This is not a section that I thought I'd ever have to post in - I wish no one ever did!
It's 3am in the morning, I couldn't sleep so thought I'd share my story.
I had a text book pregnancy and really the worse thing that I suffered was constant heartburn. Not that I didn't complain about the little things
My due date was the 3rd of Dec and at my OB appointment on that day we decided that if nothing had happened we'd go in to be induced on the night of the 9th.
We turned up to the hospital at 5pm and it was baby chaos. There were people having babies left, right and centre! About half an hour after arriving we were shown into the birth suite and told that we'd be staying in there the night. My OB arrived just before 6pm and put on the gel. He said that he didn't really expect that I'd have the baby that night as my cervix was tightly shut and that he'd see us first thing in the morning to break my waters.
The midwife came in, did a heart monitor check. Said all was good, that it was very unusual to go into labour straight after the gel but that she'd get the room ready just in case.
My DH and I had dinner - some horrible pork and fried rice dish - clinked on the telly and settled back. We chatted excitely about how our life was going to change, whether we'd have a boy or a girl, were we still happy with the names etc. The midwife came in around 9.30 and gave me my tablets and told me to get some rest as I was going to be a busy girl the next day.
Around 10pm we went to bed and I fully expected to get quite a bit of sleep. I woke up at 12.13am with quite painful cramping. I tossed and turned, walked around for a about 20mins before I woke DH and said 'what do you think are we in labour?' (this was our first). We buzzed the midwife and I asked her but she said she didn't think so and that it was probably just the cramping that the gel could cause. So I just sat and bounced on the fit ball, walked around some more and gritted my teeth.
Another midwife came in to check on us around 3am and I was having contractions about every minute and half that would last for 30 sec. She said she still thought that it was caused from the gel and not real contractions. So we jumped up on the bed and she did a heartbeat check. All was good and given the regularity and time they were still the 'gel contractions', she suggested that I have a shower as that was helpful for some.
I sat in the shower for about an hour and half and it really did help. The contractions eased off, I was still having them but they were further apart and not as painful. I finally got out when I start to wrinkle and get a bit chilly. My DH actually said you look a lot better, I thought so to so thought I'll try and rest. I went to get on the bed and got hit with a wave of nausea. I raced to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. The contractions started to get really painful again and a lot closer together.
I went to the loo and realised that I had lost my mucus plug and was now bleeding. The midwife came in then and said that was normal and that we'd have a check of the heartbeat again. I asked for the gas but it just seemed to make me feel worse - not sick but it felt like the contractions were more painful.
My DH was great, I swear I nearly bit of his arm at the shoulder whilst she was doing the heartbeat monitoring. All was good, the heartbeat was strong - it was 6.30am and I tried the gas again but it still didn't work. I went to the loo, came back out and remember thinking bring on 7am and an epidural (the OB was coming then). My DH and I just worked through the next bit of time. I mainly stood up and grabbed hold of him when the contractions were really intense.
The OB and a new midwife came in at 7am. They got me up on the bed and he did an internal and said I was fully dilated and needed to start pushing. I couldn't believe it, the midwife told me what a good girl I was! I pushed but nothing happened. The OB was explaining to me not to close up my knees whislt the midwife was trying to find the heartbeat. She couldn't and both DH and I started to worry. The OB told her to get an electode monitor and try that but they still couldn't get a reading. I remember looking at DH and feeling so scared all the while still trying to push. They brought in the ultrasound machine and looked for a heartbeat, it wasn't there. That was the scariest moment of my life and my DH and I just looked at each other knowing that it was bad. They started prepping me for an emergency c-section.
They were shaving me, having me sign a form, explaining what was happening and I was still having massive contractions. They wheeled me off and I held DH's hand until they took me into theatre. I remember being in there and having questions thrown at me, hearing the OB ordering everyone around, breathing through the contractions and hoping everything would be ok.
The next thing I knew I was being woken up. DH was next to me, not looking to good in his scrubs and red hat. He was explaining to me that he'd called my mum and that they couldn't do anything to save our baby. I remember asking what we'd had and just asking whether mum knew. The OB explained what happened, I didn't really take it in, the nurse said she was crying and I wanted to sleep but also be awake and 'with it'. Apparently all I did was shake my head. I feel so bad for my DH, he was all alone and wondering if I was ok, if the baby was ok - I just hate that he went threw that and found out about Veronica when he was by himself.
Thankfully they wheeled us into a room in the medical ward. We went past my DHs mum who had gotten herself to the hospital. And the next few hours are a blur.
I just kept shaking my head and thinking I need to wake up properly. My DHs mum went off, I told her to stay out of the sun... My folks arrived and they were a mess. They brought our Veronica in and we had her christened (I couldn't believe the priest wore sandels).
I eventually was allowed to shower and DH and I just sat together in shock. The ped came and spoke to us and said that they worked on Veronica for 10mins after they got her out but that they just couldn't bring her back. They don't know why her heart stopped beating other than something catostrophic happened sometime between 6.30am and 7ish. The OB did tell us though that they did a test on the cord and that she wasn't in any foetal distress - just a complete mystery.
My DH and I spent the afternoon just holding Veronica and talking. I remember thinking this is just surreal - I'm glad I was still on medication. I also remember just being so proud of my DH, he was just a natural Dad.
My brothers and folks came up that night and met Veronica. My DH had a bed brought in and we put Veronica between us that night.
The next day we said goodbye and they took her away. My heart broke into even more pieces. We spent that night in hospital and decided to head home the next day.
The last week has gone by so quickly. We had a viewing on Tuesday and she looked so beautiful, so tiny she was only 6p 3 but long at 51cms. She had her Dad's long legs, big feet and old man hands. The funeral was on Wednesday and it was beautiful. We wrote Veronica a letter about our 41 weeks together which was read out at the service.
Now I feel a bit lost, I'm not good at not having a plan and feeling out of control of the situation. I'm still obviously healing physically from the c-section but I have to say that pain isn't to bad. I just want to take the pain away that I see etched into my DHs face.
We have our moments, one minute I'll be fine the next in tears. I'm so tired yet can't sleep, I just don't really know what to do with myself. And I know DH feels the same way.
Anyway, I know it all takes time and we just have to work through this journey together. I do know that I love my DH more than I ever thought possible and that helps me through the day.