Not coping

[tassiegirl]

Hi all

I'm 23 years old and this will be my first bub.

I've struggled with major depression for years now, and have been managing to hold it together these past 6 months I've been off my meds, but now I'm starting to lose it in a big way.

The fiance and I are that heavily in debt that we're struggling as it is, with my $630pw after tax and his $450pw after tax. But we just have that much debt that we're only JUST scraping by as is. And that's before we have to start paying back a loan of $20k next month - which the payments are $200pw on. And then I'm going on unpaid leave... Put it simply, we're screwed.

Things at work have gone down the toilet. My boss is an a**hole who wants to have a "talk" now. I think it's because I've had to take a few sick days in the last few weeks - first with gastro, now with tonsilitis - and because I think he thinks I should still be able to do the physically demanding work like the previous manager did during her pregnancy. He expects the rest of us to keep the shop going, yet he's barely been there the last few weeks and does bugger all when he is there. I want to report him to the Area Manager, but I'm too scared to. I really want to resign, but because of all our debt I can't afford to, even though my job's causing me that much stress. And if I take any extra time off, to go see a psychologist or something, you can bet I'll get given grief over that too.

AND THEN last weekend, after a few too many drinks, the fiance got himself arrested for disobeying a direct police order. Just a misdemeanor, but still.

I just can't cope with it all anymore. Fiance doesn't seem to be doing much to try to improve our situation, even though opportunities are there for him and he's got this negative geared business idea to pay off loans, yet he still hasn't written a proposal to take to the banks. I can't take the stress at work and yet we can't afford for me to leave. Add in all the other day to day stuff and it's all too much.

I'm starting to get rather suicidal. Trying not to think about it, but I keep thinking if I do it after bub's been born - at least he/she will have a father and relatives to look after it. It's a really horrible idea, but at the moment it's stopping me from doing anything now.

I didn't think it'd get this bad. I thought that maybe the fiance would get motivated to be the bread-winner and support me and bub. I though I could cope with work. But none of that's happening, and I just can't deal. If I'm not coping now, how much worse is it going to be with a baby too? Cos the likelihood is that I'll get post-natal depression - though I don't see how it can be much worse than what I'm going through now.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm at the end of my tether and I can't see any options. I need help, and yet I'll be penalised at work for doing so. I need my man to be supportive - financially as well as emotionally - and it doesn't seem to be happening. I just want out of my life.

[kayla Lilyz mum]

I'm s sorry your going through all of this hun.

Its a tough situation, but at the end of the day your baby needs YOU not the relatives to bring him or her up.

I know you say you can't take time off for a counsellor, but are u able to visit your doctor and speak with him, they may be able to help you with counselling in the evening and something that doesn't cost much.

Take care hun.