help having probs with the DH

**alexandra** · 02-08-2006 01:12

I'm going to ask for help here because there's noone I can talk to about this. I feel my DH is not interested in me. This has been going on for more than 2 years. I love him to death and it hurts that he always rejects me with excuses when I try to initiate intercourse. I understand that his libido may not match mine but he doesn't want to try to compromise. He's quite happy not having intercourse ever. Since we got married 4 years ago he has probably initiated things in bed 3 times, it's always been me doing it. And now that i've stopped initiating things to see what happens we havent held hands or kissed for more than a ten days it's really upsetting me. I cry about it most nights when he is asleep. I've tried talking to him but he says that it's all in my head and he always has a new excuse. I love him so much but he treats me like his best friend. I don't know what to do. I've tried so many things and i'm really hurt i keep blaming myself. Please someone help any thoughts?

**SammieSnail** · 02-08-2006 01:36

Sorry Alexandra, I don't think I have anything to say of much help.....
but don't blame yourself, it is not your 'fault'

My situation is the complete opposite - I'm the one shying away from intimacy while DH is always the one initiating it.....
Recently I've been using the 'I'm pregnant and uncomfortable' excuse....and it is usually quite valid but I know there is something else going on....because like DH says, it was going on for a few months before we even knew I was pregnant....

lol in the daylight hours I would probably make more sense....

DH has also stopped initiating intimacy lately to see if I'll step up to the plate so to speak.....but to tell you the truth the days go by and I just see how much further I can stretch it IYKWIM.
We still hug and kiss etc but sometimes I also avoid that because I know it will lead somewhere else...

Have to

Will jump on tomorrow and see if I can add something constructive.

**alexandra** · 02-08-2006 11:10

please girls any answers??

**mum_2_5** · 02-08-2006 11:16

Have you tried putting on some sexy ligerie? or light the room up with candles, make everything all romantic.

I don't know other than talking to him. I will try to think of some other things.

**Little_Toad** · 02-08-2006 11:18

WHen I first started dating my DP, we used to have "playtime about 3 times a week".

I would want to pounce him more often and felt he wasn't attracted to me cause with my two previous partners we had playtime at least 7 times a week.
I would get quite upset he didnt wan't to play with me then after a while of feeling frustrated I had a chat with him. Turns out he's ALWAYs been a 3 times a week kind of guy.. and I learnt to understand it was him not me. Now I'm very happy with our frequency.

Perhaps it is something to do with DH and not you.. might be good to have a chat with him when you aren't feeling emotional.. away from the bedroom too. Be sympathetic to his feelings and ask him to explain to you if it's a problem with "the two of you" or if he just hasn't got a high labido.. or anything else. Let him know calmly that it hurts your feelings when you are rejected and you could possibly understand his behaviour if he explained why this is happening. He may have some serious issues he is too embaressed to bring up with you.

Tell him you fnd him sexually attractive still and are willing to help him through any problems. Also ask if he would be willing to try therapy if his situation needs it.

Also remember, your DP isn't 21 anymore.

**alexandra** · 02-08-2006 11:25

I have, that's why I'm desperate. I've done all the romantic nights, massages with beautiful oils, beautiful lingerie. Long shower before it, hair done, waxing done. I mean i looked better than when we were dating. We've talked about it many times, and the excuses just keep coming He's tired, headache, doesn't feel like it, has things on his mind, doesn't want to wake up the baby who is still in our room, has to get up early.
We argue about it every couple of months, the last time was in may. He always says he is going make an effort but he never does.
I'm really upset

Thing is we've been married for 4 years and when we were dating he wanted to do it all the time, so things have changed a lot. It's not like his libido was always low. He said there is nothing wrong.
He tells me there's absolutely no reason to go to the gp because he knows everything is fine and he just doesn't feel like it. Told me to leave him alone.

**Little_Toad** · 02-08-2006 11:29

Don't want to be shocking or anything.. but could he be gay? That's always a possiblity.
Lots of men get married because they are trying to deny their homosexuality, plus they really want children.

**alexandra** · 02-08-2006 11:32

No, the gay thing is definitely one that is out of the question. Perhaps the only one i'm sure of. He can't stand them.

**BJelly** · 02-08-2006 11:41

Hi alexandra,

My DH also has poor libido - he has a medical condition, so I tend to blame that as the cause. However it wasn't always that way - when we first got together, we'd do it all the time, but over the years it's become quite bad. He assures me he's attracted to me and luckily for me he is verbally and physically affectionate.

I am always the one to initiate things. It used to really get me down - after all men are supposed to want it all the time - we're supposed to be the ones beating them off with a stick.

I also tried to spice things up, but my DH found that too intimidating. I had to back off.

When I had my DD my libido did a nose dive so I was happy that DH's libido was similar. He seems to be able to get in the mood when we are trying to make babies, so after we have number 2, which will be our last, it will be interesting to see if we get much of a sex life again.

I dont' have any real answers unfortunately, but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

***~alegna~*** · 02-08-2006 11:47

Hey there...you poor thing

It is a terrible thing to feel unwanted especially from the one person that is supposed to be besotted.

If oyu know that you are doing everything in your power to better the situation, then thats all you can do apart from, councelling.

Have you expressed to him FULLY how you feel? Exacting HOW MUCH this is hurting you?.......

The only other thing I can think off, which no one wants to think about..but...is he a faithful man?

.....feel free to PM if you wanna chat. I have also been married for nearly 4 yrs

Lots of Love

Ang x