breastfeeding, and I really want to quit. And yet, I know it's best for bubby and I would feel so guilty quitting! I just keep thinking 'try to get to 6 months', but at the moment that just seems so far away. Today I've just been crying all day...I feel so down about it all, and wish there was some way out of it, or that it would get better. They say it gets 'established' by 6 weeks and gets better, but it hasn't for me, and I am just tired and in pain and really upset about the whole thing. I have a very supportive husband; he's probably the reason I'm still breastfeeding at this point. But I just don't know how long I can go on like this....a year, or even six months, seems so far away and I'm finding that I'm wishing the precious time away just to get to the age where I can wean our baby.

Has this been anyone's experience? Any advice or help is very appreciated!! Thank you ladies

[jacstar31]

I just wanted to say 'well done' to you and good on you for your persistance with breasfeeding!! although i have not had direct experience with the issues you have had, I have found that the lanisol cream was the absolute best for me (i am sure that you would have already been recommended this) also I would call the lactation consultant and see if they can come to your home and visit and give you some further practical advice as it is hard to get so many pieces of conflicting advice...

[deany]

i had similar issues but very thankfully it only lasted a short while! id talk to the child health nurse and asked to see a lactation consultant again also the doctor so they can help with the sore nipples!if you feel like weaning onto a bottle after seeing them do it!it wont make you a bad mum.and if you feel happier bottle feeding then you will end up being more relaxed and be able to escape the house.a good mum isnt made by breastfeeding or not,you are a good mum for chosing whats best for a relaxed bub and a relaxed mum! where do you live/ what area?i live in busselton

[Made in England]

Hi there, and welcome to Bubhub!!
it sounds like you are having a bit of a hard time hun. I can't really give you much advice, but I just wanted to share my experience with you. I also hated breastfeeding. I only lasted 2 weeks, but for those 2 weeks I was miserable, crying all the time and couldn't bond with my DD. It got to the point where I would dread her waking up for a feed. Plus DD was very unsettled. I think she must have picked up on my stress. We decided that we would put her on the bottle, I can can tell you that it was the best decision we made. I was happier, DD was happier, and she's now 13 months old, very healthy and we've never had any dramas with bottle feeding. I did feel guilty initially, but I just understood that if I had continued to BF, I would have been so unhappy, and it would have affected my bonding with DD.

Like I said, I have no real advice for you. Just lots of I just wanted to share my experience with you. I hope things get easier for you

[kar]

Get an private LC out yo see you. They usually charge about $100 for a visit. I didn't have any issues myself but have 3 friends who were all ready to quit despite wanting to keep bfeeding due to various issues like what you describe. All got through it with the support of a private LC.

[Bubmum]

Have you tried baby led attachment? there are some good videos on the ABA site to show you how this is done, and it may be able to renew your breastfeeding relationship. Allowing your son to find his own latch without relying on a shield. (If you can't see the videos, an ABA counsellor can run through it with you over the phone)

I had a relatively easy time with DD, no complications, but the amount of time she spent at the breast was at times overwhelming.

These are very early days, and I would take it week by week and see how you are feeling. Set a goal of a few days, and then re-assess. Any feeds you give your little man are wonderful, and a big Congrats on new Motherhood. I am guessing he is the most wondeful little man, and bringing you many joyous moments.

[trishalishous]

you're doing great! the hardest bit is over, and things should only get better from now on.
I had issues feeding, and I literally took it one week at a time, and kept setting goals, and now DD is 7.5 months with no signs of weaning for the next few years
I fed DD with a shield until around 3 months, before she could latch properly. yeah it was hard in public, but I found using a sling to carry her made feeding heaps eaiser! then she could snuggle down inside the sling, and I could cover up with the 'tail' of the sling.
I also invested in breastfeeding tops (on sale at target at for around $20 each) so I could just pop the nipple out.
I have big breasts and pop a rolled up teatowel under my b00b when feeding to help the angle so I can get the shield on and DD can latch properly.
as I use the sling I just need a quiet second to pop DD on, and I can walk around the shops while she feeds, without anyone even realising that I am!
I always went sling on, baby in, pop nipple out, put shield on, line up with DDs mouth and go.
once they are off the shield, its SOOO much easier to feed in public!
also once you start doing it, it becomes rather natural- I used to leave the shops/go to the parents room/sit in cafe booth, but after around 200 feeds in public (7months of 4feeds or so in public each day) I'm blase about it all.
I fed DD in the pits at speedway the other night, and in the middle of a shearing shed, and tbh the men didn't even notice!
have you tried expressing a few bottles for out and about if needed?

[kvaust3]

Hi, I feel for you, motherhood should be an enjoyable experience for both you and your baby. If you are having this many problems breastfeeding, and your upset, its probably not worth it for you or your baby. You have done so well to get this far, especially with all the problems you are having, and you should be proud of yourself - not guilty. These days, so much emphasis is placed on breastfeeding and mothers often feel so guilty about bottle feeding their babies when they really shouldn't. I have 3 sons, all of whom I breastfed for 2-4 months, but in the end, I was always happier once I started to bottle feed. I felt more human and my husband also enjoyed feeding and bonding with the babies. My sons were also more content once on the bottle. I felt so guilty with my first when I stopped breastfeeding, when I really shouldn't have. Ultimately its your decision when your ready to wean your baby, and if its going to make you a happier mother, then go right ahead and do it!!

[momohc85]

Thank you girls for your replies!!

I do want to keep going, or at least try hard. I know it's much better for bub. I am going to call a personal lactation consultant like a few of you suggested. Actually I have a friend who loves the lactation consultant who helped her, so I think I might call her. I'm hesitant to go to a breastfeeding centre even tho it's free (there is an ABA one near here) because of the whole conflicting-opinions thing....might be better to just see ONE person in my home.

I think if I can really deal with the nipple shield issue, I will feel like I can take on breastfeeding for at least the medium-term. I tried feeding him without it just now, and though it took some time and quite a bit of patience, he did latch on and managed to eat. Actually, I let him root and try to attach himself, like Bubmum suggested....and though it took awhile, he got it himself in the end, and didn't get frustrated like when I'm trying to stuff the nipple in his mouth! Thanks for the suggestion! I'm thinking....cold turkey might be the best option. Otherwise it's too easy to just stick the shield on if it gets a bit hard.

Trishalishous, good to hear that it is possible to feed in public with a nipple shield, and also that it gets much easier when you get off it. I just feel like a prisoner in my own home some days, so I gotta figure this thing out....

thanks ladies, hope you had a Merry Christmas and are having a great boxing day.

[Bubbles10]

You have done great to get through these early weeks with the issues you have had. Hope the LC can give you some advice to help bub get off the shields.

As bubs mouth grows, attachment can sometimes be a bit easier (for those who find it hard initially)

I love baby led attachment. The shower or bath or just after having a bath together can be a good time to try it.

good luck