My Story - Gone at 12 weeks and 3 days

[FluffyDucks]

Not sure where to start but will start somewhere at the beginning.

I already have 2 wonderful healthy boys and had no trouble whatsoever in concieving them.

We decided to try for a third (in Jan 2009) and assumed that we should fally pregnant as easily as I did with DS1 and DS2.

After 14 cycles of trying, seeing a FS who told me I had unexplained infertility, I finally fell pregnant in March 2010. This was to be our last try as the emotional rollercoaster of AF, Oing, TWW and AF, etc was just getting to me. Plus my age and the gap between the 2 boys and the third one was widening.

I was over the moon...so damn happy that you couldnt wipe the smile off my face! I had found a wonderful OB who was going to let me try for a VBAMC, was going to breast feed longer (had heaps of trouble with DS2) and just enjoy this last one as I didnt have to slog it to work to the city being pregnant and I am now a SAHM.

Then about 3 weeks in I became sick with pnemonia. I was just so ill, with constant rounds of antibiotics but just couldnt get rid of it. I was worried about the baby but had a 7 week scan and saw the heartbeat and it measured perfectly so I was ok.

Stiill so sick, still on antibiotics but I had a 10 week scan and again, bubs measured perfectly and saw/heard the heartbeat....but I just couldnt shake that something wasnt quite right. I just assumed because I was so ill that that was it.

So at 11 weeks I told my and DPs family...hadnt told friends yet as we thought we would wait til the 12 week scan. I mean at 11 weeks surely everything so be ok right?

Went in for my 12 week scan in May 2010...DP was at home looking after the kids and I was so excited and looking forward to getting all the measurements done so I know for certain that the baby was fine.

Listened to the heartbeat...that was great I was so happy thinking everything is ok, then the OB wanted to do an internal...thats cool I thought. During the the scan, put his hand on my arm and said, "I'm sorry but there is something seriously wrong with your baby". I looked at him thinking he as joking but no. My world just fell apart.

He showed me on the scan exactly what was wrong. The baby had a condition called Fetal Hydrops where there is a build up of fluid around all the major organs - so the brain, lungs, heart, stomach - just everywhere. He explained usually babys dont make it this far along and are probably a cause for a lot of early miscarriages as the fluid builds up and up and the organs cant develop and the baby dies.

He explained that the babys condition was so far advanced that if I continued with the pregnancy the baby would more then likely die by about 16 weeks. He said I could continue with the pregnancy but the chances of survival even if the baby made it to birth was so small and even then there would be so much medical care to keep the baby alive as it would have heaps of problems.

And the hardest thing was looking at the monitor and seeing that little heart beating and beating...knowing that I would need to terminate.

He recommended a D&C immediatley as I was at the borderline of where they can no longer do a D&C and would need to take a table and miscarry the baby. He advised that it would be easier for me to do a D&C.

So the next day I was booked into the hospital for a D&C. It all happened so quickly from extreme happiness and then utter devastation in about an hour.

My family knows why I had the D&C but I havent told anyone else. I tell people if it comes up in conversation that I had a miscarriage as I dont want to have to go through the whole story as its just to diffcult. Miscarriages are weirdly acceptable. But a 'medically necessary termination'? Dunno.

At the hospital before the procedure I asked the gyne if the baby would feel it as I didnt want the baby to feel any pain as it died. And she answered truthfully and said that they dont know but they believe that at this early stage the baby's brain is not very developed that it wouldnt understand what was happening.

Thats what hurts me the most. I was starting to feel the baby and had seen the heart beating in 3 scans so knew it was alive. I just hope with all my heart that the baby didnt feel any pain, that maybe the condition had affected its development to a point where it couldnt know what was going on.

Its funny when before you are pregnant you chat with your partner about 'what would you do if...there was something wrong with the baby' and we always agreed that we would terminate. But when it happens...its just not that easy.

We are trying again...I am hoping so badly that we fall pregnant again but deep down dont think its going to happen.

Not sure how to finish but thank you for reading and if you are in a similar situation just know you arent alone. As horrible and painful and emotionally draining it does get better. I still think about it and try not to cry but I am feeling better. Its only been 3ish months now since it happened as I write this but I am grateful that I have a wonderful supportive partner and beautiful children who have helped me through this.

[mumtobodie]

I am so very sorry for your loss, it would have been such a heartbreaking situation to be in. I really think you story will help others going through a similar situation. Good luck with TTC

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I am so deeply sorry for your loss...
I had a medical termination at 16 weeks due to a chromosonal disorder.
It was the hardest most devastating thing I have ever experienced. I still have alot of grief and guilt associated with it.
Please don't hesitate to seek some councelling.

[Seacretsquirrel]

I am sorry for your loss. You are so couragous sharing your story I cannot imagine how had that decision would be.

for TTC

[3boysnpregnant]

Thanks so much for sharing hun!

I have never been through this so dont know how you feel.. But i truly feel for you..

I am in a situation atm too where any day things could start to happen and it scares the beejesus out of me..

I am so sorry for your loss! And I hope you do fall pregnant again.//

[c38]

So sorry for your loss

Your wee one will be remembered through this wonderful new section and hopefully lots of families will get support and comfort though reading and sharing in your story

[MegaGuts]

Im just so devastated for you, i can't begin to imagine the pain that you must still be going through.

I hope so badly for you and your wonderful DH that you are able to conceive again. Im not a religious person, but may God bless you with your heart's desires

[Amara]

Hugs. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little one. I have my fingers crossed for you that you have a successful cycle soon.

[alternatemum]

Thankyou for sharing your Story. It is just so heart breaking but we are all here for eachtother!!

[AJGirl08]

As alternatemum said, it truly is heartbreaking. It just goes against every fibre of your being to actually make the decision to end a much wanted and loved pregnancy especially after seeing and hearing that little heart beating. DP and I were the same...we had spoken about what we would do "if ever..." and termination was something we both agreed would be best for us. Then we were faced with that nightmare situation and the reality was so utterly devastating.

I can understand why you would say you had a miscarriage to save having to go into details. I've had a couple of friends shut down and change the subject when we were talking about our ordeal. It really hurt that they couldn't/wouldn't hear our story but I know it wasn't done to intentionally hurt me. Now I just say we lost our pregnancy at 23 weeks and leave it at that.

Thanks for starting this new section, I believe it's gonna be a place of healing for a lot of women.