Does this sound okay? (discipline/teaching)

[Boobycino]

I believe discipline is important - but discipline as in teaching right from wrong.

I've also always been responsive to cries and I don't believe toddlers fake tantrums or 'put on' tantrums to get attention or get a result. (maybe at an older stage, but not at 21 months I don't think Jasper has that amount of 'reasoning' )

But Jasper cries if ever in even a tiny bit in trouble- like a stern 'no''

So my question is does this sound 'right'? I think I just want reassurance or gentle approach suggestions.

Jasper had a packet of saltanas and asked for the pot on the stove. I said 'it's not cooked yet you can have it later' he 'eeeeeeerrrr' (he doesn't talk yet ) I said 'no - soon' he tipped his saltanas on the floor. I said 'stop' and got down on my knees to say it, he then threw the rest of the saltanas on the floor defiantly and I raised my voice (a bit) and said 'a! No!'

He CRIED!!!! Heart breaking sobs and throws himself at me and I comforted him.

So.... I dunno.... New to the definance and tantrum/tears thing...

Feedback?!?

I feel bad for making him cry! And at the same time feel like giving him the hug gives him mixed signals!

[UmmInayah]

i don;t beleive you made him cry. i think he is learning that sometimes there are things her can't do and sometimes people get upset if he does do things that are not right.. if that makes sense?

my 18 month old cries if i tell her no especially if i say no more breastfeeding because i am tired. but other people's feelings matter too. not just hers. she is understanding more now of what i mean when i say no.

you are doing the right thing by comforting him and not "giving in" to things like hot stuff on the stove

[EquineMum]

My DS is 23 months (so a smidge older than Jasper) and he definitely knows about chucking tantrums to try and get his way and has done for quite a few months now! He is very advanced in his speech and will say in no uncertain terms what he thinks, but if he doesn't get his way in some things, he'll simply throw a wobbly.

You do need to teach Jasper that he can't have everything he asks for - it's just not possible, and you definitely can't let him know that his tears affect you so much or he WILL use that to his advantage when he gets older LOL so better to start out right at this point

The one thing that has worked for us is a 'crying cushion' on the floor. When DS starts to cry if he hasn't got his way, he gets told "no, you can't have X...." or "Stop crying and Mummy will get you X" and gets put on the cushion. He knows as soon as he stops crying, he can get up - and often if I say "have you finished crying?" he'll actually say "no!" and keep going.....or at other times, he may stop and say "Finished!" and then get up and keep playing. It took a few times of putting him back on initially for him to understand what it was about, but he's soon learnt that if he bursts into tears or has a tantrum because he simply hasn't gotten his way, he very quickly finds his butt on the cushion until he remembers to either a) ask nicely or b) stop crying and continue playing.

[kar]

F is exactly the same. At 18 months he is really starting to push boundaries - throws things quite deliberately to see my reaction, constately pulling stuff out of draws etc etc. And we have real sobbingg tears at a stern voice.
My approach is "F stop/no. In this house we don't x, y, z". When the tears flow we have a cuddle and I say "its ok, mumma isn't angry, but we do not x,y,z". Repeat.

I think the cuddle etc is just reinforcing that it is the behavior that is unacceptable not them. More and more often now we are not get g the tears afterwards, just a laugh and repeat of the behavior so maybe I'm not o e to advise on this...

[flicker]

i dont think you are making him cry. it sounds like he is getting frustrated in not being able to understand or communicate what he is feeling.

i think throwing his saltanas would be out of frustration.
i think it is great that you are not giving in. if he cries at you saying no, then he is understanding that he is not getting what he wants. if you start giving in when he cries because you feel bad he will soon learn that if he throws a tanty after you say no, he will get what he wants. so stay strong. and maybe just do a quick, i am sorry you are upset, but that is the way it is.

this is the age that i taught my ds to sign because his language was behind and he did not understand, so the tantrums got pretty bad. i found what helped me, was not actually using the word no sometimes, as i found i was saying it all day at one point! instead putting it in a possitive, or distracting his attention or saying wait or soon or how about we jump up and down 20 times and it might be cool by then...

things like that seemed to stop bad behaviour before it happened.


but i think you are doing great

[Boobycino]

Okay cool.

I've had a few 'omg okay then!' moments with crying and giving in - like he wants my toothbrush and I get fed up and go 'here! Have it' which I know isn't the right thing and so I'm being wary of it. And also picking my battles, like not saying no if it could be yes - like if he wants to get out of the pram I say 'no'' then 'yes'' I think if I'm going to say yes I should just say yes.

Gosh it's complicated 'hey!

I think a 'crying'' cushion is a nice idea, like I also don't want to stop him crying if he needs to cry. or I'd maybe use a crying 'teddy' as well, like sit and cuddle crying bear till you calm down? Make it a coping thing?

Problem is - and cause of issues I spose - is Jasper doesn't talk.

Argh!

Oh and I like that 'the behavior is unacceptable not him' I suppose that's what I want to tell him.

[Merla]

DD is a bit younger (17 months) but very fiery and assertive, so we have similar issues.

We have avoided the word "no", it doesn't exist in this house, instead we use "uh uh ah" and "stop" if its important. I try not to raise my voice unless it is important (running away into danger, touching the stove/knife) instead using stern tones. We often start with a tentative tone "uh uh uh bubba" and see her reaction before lowering our tone and being more assertive. She will often stop but sometimes it will take some more preservation. I will often remove her at that time and attempt to distract her with something else. Removing her often results with a tantrum, but is quickly forgotten about by the distraction.

How else do you think you could have handled the situation? You explained why he couldn't have it yet, then when he got upset could you have distracted him with something else until it was ready? Perhaps a toy, game or sitting in the highchair doing some drawing?

I am a big fan of picking my battled and clear boundaries, there are some things S is never allowed to do (posting things in the toilet for example) and others where she can in some situations (walking without holding my hand or wearing shoes). I have found that the areas we have the most problems are when she is confused about what is expected of her, when the rules are clear she grasps when she is doing something wrong.

That said I can not count the amount of times I have sat waiting on the floor whilst S throws herself down screaming and frustration. I just sit and way, sometimes I will say "whenever your ready" or "would you like a cuddle yet?". I believe in emotional availability, whilst I don't like her tantrums, when she is done I want her to know that mum is still here for a hug and it is alright.

Not sure if that helped at all or if I'm just rambling...

[JabberJaw]

Sounds like you are doing a perfect job

I do the same with my DD who is now 2.5 and it has now kicked in and she grasps the concept.

She does now often backchat (dont like you, no talk to me etc) and stomps away (which is super funny!) But she has learned that from the older ones i think. These days i say ...look at mummy...and then speak to her or explain things. If she has done the wrong thing she generally looks in the other direction instead of right at me!

But i dont think you are making him cry, he is probably exploring his feelings and the reactions he gets, so what you are doing is going to have a good impact in the future if you remain consistent.

[beccaboobang]

Small comment: Getting down to the childs eye level is definately recommended! So good job!

[Boobycino]

Oh yeah - gotta get down to his level or I could say ' no' till the cows come home he would ignore me.

I liked your rambling merla

I say 'uh uh' a lot for little things - like 'uh uh don't touch.'

I do think I may overuse 'no'' cos all of a sudden Jasper says 'no'' a lot! But that could be an age thing.

I wish he had more language. He says a lot of words but nothing that would really help with important things. So far 'shoes!' is his most useful word - he tells me when his shoes fall off but otherwise he says car, ball, birdies, fishies, nemo, go! (on the slide to slow children - ) and other words of things he likes, but no talking talking. It's a bit 'argh! Bring on language!!!'

Because we have a lot of tantrums that are purely and simply because I'm going 'what do you want bub? This one? Umm, what about that? This? No? What? This one? No?!? What?!? What is it?!? What do you want?!??'

and he's pointing and pointing and then we both get a bit flustered with one another

Agh!

Now I'm venting!

Joys hey?