When does the punishment stop?....

[Deserama]

Been talking to someone very close to me about how her husband has been raping her in her sleep...and possibly drugging her as well.

I want to support her in any way I can. And it needs to be led by her. I'm having a very hard time though...and I'm torn between two very valid opinions.

Obviously I'm putting the idea of reporting the rapes forward to her. It's not been taken very well though (which is ok) but I need help in understanding her mind set.

She says she doesn't want to report it because of the trauma it would cause her and her family (understandable). And she feels that it's unfair because she will continue to be punished for this man's actions no matter what she does. If she reports it, she loses. If she doesn't, she still loses anyway, because she's already been violated.

Another reason for her hesitation is that she cares enough about her husband (not love) to not want him to go to prison. She doesn't feel that it would be a good place for him and it wouldn't do any good anyway...would just destroy his life.

When I mention the freedom he will have now, to hurt other women he might hook up with, she shakes her head and says she can't think about some imaginary woman that may or maynot exist in the future, and that her only thoughts are for her own mental health and her family's well being.

I'm having a hard time with this because I can see both sides. She's right! The turmoil that will be caused by a long drawn out case, if she reports it....how her life will be pulled apart and hung up for the world to see...her shame...her children's shame etc But I know I'm right too in that he could hurt other women he feels he has 'possession' of.

So my question is....is reporting things like rape and abuse etc really that theaputic for the victim in the long run? What do they gain from this apart from the shame and humiliation? And does justice really help in the grand scheme of things? (for the victim)

[flyawayfree]

I would be concerned about the children, and although she may not see him that way it is where my mind instantly went.

I have no advice but I just wanted to say that.

[SuperGranny]

hi deserama, what a terrible situation, for you and your friend. How long has this behaviour been going on?? has she been living with this abuse for all the time with this 'man/animal' ?? I feel so sad for her. I wonder would you be helped by some advice from one of the domestic violence support groups?? They have people who have been through the court proceedings, and would perhaps be in the best postion to give advice. I hate to think of this poor woman living like that for the rest of her life, or for any other woman who comes into a relationship with him. He is disgusting, beneath contempt. best wishes, Marie.

[Hootenanny]

What a horrible situation for her, is she still with him? I think situations like these are not entirely cut and paste, I do think abusers should be stopped and punished but don't know what I would do. One of my first thoughts was does she have children/daughters because there is no way in hell I would want someone like him having access to them in the future. I also wonder if he is doing this to other women, or does in the future, if she reports him it may help police catch/convict him in the future.
If she is still with him I would firstly be trying to get her to a hospital to test for traces of drugs and take it from there. Hugs to you and your friend

[Amara]

All I can tell you is that when a family member went to the police about a sexual crime that happened years before it resulted in the suicide of the perpetrator, huge anguish for all the extended family and the person who reported it ended up estranged from the family and still is a decade later. So in that case no one benefited from it going public except I guess he was not around to reoffend.

[Chunkydunks]

I think talking to a counsellor would be very helpful for her. If you can convince her to do that you would be doing the best thing possible for her.

[bronny-jane]

the shame... why does everyone else wear it but the abuser...

heres a line a heard recently.... its time to shatter the shame

she has done nothing wrong, the children have done nothing wrong... the perpetrator is the only one who is responsible here...

[CrankyAndTired]

the shame... why does everyone else wear it but the abuser...

heres a line a heard recently.... its time to shatter the shame

she has done nothing wrong, the children have done nothing wrong... the perpetrator is the only one who is responsible here...

I agree.. I dont have much advice but huge hugs honey..

[Tam-I-Am]

Honestly, Des - I work with a LOT of women who have been sexually assaulted, and abused in all manners, by their so-called 'partners', and mostly they get VERY LITTLE from the 'justice' system.

For a start, in your friend's case, it would be her word against his. There's no longer any physical evidence, there are probably no medical or police reports, and most of their friends and social network are unlikely to believe her. She's likely to be shunned and ostracised by all bar a very few.

Then, she'd have to make detailed reports to the police. Probably to male police officers, who can be less-than-helpful or empathic. This process in itself can be quite traumatic. At that point, she's likely (based on the information you've given) to be told that as it's a 'he said/she said' situation, that there's nothing they can do. If, by some miracle, they DO take it to the police prosecutors, they still have to go through a lengthy and time-consuming court process, where at the end of it, she's got about a 10% chance of having him convicted. And even THEN he isn't likely to go to prison.

Mostly, what rape victims get out of the above process is a huge amount of stress, a great deal of mistrust in the police and the justice system, the loss of their support systems, and a whole new level of trauma.

Sometimes it doesn't go like that, but usually the ones that it goes 'well' for are what are seen to be truly 'innocent' rape victims - the victims of rapes that were walking down a normal suburban street in broad daylight wearing modest clothing and were attacked by a stranger with no provocation. Anybody else, they're especially if they've recently left their partners, they're seen to be vindictive b!tches who must have wanted it and then gotten embarrassed, or who want to get back at their exes.

I can ABSOLUTELY see why she doesn't want to go through it all. Mind you, I'd absolutely support her in doing so if she DID want to, too.

It's also worth noting that she doesn't have to have a conviction, or even have him charged, to access counselling under Victims of Crime legislation in most parts of Australia. Get her to talk to a personal injury solicitor (they mostly do first appointments for free) and see if they'll help her lodge a VoC claim. It won't cost her anything to do so, the tab is picked up by the Department of Justice.

[c38]

I'm so sorry your friend is going through this.
Unfortunately this is part of the power that these animals have over their victoms. Making the victom feel that they are somehow to blame and should feel shame for the horriffic acts that are commited against them. Reassure her that you believe her and in her, and that there is NO shame on her part or that of her children for his horrific acts. That the only person who should feel any shame is him.


Is she at least going to leave him??

I agree some counselling from a Sexual Assault Support Group would be of great benefit to her if she will agree to it. Reassure her they will not try to talk her into charging him if that is not her wish. However, they can help her sort through her feelings and fears, and make positive choices to move forward with her life.

They can also support her in getting a medical exam and documentation and gathering of information/evidence should she ever change her mind about having him charged. Just because she has and exam or makes a statement, doesn't mean that he will be charged. The laws are different in each state I think, but my understanding is that in some states (becasue it is a case of domestic violence) if there is seen to be enough evidence then the police will charge him and she will have no choice, in other states she has the choice. The Sexual Assault Support Service will be able to explain all this to her. Often in these cases there is not enough physical evidence to press charges. In these cases sometimes you can make a statement and lodge it with police, so that whilst charges are not laid , however if another woman ever comes forward, your story can add weight to theirs or at least assist the police in the case.