What do y do when DH doesnt agree on no: of kids

**jaydensmum** · 06-09-2005 10:51

Hi its jaydensmum, Im just inquirying on when the DH doesnt agree with the number of kids to have. I've always wanted to have a big family and he doesnt want that. He only wants 3 and I would love 4 kids. Im just wondering if anyone has gone through this situation. If you have, can you tell me how you resolved it, please. Also what do you think is a perfect number of kids and y?

**drewid** · 06-09-2005 11:03

Hi there

I'm a bit of a Dr Phil addict (unfortunately) and I think he has the perfect hit on this sort of situation:

Are your reasons for having more kids MORE IMPORTANT than your partners reason for not having more kids?

You really need to weigh it up.

Dr Phil's own example is that they had one son and then he had a vasectomy. His wife later decided she desperately wanted another child. He figured that his wife DESPERATELY wanted another child, and he didn't have any STRONG feelings against having another, so he had the reversal and subsequently they had another child. If it had have been up to him, he would have only had 1 child, but he realised what was important to his wife was more important than not having another child was to him. IYKWIM.

I think you and your partner need to outline your reasons why you both want what you do, and try to see the bigger picture. Its not worth screwing up your relationship fighting over whether to have a 4th child, when you still only have the 1 at the moment! Give it time...talk a lot.....try to see each others point of view.

**cosmic** · 06-09-2005 12:17

Hi Naomi,

I think what Nicole said is spot on about the Dr Phil thing (though on the whole I'm a bit over Dr Phil.. I think he's turning a bit Jerry Springer-ish.

)

I also agree that when you are only 20 and still only the one bub it is probably way too early to be arguing about what the limit is going to be! Who knows? You might have three and decide that's all you want and DH may suddenly cotton on to the big family idea! I think as long as you both agree in principle that you want more than one (or even more than two), that's a good start. Maybe play it by ear after that.. our needs and preferences change over time and you have no idea what the future holds or how your experience as parents might change your opinions.

For now, I hope you are getting lots of joy from the one you've got.

**H&B'sMum** · 06-09-2005 15:26

Hi Naomi,
My DH and I are in the same position as you are. I want 4 he wants 3. We have decided to take it one child at a time and talk about our reasons for wanting another one. We are currently TTC #2. Yet I have always said that depending on my pregnancies and labours I get the final decision on whether we go again. He agrees with that seeing I'm the one that goes through everything, he thinks that only I can decide whether or not I can got through it again. Needless to say with this one, I'm dying to be pregnant again.
This is something that you two need to talk about and decide on as you comtemplate the next child. I think both or you, just like us, will know when it's time to stop having babies.

**mygirls** · 06-09-2005 17:18

Originally Posted by jaydensmum

Hi its jaydensmum, Im just inquirying on when the DH doesnt agree with the number of kids to have. I've always wanted to have a big family and he doesnt want that. He only wants 3 and I would love 4 kids. Im just wondering if anyone has gone through this situation. If you have, can you tell me how you resolved it, please. Also what do you think is a perfect number of kids and y?

Hi there Naomi

We have 3 beautiful girls & id love just 1 more. Soon after the birth of DD #3 i knew i really wanted another baby but i really didnt think my DH would want one more as we said after we fell pregnant (#3) that this was it! Now that we have discussed it a bit we have decided to do nothing permanent for a little while so we can sort out how we both feel about 1 more (or not

?)

Seeing as you only have 1 at the moment i guess you should just take each bub as they come. There is no perfect number of children to have, each family will have a certain number of children for there own reasons - we have some friends with 11! Try not to think too far into the fututre! He really may want 4 one day!!!

Kristy 24
DH 29
DD 3
DD 20mth
DD 5mth

**wkali** · 08-09-2005 15:34

Hi!

I agree with what everyone has already said. I used to want 6 kids

& dh only wanted 3 . . . . but now that we have 1, I've since changed my mind!

Your needs do change as you go along, so talk to your partner about it & enjoy what you already have - a beautiful baby. Although I have to admit that I get a tad envious when I see a pregnant woman in the street as I think they all look beautiful. And I loved having a big pregnant belly myself!

Enjoy it while you can as they grow up so quickly!

Cheers

**MoushiMoushi** · 08-09-2005 16:37

DH wants us to have three more and I only want one more!
His already figured it all out, according to him we should start trying now and have another boy, then wait 1.5 years then have another boy then wait 2 years and have a girl

I've already laid down the law (LOL

) told him since Its my body being used to host all these babies I should ultimately decide how many we have. That might sound harsh but its truly how I feel, I'm not about to be pressured into having babies willy nilly!!!

The whole pregnancy/birth/bf/mothering experience so far has been amazing but its something that has taken alot out of me (and our relationship) yes its made us stronger but its forever changed things, adding more and more children would not help thats for sure not to mention our financial situation.

Like everyone before me has written you really need to talk openly and find a viable compromise or in my case just lay down the law LOL

**mummy84** · 18-09-2005 13:06

Hi we are in the same predicament. We currently have 2 children 3 and 7 months. I desperatly want another 1 or 2 and Dh is happy with just the two (we have a girl and a boy)DH says he want to have a life to do stuff with just us. We are only 20 and 24 I say even if we have one more we will still have plenty of time to do the thing we want to.What do you think?

Bree 24/11/1984
Scott 22/01/1981
Noah 18/04/2002
Emelia 05/02/2005

**angelcarmie** · 03-10-2005 03:59

When my partner and I first got together he brought up children after about 3mths. I was then 21 him 23 and I said that I wasnt ready to start a family until I was 25. I had wanted 2 close together as me and my brother are 5 years apart and we were always at different stages in ablity and dont have a close relationship. He has a sister, they are 2 years apart and get along well. He said that he wanted four children.

We fell pregnant about 6mths later and there was no question that we would keep our baby, even though I was only 22. Our daughter is now 13mths and we are debating if we should try for baby #2 now or in another 3-6mths.

I have now changed and would like 3 children, where he now only wants 2. I work full time shift work (13hr shifts) and he is stay at home daddy. Although it is me that goes through everything he has full care of the children 2-4 days aweek and we share the other 4-5 days.

We will decided once we have another baby if we should try for #3 or not when the time comes as lots of things can change personally and environmentally in that time.

**maybe1more** · 04-10-2005 14:16

Hi Jaydens mum, im in the same boat too! Why do men get to choose how many kids we have, after all 90% of the up- bringing is done by us, we know what were installed for! I only have one at the moment and i not long ago lost bub number too, and even then i had to beg him to have another one! After i lost the baby he said 'we i guess it wasnt meant to be, looks like were just going to have the one"

I was shocked, im dieing to have another one! Although i have to wait 6 months due to the molar pregnancy i had, im planning on having another as soon as i get the all clear from the doctors, but my dp said that our first will be in kindy by then so i can then get a job, because if i was to have another one it will be another 4 to 5 years before i can get a job, I know we dont have our own house and by me going back to work and having two incomes we could get a home, but i dont want to wait 10 years before i have another bub, i want to have my kids close in age. MEN!!!