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    Default feedback for my essay :)

    im posting my essay here for some helpful feedback not its LOOONG and not finished
    Improvements in the holistic health status of Australians have not been experienced uniformly by all people. In your opinion, what factors do you think may contribute to health disparities (i.e., in different regions of Australia, differing races, cultures, gender, socio-economic status, etc.)? Explain the factors and support your ideas with references to your subject content and readings. What actions may be taken by early childhood centres (with cooperation from allied health providers) to reduce these disparities for the children, staff and families? Some considerations could be programs, curriculum, environments, policies and individual and community actions.
    What is holistic health? The concept of holistic health is not just achieving physical health and fitness but to include a wellness in all dimensions of health. holistic health is defined by Donatelle as “the ever-changing process of achieving individual potential in the physical, social, emotional, metal, environmental and spiritual dimensions”.(Donatelle, R, J. 2006, 6) The holistic health status of Australians continues to improve overall and standing up against other countries Australia has a level or leading health status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p6) ). However holistic health has yet to be experienced equally by all Australians. Many factors influence whether a person in experiencing holistic health. Factors include the region you live in Australia, your culture, your lifestyle, your age, your knowledge of holistic health and social-economic situation
    Although Australia has a population of only 21 million which is small compared to the rest of the industrialized world. Australia is a vast country made up many different living environments and regions. While many Australians reside in the cities and surrounding suburbs and metropolitan areas there is still a large population living in rural and remote regions of Australia. The area that we live impacts both positively and negatively on our holistic health. Each region of Australia has its own negatives and positives but the most negatively impacted areas are the remotes areas of Australia. Many view living in rural Australia as a healthy lifestyle surrounded by beautiful landscapes and clean air, full of activity as appose to Australians living in the cities surrounded by what seems like many people who are overweight and increasing smog and population levels. Just under one third of Australians live in rural or remote regions. These people generally have poorer health than Australians living in urban areas (status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p23) With higher smoking populations and poorer access to health services contributing to the lower quality of health as well as preventable cancers such as cancers associated with sun exposure (melanoma) and smoking (lung and head) cancers that are detectable through screening (cervical) (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p24) many health risk for rural Australians are preventable, with an increased by 8% in smoking rates and males are more increase chance of alcohol abuse. While people in rural and remote areas are more likely to engage in behaviours associated with poorer health, their diet is likely to include more vegetables (AIHW 2008). (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p26). People in remote areas have limited access to health services such as medical doctors, dental health care, and psychologist, which can impact both their when, and how they get sick. Living in remote areas you can also have limited or no access to community services and unable to fully participate in the six categories of social and civic participation as described by Baum. These six catergoiries include informal social participation; visiting family, friends and neighbours, formal social participation; visiting cafes and restaurants, cinemas, dances and social clubs, group social participation; sporting associations, gym and exercising classes, hobby group, support groups, individual civic participation; attending council, town meetings, attend protest meeting, group participation; political party, community action, trade union, local government, community group participation; volunteer oragistaion, school related group, attending church. (Baum, F, Palmer, C, Modra, C., Murray, C. & Bush, R., 2000, p255) Remote and rural areas also have less options for quality schools and child care centers’. While city and suburbs communities can benefit from social interactions the design and construction of the built area can significantly inpact on their health. The way the area is built can also impact negatively on our holistic health. Not having access to proper walk ways and parks can promote sedentary lifestyles. I believe our estate housing areas that are popping up everywhere lack the planning to include walkable neighbourhoods. “Recent studies using objective measures of total physical activity have found residents of high-walkable neighbourhoods get one hour more of physical activity each week and are 2.4 times more likely to meet physical activity recommendations than residents of low- walkable nighbourhoods”(sallis, J & Glanz, K (2006, p93). So it would seem Australians living closer to the cities have an increase physical health. I believe though that rural Australians would have a better environmental health overall with less pollution in their surrounding areas and being more connected to the natural environment
    The race and culture of Australians also can lead to disparities in holistic health. Australia is a multicultural country with 24% of the total population born overseas and 2.5% of the population Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people. “Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples (Indigenous Australians) experience significantly more ill health than other Australians. They typically die at much younger ages and are more likely to experience disability and reduced quality of life because of ill-health” (AIHW 2007a). a Major factor of indigenous health is 68% live in rural or remote regions of Australia with the health factors mentioned before. However Aboriginal Australians children are 5 times more likely to be breastfeeding at 12month or older and since “breastfeeding is known to have a role in maintaining the newborn’s immunity against some diseases and a protective role in preventing type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowl disease, sids, asthma and other allergic diseases and obesity (AIHW, 2005; Jones et al, 2003; WHO, 2005a) The AIHW (2009) note that many Indigenous mothers have a poor health status before, during and after giving birth and this in turn affects the infant’s health. Poor diet is one contributor to this and often this is due to the inability to access quality foods such as fresh fruit and vegetables as well as clean drinking water. (Alicia Darke , EEB Forums, 27-5-10)92% of non-indigenous children in Australia are fully immunised- Indigenous children 17% less causing disparity in health.(Hull, McIntyre & Couzos, 2004 cited in McMurray (2007) I do believe that Indigenous Australians living a traditional life experience good quality spiritual and environmental health by being connected to the land.
    Many families in modern Australia today are from 2 parent working homes which mean more children in child care than ever before and for extended hours. In 2008 an estimated 760 852 children attended child care in Australia, with Fourty-five per cent of parents who responded to a 2004 Australian Government survey said they used two or more forms of care each week (http://raisingchildren.net.au/articl...ml/context/196). Children lifestyles to have significantly change over the last generations while many of my peers in wellness and wellbeing spending large amounts of time playing outside connecting with their friends and neighbours when they were children “I remember playing outside in the backyard most of my childhood, turning my dad’s garden shed into a cubby, the hot summers sweating but still rocking my baby to sleep in their pram. I remember making up dance routines and playing elastics and skipping or just laying down in the grass seeing what shapes we could see in the clouds” (Sarah-Beth Duke, EEB306 forums, 25-5-10) yet most children today spend large quntaties of time inside watching tv or playing computer games, while recreational behaviours such as watching tv, using computer and video games are all important parts of children lives they are also risk factors for obesity (Saelens, B., 2003, cited sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94)
    Your age can be a disparity in you achieving holistic health. Children are at advantages as they rely on adults to make their health choices for them. Parents decide children which day care and school they go to, teachers have control over the environment of these places. Town planners have design and control over the built environment with which children live in without safe places to play ner home, for example children may spend more time being inactive indoors. Likewise, heavy traffic reduces the likelihood of children’s walking and may thus keep children indoors, (sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94)

  2. #2
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    Red= delete
    Italics= my comments
    Bold= change





    What is holistic health? The concept of holistic health is not just achieving physical health and fitness but to include a wellness in all dimensions of health. holistic health is defined by Donatelleas “the ever-changing process of achieving individual potential in the physical, social, emotional, metal, environmental and spiritual dimensions”.(Donatelle, R, J. 2006, 6) The holistic health status of Australians continues to improve overall (since when? from when? from last year? define a period) and standing up (compared to) against other countries, Australia has a level or leading health status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p6) ). However (“however” is always, always followed by a comma) holistic health has yet to be experienced equally by all Australians. (Link the next sentences more clearly: try “Many factors contribute to the inequality of holistic health in Australia…”) Many factors influence whether a person in experiencing holistic health. Factors include the region you live in Australia, your culture, your lifestyle, your age, your knowledge of holistic health and social-economic situation.

    Although Australia has a population of only 21 million which is small compared to the rest of the industrialized world. Australia is a vast country made up many different living environments and regions. (The preceding two sentences can be cut into one, they are too short, and I would move them to earlier in your introduction.)

    I changed the following paragraph structure a lot to flow better

    The area that we live impacts both positively and negatively on our holistic health. Each region of Australia has its own negatives and positives but the most negatively impacted areas are the remotes areas of Australia.

    Many view living in rural Australia as a healthy lifestyle surrounded by beautiful landscapes and clean air, full of activity as appose (opposed) to Australians living in the cities surrounded by what seems like many people who are overweight and increasing smog and population levels. (where is your evidence for this statement???)

    While many Australians reside in the cities and surrounding suburbs and metropolitan areas there is still a large population living in rural and remote regions of Australia. Just under one third of Australians live in rural or remote regions. These people generally have poorer health than Australians living in urban areas (status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p23) With higher smoking populations, increased risk of alcohol abuse and poorer access to health services contributing to the lower quality of health as well as preventable cancers such as cancers associated with sun exposure (melanoma) and smoking (lung and head), cancers that are detectable through screening (cervical) (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p24) many health risks for rural Australians are preventable. (start a new sentence here) with an increased by 8% in smoking rates and males are more increase chance of alcohol abuse. While people in rural and remote areas are more likely to engage in behaviours associated with poorer health, their diet is likely to include more vegetables (AIHW 2008). (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p26). (How does this impact their holistic health? Positively? Not at all?
    (new paragraph)
    People in remote areas have limited access to health services such as medical doctors, dental health care, and psychologist, which can impact both their when, and how they get sick. (Furthermore,) living in remote areas you can also have (means) limited or no access to community services and (residents are) unable to fully participate in the six categories of social and civic participation as described by Baum. (What is the point of these categories? Why did Baum create them? As recommendations for optimal holistic health?) These six (you have to list ONLY six if you say there are six, not 15!) catergoiries include informal social participation; visiting family, friends and neighbours, formal social participation; visiting cafes and restaurants, cinemas, dances and social clubs, group social participation; sporting associations, gym and exercising classes, hobby group, support groups, individual civic participation; attending council, town meetings, attend protest meeting, group participation; political party, community action, trade union, local government, community group participation; volunteer oragistaion, school related group, attending church. (Baum, F, Palmer, C, Modra, C., Murray, C. & Bush, R., 2000, p255) (new paragraph) Remote and rural areas also have less (fewer) options for quality schools and child care centers’. (where is your evidence for this? And what does this have to do with holistic health? I could argue child care centres have nothing to do with holistic health, you need evidence) While city and suburbs communities can benefit from social interactions the design and construction of the built area can significantly inpact on their health. The way the area is built can also impact negatively on our holistic health. Not having access to proper walk ways and parks can promote sedentary lifestyles. I believe our estate housing areas that are popping up everywhere lack the planning to include walkable neighbourhoods. “Recent studies using objective measures of total physical activity have found residents of high-walkable neighbourhoods get one hour more of physical activity each week and are 2.4 times more likely to meet physical activity recommendations than residents of low- walkable nighbourhoods”(sallis, J & Glanz, K (2006, p93). So it would seem Australians living closer to the cities have an increase physical health. I believe though that rural Australians would have a better environmental health overall with less pollution in their surrounding areas and being more connected to the natural environment (Summarise the above issues a bit more in depth. I.e. it is clear from evidence that rural Australians have less opportunity for holistic health due to their isolation from services…etc)

    The race and culture of Australians also can lead to disparities in holistic health. Australia is a multicultural country with 24% of the total population born overseas and 2.5% of the population Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people. <<good topic sentence. “Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples (Indigenous Australians) experience significantly more ill health than other Australians. They typically die at much younger ages and are more likely to experience disability and reduced quality of life because of ill-health” (AIHW 2007a). a Major factor of indigenous health is 68% live in rural or remote regions of Australia with the health factors mentioned before. However(comma) Aboriginal Australians children are 5 times more likely to be breastfeeding at 12month or older and since “breastfeeding is known to have a role in maintaining the newborn’s immunity against some diseases and a protective role in preventing type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowl disease, sids, asthma and other allergic diseases and obesity (AIHW, 2005; Jones et al, 2003; WHO, 2005a) (What is the point of that sentence? Disparity in health of infants compared to child/adult Aboriginals? It seems contradictory without an explanation of how you interpret that statistic given what you say in the next sentence)The AIHW (2009) note that many Indigenous mothers have a poor health status before, during and after giving birth and this in turn affects the infant’s health. Poor diet is one contributor to this and often this is due to the inability to access quality foods such as fresh fruit and vegetables as well as clean drinking water. (Alicia Darke , EEB Forums, 27-5-10)92% of non-indigenous children in Australia are fully immunised- Indigenous children 17% less causing disparity in health(Hull, McIntyre & Couzos, 2004 cited in McMurray, 2007). I do believe that Indigenous Australians living a traditional life experience good quality spiritual and environmental health by being connected to the land (“however, most Aboriginal Australians have poor health compared to white Australians, indicating a clear racial effect on Australia wide holistic health…” << again your summarising sentence seems contradictory, you cant really conclude your opinion is overall that Aboriginals have good health when you just discussed all the disadvantages they face.)

    Many families in modern Australia today are from 2 parent working homes which mean more children in child care than ever before and for extended hours. In 2008 an estimated 760 852 children attended child care in Australia, with Fourty-five per cent (I’d use 45%) of parents who responded to a 2004 Australian Government survey said they used two or more forms of care each week (http://raisingchildren.net.au/articl...ml/context/196). Children lifestyles to have significantly changed over the last generations while many of my peers in wellness and wellbeing spending large amounts of time playing outside connecting with their friends and neighbours when they were children (this sentence needs a lot of restructing, I’d break it into two.) “I remember playing outside in the backyard most of my childhood, turning my dad’s garden shed into a cubby, the hot summers sweating but still rocking my baby to sleep in their pram. I remember making up dance routines and playing elastics and skipping or just laying down in the grass seeing what shapes we could see in the clouds” (Sarah-Beth Duke, EEB306 forums, 25-5-10) yet most children today spend large quntaties of time inside watching tv or playing computer games, while recreational behaviours such as watching tv, using computer and video games are all important parts of children lives they are also risk factors for obesity (Saelens, B., 2003, cited sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94)
    Your age can be a disparity in you achieving holistic health. Children are at advantages (couldn;t they also be at disadvantage if parents make poor choices, dont have access to health care, aren't educated, etc?) as they rely on adults to make their health choices for them. Parents decide children which day care and school they go to, teachers have control over the environment of these places. Town planners have design and control over the built environment with which children live in without safe places to play ner home, for example children may spend more time being inactive indoors. Likewise, heavy traffic reduces the likelihood of children’s walking and may thus keep children indoors (sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94).


    You need to do a spell check, enter lots of paragraph indents and write a conclusion. When you reference, the full stop goes at the end of the last parentheses. Your intro is quite good. It’s a good draft all up.
    Last edited by Lilahh; 03-06-2010 at 11:42.

  3. #3
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    Thanks soo much

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    Looks like you ave done a good job.
    You should though delete the post and get Lilahh to delete hers as you wouldn't want someone to steal it and you get caught for plagiarism.

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    NP. If you get time before its due you can post your next draft and Ill have another look to spot any final touchups.

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    good work Lilahh. I love marking assignments .

    Lisamd, did you need to use APA style referencing or is it a different method?

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    Yes it's apa method of refrence

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    I just got home so I'll try to repost

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    Mods can you delete my first post and lilahh's quoted post
    thanks
    I just handed my essay in yay thanks ladies

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    Default editing

    hi is this editing for free?




    Quote Originally Posted by Little-Pink-Hen View Post
    im posting my essay here for some helpful feedback not its LOOONG and not finished
    Improvements in the holistic health status of Australians have not been experienced uniformly by all people. In your opinion, what factors do you think may contribute to health disparities (i.e., in different regions of Australia, differing races, cultures, gender, socio-economic status, etc.)? Explain the factors and support your ideas with references to your subject content and readings. What actions may be taken by early childhood centres (with cooperation from allied health providers) to reduce these disparities for the children, staff and families? Some considerations could be programs, curriculum, environments, policies and individual and community actions.
    What is holistic health? The concept of holistic health is not just achieving physical health and fitness but to include a wellness in all dimensions of health. holistic health is defined by Donatelle as “the ever-changing process of achieving individual potential in the physical, social, emotional, metal, environmental and spiritual dimensions”.(Donatelle, R, J. 2006, 6) The holistic health status of Australians continues to improve overall and standing up against other countries Australia has a level or leading health status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p6) ). However holistic health has yet to be experienced equally by all Australians. Many factors influence whether a person in experiencing holistic health. Factors include the region you live in Australia, your culture, your lifestyle, your age, your knowledge of holistic health and social-economic situation
    Although Australia has a population of only 21 million which is small compared to the rest of the industrialized world. Australia is a vast country made up many different living environments and regions. While many Australians reside in the cities and surrounding suburbs and metropolitan areas there is still a large population living in rural and remote regions of Australia. The area that we live impacts both positively and negatively on our holistic health. Each region of Australia has its own negatives and positives but the most negatively impacted areas are the remotes areas of Australia. Many view living in rural Australia as a healthy lifestyle surrounded by beautiful landscapes and clean air, full of activity as appose to Australians living in the cities surrounded by what seems like many people who are overweight and increasing smog and population levels. Just under one third of Australians live in rural or remote regions. These people generally have poorer health than Australians living in urban areas (status (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p23) With higher smoking populations and poorer access to health services contributing to the lower quality of health as well as preventable cancers such as cancers associated with sun exposure (melanoma) and smoking (lung and head) cancers that are detectable through screening (cervical) (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p24) many health risk for rural Australians are preventable, with an increased by 8% in smoking rates and males are more increase chance of alcohol abuse. While people in rural and remote areas are more likely to engage in behaviours associated with poorer health, their diet is likely to include more vegetables (AIHW 2008). (Australian Institute of Health and Welfare, Australia's Health 2008, p26). People in remote areas have limited access to health services such as medical doctors, dental health care, and psychologist, which can impact both their when, and how they get sick. Living in remote areas you can also have limited or no access to community services and unable to fully participate in the six categories of social and civic participation as described by Baum. These six catergoiries include informal social participation; visiting family, friends and neighbours, formal social participation; visiting cafes and restaurants, cinemas, dances and social clubs, group social participation; sporting associations, gym and exercising classes, hobby group, support groups, individual civic participation; attending council, town meetings, attend protest meeting, group participation; political party, community action, trade union, local government, community group participation; volunteer oragistaion, school related group, attending church. (Baum, F, Palmer, C, Modra, C., Murray, C. & Bush, R., 2000, p255) Remote and rural areas also have less options for quality schools and child care centers’. While city and suburbs communities can benefit from social interactions the design and construction of the built area can significantly inpact on their health. The way the area is built can also impact negatively on our holistic health. Not having access to proper walk ways and parks can promote sedentary lifestyles. I believe our estate housing areas that are popping up everywhere lack the planning to include walkable neighbourhoods. “Recent studies using objective measures of total physical activity have found residents of high-walkable neighbourhoods get one hour more of physical activity each week and are 2.4 times more likely to meet physical activity recommendations than residents of low- walkable nighbourhoods”(sallis, J & Glanz, K (2006, p93). So it would seem Australians living closer to the cities have an increase physical health. I believe though that rural Australians would have a better environmental health overall with less pollution in their surrounding areas and being more connected to the natural environment
    The race and culture of Australians also can lead to disparities in holistic health. Australia is a multicultural country with 24% of the total population born overseas and 2.5% of the population Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander people. “Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples (Indigenous Australians) experience significantly more ill health than other Australians. They typically die at much younger ages and are more likely to experience disability and reduced quality of life because of ill-health” (AIHW 2007a). a Major factor of indigenous health is 68% live in rural or remote regions of Australia with the health factors mentioned before. However Aboriginal Australians children are 5 times more likely to be breastfeeding at 12month or older and since “breastfeeding is known to have a role in maintaining the newborn’s immunity against some diseases and a protective role in preventing type 1 diabetes, inflammatory bowl disease, sids, asthma and other allergic diseases and obesity (AIHW, 2005; Jones et al, 2003; WHO, 2005a) The AIHW (2009) note that many Indigenous mothers have a poor health status before, during and after giving birth and this in turn affects the infant’s health. Poor diet is one contributor to this and often this is due to the inability to access quality foods such as fresh fruit and vegetables as well as clean drinking water. (Alicia Darke , EEB Forums, 27-5-10)92% of non-indigenous children in Australia are fully immunised- Indigenous children 17% less causing disparity in health.(Hull, McIntyre & Couzos, 2004 cited in McMurray (2007) I do believe that Indigenous Australians living a traditional life experience good quality spiritual and environmental health by being connected to the land.
    Many families in modern Australia today are from 2 parent working homes which mean more children in child care than ever before and for extended hours. In 2008 an estimated 760 852 children attended child care in Australia, with Fourty-five per cent of parents who responded to a 2004 Australian Government survey said they used two or more forms of care each week (http://raisingchildren.net.au/articl...ml/context/196). Children lifestyles to have significantly change over the last generations while many of my peers in wellness and wellbeing spending large amounts of time playing outside connecting with their friends and neighbours when they were children “I remember playing outside in the backyard most of my childhood, turning my dad’s garden shed into a cubby, the hot summers sweating but still rocking my baby to sleep in their pram. I remember making up dance routines and playing elastics and skipping or just laying down in the grass seeing what shapes we could see in the clouds” (Sarah-Beth Duke, EEB306 forums, 25-5-10) yet most children today spend large quntaties of time inside watching tv or playing computer games, while recreational behaviours such as watching tv, using computer and video games are all important parts of children lives they are also risk factors for obesity (Saelens, B., 2003, cited sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94)
    Your age can be a disparity in you achieving holistic health. Children are at advantages as they rely on adults to make their health choices for them. Parents decide children which day care and school they go to, teachers have control over the environment of these places. Town planners have design and control over the built environment with which children live in without safe places to play ner home, for example children may spend more time being inactive indoors. Likewise, heavy traffic reduces the likelihood of children’s walking and may thus keep children indoors, (sallis, J., & Glanz, K., 2006, p94)


 

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