Juggling a 3 year old and a 15 year old???

**Leisa21** · 22-10-2010 23:45

I'm having trouble juggling the priorities of a 3 year old and a 15 year old! My SIL desperately needs me and 90%of the time I manage to be there but I feel awful. She needs someone, deserves someone 100% of the time. She knows I'm always there but I have to say I'll be there for you IF I can. I hate it.

How can I sit up with her until 2am when I have to be up at 6am with DS, take a 2 hour drive to visit family and then deal with the ailments of pregnancy. Her Mums not there as she left them and her Dad tries but she's not comfotable with him helping her.

She's got a bad urinary tract infection and asked her mum to take her to the Dr but she said she was off to the coast for the weekend so I took her. FIL was upset she didn't want him. I bought her antibiotics and I've sat with her for most of the day/night. I can't do more though, I'm exhausted.

My Mum always sat with me, looked after me but I have a toddler and a baby on the way. Is it fair if I put DS second to look after her? If I sit up until 2am I can't be up 3-4 hours later so he misses out. However SIL is sore, crying and rejected by her mum. A once off is easy but frequently is so hard

.

I just dint know how to split myself. I desperatly want to be the 'Mum' she deserves and I had but how can I do it? She told me tonight that she wishes she could live with me and she wishes I was her Mum

.

**Lemonhead** · 22-10-2010 23:50

Without sounding harsh, I think your DS (and yourself/bubby) need to come first. Not that I think you would ever neglect him at all but she is 15, he is 3 and you are pregnant and sick a lot of the time...she is old enough to understand that.

It sounds like a tough situation, and I feel for your SIL...you sound like a very caring SIL yourself and Im sure she is thankful for what you are doing

.

**Leisa21** · 22-10-2010 23:57

I know I need to put them first, I just spent half an hour crying about it. But then I thought even though I'm not her mother some mothers have 15 year olds and toddlers. How the heck do they manage? There must be a way to juggle both I just don't know how.

She's great, she always tells me I do too much and she doesn't expect it. Reality is, she needs it. She has a urinary tract infection and is confused about sex, contraception, why she got it and how. She needs someone she trusts and I'm it. If I stop she'll go down hill and fast.

I'd never neglect my family but I feel that includes her. I can't sit there and say I'll love and nurture my family but not her. She is my family. It's so tough

**Lemonhead** · 23-10-2010 00:05

I guess its just about balance. You can be a great SIL to her without wearing yourself down. Just having someone to be around and talk to would be making the world of difference to her.

**Mrs Nietzsche** · 23-10-2010 00:05

Well I really do have an 11 year old and a 2 & 1 year old (and pregnant). I can tell you I don't do all that for my 11 yo.

It is very difficult and I feel quite schizophrenic sometimes in how I have to change mentally for each child. No. 1 is not taking out sleep deprivation, pain, frustration out on her.. ie sometimes if she comes and asks me something when I am in the middle of an agonising time herding the children into the bath or something I feel like snapping at her, obviously unfair. I try to stagger shifts a bit, have a good chat iwht her in afternoon and also before I turn her light out (after smaller ones asleep). But she knows I must have my sleep or I am horrible.

I really think you can't feel guilty. if you are consistent and make her feel secure, and maybe try and have a habit of certain times you are available for her, I'm sure it will be fine (wihtout knowing how traumatised she is from prev history). I don't think she needs you to sit up with her til 2am, I think she needs you to sit with her for half an hour and be loving for that time, and to be in the next room if she needs you, and for you to take care of yourself. There is no harm in her understanding that you are taking care of everyone, that she has a secure place but there has to be balance.

**Cheerilee** · 23-10-2010 00:09

Originally Posted by Mrs Nietzsche

Well I really do have an 11 year old and a 2 & 1 year old (and pregnant). I can tell you I don't do all that for my 11 yo.

It is very difficult and I feel quite schizophrenic sometimes in how I have to change mentally for each child. No. 1 is not taking out sleep deprivation, pain, frustration out on her.. ie sometimes if she comes and asks me something when I am in the middle of an agonising time herding the children into the bath or something I feel like snapping at her, obviously unfair. I try to stagger shifts a bit, have a good chat iwht her in afternoon and also before I turn her light out (after smaller ones asleep). But she knows I must have my sleep or I am horrible.

I really think you can't feel guilty. if you are consistent and make her feel secure, and maybe try and have a habit of certain times you are available for her, I'm sure it will be fine (wihtout knowing how traumatised she is from prev history). I don't think she needs you to sit up with her til 2am, I think she needs you to sit with her for half an hour and be loving for that time, and to be in the next room if she needs you, and for you to take care of yourself. There is no harm in her understanding that you are taking care of everyone, that she has a secure place but there has to be balance.

Great advice. I think spending a while of quality time is worth more than you spending time but wanting to be sleeping. As long as she knows if she needs you in the night or gets worse to come and get you.

UTI are the pits. Have you got her some cranberry juice? It is the best

**Leisa21** · 23-10-2010 00:15

Thanks

Mrs N you must be effing tired!! She's just in a lot of pain tonight and I hate being sore and sick and alone. I checked on her and she's okay but quite sore. I worry she won't want to bother me if it gets worse, although she promised she would.

I stress about not doing enough bevause she's hurting over her Mum. She's accepted that her mother isn't there and said "I know she doesn't love me or care but I wish she would". I think as a mother hearing that makes me concious of letting her down. I know she'll never expect me to be there all the time but it's at the point where I am doing a lot so I worry about what happens when I have to say no.

She did tell me to go to sleep so I'm alive in the morning so I'm glad she understands I need sleep but gosh I feel for her

. I just want to snuggle away the pain and throw things at my MIL. DH told me tonight that it's his Mum too and he should get extra snuggles for having a sh1t mum lol. Of course he gets plenty.

I'm not ready for a teenager

. Thanks heaps Mrs N, you've got a busy house there!!

**bumMum** · 23-10-2010 00:19

My mum always had babies in the house plus teenagers and sometimes up to eight kids at once but she never neglected me even though I understood I couldn't have her undivided attention all the time. Sometimes she would just say look I'm really busy ill talk to you soon and I want to hear all about it.

**Leisa21** · 23-10-2010 00:21

Originally Posted by Cheerilee

Great advice. I think spending a while of quality time is worth more than you spending time but wanting to be sleeping. As long as she knows if she needs you in the night or gets worse to come and get you.

UTI are the pits. Have you got her some cranberry juice? It is the best

Thanks, I picked some up but she was disappointed because she thought she loved cranberry juice but this one had no sugar

. She's sipped it though so that's something. She's struggling to eat because she said it hurts her tummy which I find odd because I've never had crampy pains after eating with a UTI. I need my Mum lol.

**Cheerilee** · 23-10-2010 00:25

Originally Posted by Leisa21

Thanks, I picked some up but she was disappointed because she thought she loved cranberry juice but this one had no sugar

. She's sipped it though so that's something. She's struggling to eat because she said it hurts her tummy which I find odd because I've never had crampy pains after eating with a UTI. I need my Mum lol.

The infection could be aggravating her bowel if that makes sense, unless she is getting her period as well. There is a cranberry one especially for UTI. It is called Uricleanse. It is like Ural but tastes better

and has cranberry in it.