Help with troubled 15yo - Kinda long -

[blooper]

Hi,

Me and DH are about to become the legal gaurdians of a family friends 15 year old son.



Just some background info: His mother died giving birth to him and his father went into a sort of depression afterwards and sent him to live with her sister and husband in Russa, where he lived up into early last year when she died of breast cancer. Last year he started living with his father and his stepmother, who is prone to violent mood swings - Can be the model citizen one moment and screaming and hitting the next. Well last year he was expelled from his school for withholding speech ( Im talking for months here) and after months of fighting with SM and developing a cutting problem, has been asked to find another place to live or attend boarding school. I peronally don't believe he is stable enough to attend boarding school, as I know how hard it can be, so have offered for him to come and stay with us.


So I was just wondering if anyone here has any advice for me regarding rules and stuff, the closest we have ever done to anything like this is taking in DH 10 year old brother for a few months which I think is a bit different.

Thanks

[Oblena]

don't know about the rules etc sorry, but that boys needs serious counselling. Taking him in and being nice is not going to cut it.

He has had two mothers die on him and a third be a cow, and has been 'rejected' by his father when he was a baby and now his second male role model after the aunty died. Then his father has 'rejected' him again.

He probably has culture shock as well as depressive issues because of the grief, loneliness etc. Cutting is the least of your problems.

If you tajke him, and find out about al lthe rules etc, you are going to have to do it long term and take it for better or worse. Seek some advice / help from a psychologist before you go any further as this is big.

[biscotti]

Oh that poor child
What a sad start to life he has had

I agree with the PP, you need to seek professional help for him.

[Josh]

This is a tricky situation for you, I have some tips.
1, give this boy a lot of attention and love
2, set rules and curfews tell him he has to be home by a certain time.
3, try to start his life over again from scratch, he has been through a lot and this will take time, he may hibernate and not want to see anyone or talk to anyone, give him this space, but reassure him that you are not going anywhere and you will be there if he needs you, maybe see if he is interested in something such as footy/cricket and pursue that, I know what it is like I have a very rebellious 14 yr old son and with my encouragement he a top footy player and has won 15 trophys so far, my remedy was just to be there for him side by side with any difficulties that arose from his past stupidity we worked through it together, it was bloody hard work and I have 10 other children but everything is going along smoothly for us ATM, and it will for you too. You can PM if you have any more teenage questions

[delirium]

Wow, that poor kid. The functions of cutting are several but the main ones are punishment, and a release from the emotional pain they are experiencing by physically hurting themselves. It can also be about letting people know they are not ok.

I would suggest you set out ground rules that when he feels like cutting he comes to you or your partner. I would also discuss things with him that relieve stress and anxiety for him. It might be kicking a football around, having a bath, talking to someone he cares about, writing in a diary. You have to reprogram his outlet for his feelings.

Good on you for being there for him. It sounds like he really needs you. I have a good book called Cutting: Understanding and overcoming self-mutilation by Steven Levenkron. Your library may have it and it might be a good resource to have in your house.