I want another Daughter !!!

**MotherOf2Or3** · 25-08-2005 15:21

I�m a mother of 2, a 3.5 years old daughter and a 1 year old son. I�ve always wished I could have a nice, loving relationship with my one and only sibling - a brother, most of you might agree with me that a brother and sister will never be as close as sisters (please tell me that I�m wrong!

). I�m always reaching out to my brother but he�s very quiet and keeps to himself all the time and doesn�t want to have anything to do with me, as a result I feel hurt and alone

. This is also the reason I like to have girls only, by having a son, not only do I fear that my daughter will go through what I�m going through with my brother, but as a mum I feel that once again I will also be hurt by my own son due to the lack of emotional contact ... I�m now faced with a decision whether to have another child or not � hopefully a girl so that my daughter can experience the joy of sisterhood

.

**Aprilsmum** · 25-08-2005 18:02

I don't beleive that boys are born to be "emotionally disconnected" (for lack of a better word), I think that it has alot to do with society and the way that we raise little boys/men. I agree with you that sisters have a special bond, and I also think that brothers also share a special bond too. Maybe it has something to do with being able to relate with each other or something

.

Sorry I couldn't offer any advice, but I think that if you show your son love affection, he will also respond to you with love and affection. I think that children watch and learn from us.

Hope this all makes sense, and I'm sure that you'll make the right decision for your family.

Bess

**Nickster** · 25-08-2005 18:13

I think life has a way of teaching us lessons, and perhaps the hurt you feel about the disconnected relationship you have with your brother is something that will heal through raising your own boy(s) and girl(s) and being there to guide them into loving parental and sibling relationships. You are obviously concerned about this, and that in itself says to me that you will do your best to ensure this. And that's about all you can do as a parent.
I myself have a brother, my only sibling, and although we don't go clothes shopping together or get manicures (!) he has been there for me and helped me in ways nobody else could. When it comes down to it, for us it's about family and love and loyalty, and gender has nothing to do with it.
I hope you don't mind my plain speaking, I wish you all the best, and would love to know what you decide!

**nemosmum** · 25-08-2005 20:02

I agree totally, I have two sisters and a brother and although I love them all I have to say I am closer to my sisters (alot closer). My brother is very distant emotionally and has been since hitting puberty- I think its strange how mothers (who are all warmth and love and full of emotions) can raise sons, who turn out to be so disconnected with their feelings(I know this is not all men but lets be real most men fit into that catergory). I wonder where we're all going wrong

I mean my brother was such a sweet, loving little boy-very affectionate and responsive (when us girls would cry, he would cry out of sympathy)Then all of a sudden puberty set in and he turned into an emotional cripple.

Sorry thats totally off the thread.....

My DH and his brother have a very strong bond but I think its on a very different level(which is fine) to the way I bond with my sisters. I feel for your situation as I would love my son(and any other children we might have

) to experience the kind of relationships I have with my sisters.

**wattle** · 25-08-2005 20:20

I think it depends on the individuals, not the sex of the siblings as to how close they are.

I only have one sister, and our relationship is truly horrible. I wish she and I were close, but we never have been, she has always been so jealous of me for some wierd reason that I don't know.

She can't have children and wants nothing to do with me because I now have a family and she can't. I don't understand this - she won't even look at a photo of her little nephew. I really wish things were different and that we could be there for eachother like siblings should, but it doesn't seem like it will ever be like that. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 years now!

So I guess there's never any guarantee that your kids will enjoy eachothers company, no matter how many you have.

Geez, that was a bit depressing. Perhaps your two will just love eachother for who they are and have a wonderful relationship. I hope so.

**MotherOf2Or3** · 25-08-2005 22:04

There isn't a single waking moment when I don't think about the pros and cons of having another one since having my second child, no matter how much I think about it, my decision making can only be based on what I know, how I feel and basically my own experience. Everyone who has reply so far has each given me a brand new insight into my situation, and these comments are most valuable to me, thank you all for not just listening to my problems but to give me such priceless advice

. Yes, I'm very concerned about whether my daughter will feel the same as I do when she grows up, but I never thought that I could have much contribution towards fostering a close relationship between my children, for most of my life I've been trying so hard to get close to my own brother but to no avail, I feel emotionally tired and should have given up trying long ago, instead I should spend my energy on my children to help them love each other, maybe this is my calling in life

Nicole, thank you so much for your comment, you've provided me with such a fresh angle on things. Orlandosmum, thank you for sympathising with me and validating on my thoughts, sometimes I think those males who are emotionally disconnected are the bigger victims

, that's only from our point of view of course, they on the other hand just wouldn't think that way. And Kathy, your reply just breaks my heart, I feel for you that you aren't experiencing the joy of sisterhood, I thank you from the bottom of my heart to share your experience with me, your advice is priceless and so valuable to me, it shows the insignificance of sex when it comes to connection, I really have a lot ot think about. Thank you everyone again for your time, help and advice!!

**our little treasures** · 25-08-2005 23:31

I was one of five and I had four brothers, I am very close to two and close to the other two. Although I wish I had a sis I also feel that it depends on the personalities. My dh and his 15yr old sis are great friends where his two older sisters who are only 15mnths apart hate each other.
Oh and if you have another and its a boy your dd will be fine, she will be watched over and very special as she is the "only girl".

**Mumof3Princesses** · 27-08-2005 13:58

I may be a bit late giving my two cents worth but I will anyway!

I had two younger brothers growing up - one 20months younger the other five years. They are the most different people you could ever meet and I have different relationships with the both of them. They really don't get on at all. They may joke around occasionally, but when it comes down to serious stuff, they are like chalk and cheese. I did beg my parents to give me a baby sister until I turned 18 when I told them it was too late cause it would only be a few years till I had my own children (who did arrive within three years!).

Looking back, in one way I was glad to be an only daughter because I was made to feel special and do have a bond with my parents. I probably would have turned into a selfish cow and been jealous of a sister.

Now, I have three daughters (go figure!) and I can only dream that they remain the best of friends throughout their lives.

Whatever the gender of your next child may be is irrelevant. It is how you guide them through life and teach them to respect others that will be your legacy.

Good Luck!

**ThomasMum** · 27-08-2005 15:09

Originally Posted by Mumof3Princesses

Whatever the gender of your next child may be is irrelevant. It is how you guide them through life and teach them to respect others that will be your legacy.

Good Luck!

I�m with you all the way mumof3princesess!

My DH came from a very close & loving family where his mum/dad are always there for him, love is the main answer for their problems, hugs and saying �I love yous� are important for them and look at him now, he turns out to be most wonderful loving husband and father!
He has a great r�ship with his only younger sister and he�s very much �connected� with his feelings. Meanwhile I�m from the opposite, not-so-connected family; my dad was too busy with his world (he�s an Ob/Gyn) who had traveled all over the world because of his job he hardly had any time for us and although mum was showering us with her warmth and love but the absence of my old man had created a sense of distance within our family. My relationships with my older sis or older brothers are just OK.

But I�m not going to let my not-so-warm childhood to ruin my future. Especially for my son�s sake. Genders are irrelevant for us. We love our son very much because he�s our Thomas.

You can choose to keep those growing up memories good or bad with you, but don�t overcast the future of your children relationship with their siblings based on your bad experience. Let them be the judge for that, but guide them with your love�
Gender is not the issue; the way we brought up is the most vital part to make us who we are today.

Good Luck and enjoy parenthood

Love & Peace

ML

Enclosed the poem of Kahlil Gibran�s about Children�

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in you dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward not tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

**MotherOf2Or3** · 27-08-2005 21:08

I'm so grateful of everyone's wise advice, and all the different kinds of relationship that people have had with their siblings are convincing me that gender doesn't matter, all the examples given by anglebaby8, Mumof 3Princesses and ThomasMum are excellent and have opened up a whole new world to me. I only know my own childhood and by sharing your stories I have all of a sudden gained so much more valueable knowledge!!

And the poem ThomasMum attached is such a beautiful piece of work, written with such passion and depth that it makes everything so clear as it speaks of the simple truth and dissipates my worries in an instant. My sincere thank you to all!!!