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  1. #1
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    Default Who can I trust? (Long)

    *Mods feel free to move if this should be elsewhere*

    Ok, just to let you know I am a regular BH member, but due to the nature of this thread I'd prefer anonymity.

    A few years ago, DP's sister (we'll call her SIL), who is a heroin addict confided in my mum that she had been raped as a child. She claims that it happened at the hands of FIL. This admission came while she was in a drug affected state, and when mum left her to sleep it off, she left, taking with her mum's mobile phone and watch. We have had no contact with her since.

    When I mentioned it to DP, he dropped a bombshell, saying that he had been raped as a 3 year old, by his mum's boyfriend at the time. DP's mum is also a drug addict and he's had no contact with her since childhood, he was raised by his grandparents while his dad lived downstairs.

    SIL remained in the custody of their mother, and she is the one who introduced SIL to heroin, at around 13 years old. DP was also molested by his older half brother, who mostly lived with SIL, and their mother.

    SIL had regular visits with their father. DP thinks that SIL must be confused about who assaulted her, or that she was making it up to get sympathy.


    Now my concern is- Do I trust FIL around my 18 month old DD? He and his new wife have been pushing to babysit, and I don't know that I can trust him?

    Another thing concerning me- DP last night said to me that he doesn't think he loves DD
    He acknowledged that he is very messed up, and that he's aware that the reason he doesn't love her is because of his childhood, but he said he doesn't want to think about the real reason. I suggested we go through counselling, but he refuses.

    Playing on the back of my mind is also the statistics in regards to abused becoming abusers- I sometimes wonder if DP is capable of such a thing.

    If you've read through this, thanks. Even if nobody has any advice or thoughts, it feels good just typing it and getting it out of my mind and on paper!

  2. #2
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    no advice, but i couldn't read this and not respond

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    that is all really confusing for you and I think you can't do anything but get some professional assistance to make sense of the whole history and dynamic. I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone tbh. But I think with some professional counselling you could tease it all out.

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    what a difficult situation.

    OK most people who are abused as children DO NOT go on to be abusers. But many abusers were abused as children if that makes sense.

    Personally no, I would not be letting FIL babysitat least not unsupervised given what your SIL disclosed. It may well be that she was confused and got it wrong, but often women who are in one abusive relationship find themselves in others. Paedophiles pray on vulnerable women and their children. I would want to dig a bit deeper before leaving my baby in his care.

    As for your DP not loving DD, I'm really not sure what to say, but it sounds like he really really needs some help to deal with his childhood trauma.

    again.

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    Thanks for your replies.

    I guess my best bet is trying to support DP and encourage him to get some help, or some closure. He has just started to talk about the abuse more openly, writing songs about what happened, and I think that it's a good thing that he can talk about it.

    DP's never really been able to depend on anyone, his parents both pretty much abandoned him (his dad got remarried and moved out of his grandparents house, leaving him behind) when he was 8. I asked if he was worried to get attached to DD and she'd be taken away, he kind of nodded then changed the subject.

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    I would be very iffy on letting fil have her for me the risk would be too high iykwim.
    I would maby ask him about it, it's a chance to clear the air and hear his side.
    I would def try and get dp some sort of help talking to someone is a fantastic idea.
    Good luck what a very sticky situation.

  8. #8
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    I stick very close to my kids, I don't let hardly any people babysit, I think it is a great protective instinct you have there.

    I think counselling would be a great idea for you... I hope you can sort some stuff out.

    Take care.

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    Hi,

    If your DP has never had counselling, you need to keep supporting him and suggesting he goes. I have seen and heard what happens to kids when they are molested (used to work in Child Protection agency) and as you have found out, it's not pretty and has very long term effects on the child. But yes, the fact that he is talking about it now is a very good sign. It must have been very hard for him to have bottled it up all those years, and I'm guessing that even if his Mum knew about it, he got no support from her.

    I would say that if he was abused my Mums BF and not Dad, then there is a fair chance that SIL was confused, BUT, what if she wasn't?

    Do you get a feeling off the FIL? There would be indicators, even if they are subtle. Most paedophiles prey on easy targets. A lonely woman with the child type they like is a prime target, and others snatch kids. From what you have said, I don't think FIL fits that criteria, but it's hard to know from a paragraph or two.

    I like the suggestion of talking to him about it, if you feel comfortable doing so. His reaction should tell you a lot. But if you're not comfortable or uneasy, don't do it.

    As for your DP, it's probably unlikely, but again you never know.

    The best thing we can do as parents is to:

    Teach your kids their body is their own, and that no-one should touch their private parts, and that if someone does, they should tell you. Even if they were told not to or something bad would happen.

    Teach them about stranger danger, but also be aware that it can be someone close to you - whether it be a family member, teacher, priest. Yes it's a generalisation, but paedophiles will often prey on vulnerable women with kids through friendship/relationship to get to the kids and they also have a great knack for getting jobs which give them access to our kids.

    Teach your children the correct names of their privates. It might be cute to call it by a nickname, but what about this true scenario - a 4yo was taught her vagina was called a "daisy." At daycare, she kept telling the staff that her Uncle was playing with her daisy. This didn't really mean anything to them, but then after a while, the penny dropped. So the abuse when on for a lot longer than if she had been saying "my uncle is playing with my vagina." Vagina/Vulva and Penis are not dirty words!

    Believe your kids if they tell you someone touched/hurt/whatever them. Young kids especially don't know enough about sex to make this stuff up.

    If you child suddenly becomes withdrawn, it can be a sign of abuse.

    If your child starts being overtly sexual, it can be a sign of abuse.

    Don't think it won't happen because you live in a small town.

    Most of all, be aware, be vigilant and trust your instincts. If you think something is wrong, it most likely is.

    Good luck, and if you ever want to PM me, feel free.

  10. #10
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    [QUOTE=kar;4577588]
    often women who are in one abusive relationship find themselves in others. /QUOTE]

    I was thinking this also. There has been a lot of abuse going on in DPs family and it is often a continuing cycle. He has been through a very traumatic childhood and while its probably very unlikely he would ever hurt his DD, you need to be very wary of the signs. Most paedophiles offend because they are hurting and want to transfer some of it to someone else. If he says he won't go to counselling, try and get him to just commit to one visit. He may actually like it.

    You cannot tell who is a paedophile by their personality or the way they look-I have worked in the corrections system and most of them are well behaved, well groomed, and well spoken. I would have had no clue what they were in for had I not read their charts. Also, so many slip through the legal system or are never accused that people don't realize how many are really out there.

    Don't let FIL babysit, even if his new wife is there. If they keep pushing it maybe say "why don't you come over and play with her in the yard while DP and I work on some gardening" or something similar. Or just say, "I'm one of those funny people that wants to be with my kids all the time, we don't go out much without her."

    Yes you risk offending him, but protecting your DD is your first priority and if you have even the slightest reason to suspect he could have abused someone you should never leave her with him.


 

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