Husband having an emotional affair

**mumkc** · 22-12-2009 01:22

I have found out today that my husband has been pursuing a relationship by phone / sms with an ex-girlfriend. He assures me that it has not progressed to a physical level and that basically he was only participating because it felt good.

It has been going on for two weeks. We have an 18 month old and ... wait for it ... I am 14 weeks pregnant. We are already seeing a counsellor because of the lack of intimacy (sexual - from his part - and emotional) but other than that things were, I believed, good.

Finding out about the emotional affair has made me question our whole relationship and made me realise that our relationship is based on me making life easier for him and putting all the effort in to make things work. He has not done one thing that the counsellor has asked.

He is a great father and has never abused me in any way. However I just feel that I should walk away as he can not or won't do what the relationship needs to work.

Not sure if I am looking for advice or opinions but needed an anonymous forum to rant.

**amiee** · 22-12-2009 01:28

Sending you lots of hugs

**kribby** · 22-12-2009 02:08

sending you lots of

emotional can sometimes feell worse than physical especially if he's not working on your own relationship!!! i hope things can work out for you whichever way you choose to go!!!

have a merry christmas

**Bellini** · 22-12-2009 02:29

It is concerning that he has not done anything the counsellor has suggested, on top of engaging in an affair (whether it be emotional or physical).

Don't feel obliged to stay just because he hasn't abused you before, and because of his good fathering skills. He needs good husband skills for a marriage to work. I'm wondering if you should sit down with him and bluntly ask him what his intentions are - does he want to make it work or not? If he says he wants to make it work, point out that his behaviour says otherwise (i.e.: not doing things the counsellor has suggested).

I seriously hope he has cut ALL ties with his ex.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation

I hope everything works out for you.

**Mathermy** · 22-12-2009 06:12

I'm really sorry this is happening to you

I hope things work out in a way that works for you.

**codswallop** · 22-12-2009 06:38

sending you warm happy vibes
i think id rather DH to have a completely physical affair (sex is sex) with a nameless woman then a emotional affair with some one
good luck

**europa** · 22-12-2009 07:07

Sending you warmest hugs.

No suggestion from me. It must be hard finding out that our loved one is emotionally hooked to other woman.
I hope things work out for you in the end. I hope it's just a short term fling and he'll come back to you.

Originally Posted by codswallop

sending you warm happy vibes
i think id rather DH to have a completely physical affair (sex is sex) with a nameless woman then a emotional affair with some one
good luck

I agreee A meaningless sex with a woman/a prostitute or one night stand - as long as he doesn't contract any STD and give it to me, is not as painful as emotional affair.

**Wilby** · 22-12-2009 07:12

to you. I guess from my point of view, whilst you say he has never abused you, to me pursuing an ex is abusing your trust and your relationship. I cant offer advice as to what you should do, but I would ask you to think about the trust issue. I hope that you can work out what is best for YOU and your children.

**Lastcenturymum** · 22-12-2009 07:12

Originally Posted by beetlemama

It is concerning that he has not done anything the counsellor has suggested, on top of engaging in an affair (whether it be emotional or physical).

Don't feel obliged to stay just because he hasn't abused you before, and because of his good fathering skills. He needs good husband skills for a marriage to work. I'm wondering if you should sit down with him and bluntly ask him what his intentions are - does he want to make it work or not? If he says he wants to make it work, point out that his behaviour says otherwise (i.e.: not doing things the counsellor has suggested).

I seriously hope he has cut ALL ties with his ex.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation

I hope everything works out for you.

Couldn't have said it better. I think it's an insult that he is treating you like this, shows no respect for you, his child and unborn baby. Maybe he will realize what he had once it's gone.

Big hugs to you, it's a horrid situation to be in.

**LotusMum** · 22-12-2009 07:19

Im sorry you are going through this, especially so close to Christmas.
As hurtful as it is, esp with everything else going on, a postive thing is that it seems he was open and honest with you when discussing it. He told you he only did it because it felt good.
Well, lets face it, someone wanting you, finding you attractive, and playing at a relathioship is fun, its exciting, and it does make you feel good, especially if other things arent so good in reality. It seems like at this stage it was no more than an ego boost and an escape from what is going on with you to.
Please do not in any way take this as sticking up for or excusing his behaviour. Its is not. It was incrediably wrong and hurtful. Im just trying to help you see there may be a reason behind it other than, shes hotter than me and he wants her more. Its very easy to 'fall for' another person when its simply in this method as that person doesnt have to be in actual reality with them, they dont ahve to wash their clothes, listen to their rubbish, be there for them when the chips are down. They are simply fantasy, even if you already know the person. Its not real.
All that said. You must sit down with him and talk to him about it, as a PP said, you need to be blunt, ask him what he wants. If he wants you and your children, then make him proove it. Let him know, this is rock bottom, either you both work hard now, or its the end. He MUST do as the counsellor suggested and he MUST make a deal to have absolutely no contact with this other woman, he must delete and prove that he has gotten rid of all her contact details. He must let you know when or if she contacts him. He must let her know that he knows he was behaving wrongly and he wont be contacting her anymore and he doesnt want her to contact him. Get him do it in front of you if you wish. Deals have been broken in your relationship and hes hurt you, but if you both want your marriage to survive, it can, you just have to work hard in making all actions transparent to each other and to expect that it will be hard.
I say this, as I have gone through similar and we are coming out the other end. However our issue was not over the phone with an ex, but on facebook.