Confused & in need of advice...

**Sasy90** · 26-11-2009 10:54

I'm really new to this & I'm hoping that someone has some advice...

I'm 19 (soon 20) & hav just found out I'm pregnant.. I just broke up with my bf of 3 yrs & have been seeing someone else. I'm not sure who the father is. I've been really open with the guy I'm seeing & he has been supportive but wants to know if the baby is his for sure before he tells me what he wants to do.. I have also told my ex bf that I'm preg but he doesn't no it may not be his..

What makes this harder for me is that I had an abortion in aug last yr as I had no support from my parents & my bf wanted no part in it.. This time around my ex bf wants me to have the baby & live happily ever after..

I have a full time job that pays fairly well (been here a year) but I live with my fairly strict parents..

Has anyone got any advice & do u no if DNA tests can b done while preg?

**CookiesRYum** · 26-11-2009 11:11

First off here is a big hug for you - seems like you are in a tough situation... but you will get there.. just breath and think about things...

Most importantly, it is early days and there is no rush or pressure for you to make a decision or know who the father is. It is great that you have been honest with both the guys and let them know what's going on.

I would suggest talking to a support group; I was pregnant when I was around 22 and in Victoria - we had Family Planning and they hooked me up with a coucellor who knew all the details and I could vent to her.

Really not sure about the DNA thing - I was under the impression that testing in utereo was not the norm; it was expensive and has possible complication. I thought generally DNA tests where carried out once the baby was born. But again; I could be wrong and I guess it if it really important to help you work out what you are doing then push to get one done.

I have no real advise for you; you have to do what is right for you - but whatever you decide have faith in your decision and you will get through. There are always options like keeping the baby, terminating or adopting and there is time for you to work through the pros and cons for each and things to possibly be discussed with both these guys. (perhaos once you have spoken to someone; you may want to talk to the ex about the fact that it *may not* be his kid?)

I do also think your decision about the baby can be seperate about your decision about these guys - I guess it seems all intertwined at the moment but you can seperate them. Say you really want to keep the baby and it's the ex's - it doesn't automatically mean you need to be with him as he wants?

I just wanted to add, that if you do decide to keep the baby (even if that means doing it alone) you will get there. Nothing is impossible and even though it may seem daunting now you will get there and you may even be surprised how supportive your family could be in the end.

Good luck, I don't imagine this is an easy time for you but you will get through and it may just be the start of a whole new beautiful chapter of your life.

**leajones22** · 26-11-2009 11:14

it is not an easy situation for you to be in.

Yes they can do testing but I think it carries risks of M/C but I would speak to a gp about what the test involves and when it can be performed.

No matter what you decide to do you are going to need support. Maybe try talking to your parents and ask them to be there for you no matter what you decide to do. We all believe that our parents will be angry and upset at us but often find out when it is too late that they would have supported us no matter what.

Good Luck and I hope it works out for you.

**Sasy90** · 26-11-2009 18:24

Thanks for your replies!

i am just confused & dont really know what i want or how to split the issues...

i dont really want to go back to my ex if it is his so im secretly hoping its not...

im not so keen on abortions given im still not over the one i had last yr and have been on antidepressants since then.

my parents reacted really badly last time & i was in a relationship... cant imagine how they'd react knowing i didnt know who the father was!

**CookiesRYum** · 26-11-2009 18:32

Hi Sassy, I was waiting for you to reply...

HAve strength, you do have some ideas of what you want.

Like; that you don't want to be with your ex...and maybe you are not comfortable with an abortion..

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling with your last abortion; has there been anyone you spoke to follow on from that ; did you speak to someone when you got your antidepressants?

There is no obligation for you to be with your ex - he may really want it, but it doesn't mean you have to go down that road regardless of your decision about the baby. Just say you keep the baby and he is the father - he will probably always be involved in your life and it may be a good thing that he helps suppor the baby.. but it DOESN'T mean you need to be with him.

You can be on your own, or with the new guy or whatever you feel comfortable and the ex can still play a role in raising this baby.

It is hard with parents; especially if you are living with them and will probably need their support if you keep bub.

I would really recommend you talking it out with a professional and work through how you feel and all your options. They will then be able to give you guidance for how to share your decision (whatever it may be) with all those ppl around you.

**Sasy90** · 26-11-2009 19:07

Yeah I guess I do have some idea..

I would like to avoid an abortion but I keep thinking, what about my career? What about my lifestyle?- what if all of a sudden I want to go partying or travel the world.. Where will I live & where will the money come from.. Will my family hate me forever... Will the guys resent me for having a baby they may not want?

I spoke to my gp & a psychologist but stopped after a few sessions... I haven't even told my doc yet(I went to a diff clinic coz I was worried wat my doc would day given that she prescribed me the pill like 3 wks ago- guess the damage was already done!)

Thanks so much for listening to me.. It's good to get it out

**Amara** · 26-11-2009 19:26

I'm pretty sure you can't have DNA testing done in Australia until after the bub is born.

As for you career, do not stress. Regardless of the situation you can still have that. It is not easy juggling a baby & a job but it can be done. I found that daycare was a lot cheaper than I expected it to be, particularly when I became single.

It does help enormously if you have supportive family, particularly if you are going to go back to work as you will need some help when bubs gets sick & day care wont take him/her.

**IndigoJ** · 26-11-2009 19:45

Hi. first of all big hugs to you. Just an idea, is there anyway you could work out who the dad is by how far along you are? when your last period was ect??? Might make things a bit easier

Good Luck with your decision

**Sasy90** · 26-11-2009 19:57

im not even sure wen my last period was... and i dont even know when im due... i asked like no questions wen the doc said the blood test was positive bcoz im my mind i was thinking "cr*p, cr*p"

im not sure how that works... can they giv u a conception date?

**CookiesRYum** · 26-11-2009 20:13

sweety first things first make an app with a gp either the one you have seen regulary or if you not comfortable with that another one.

I am sure the regular gp is not going to judge they are there to help. They will be able to answer lots of your questions and point you in the **** direction. You can get a scan to see how far along you are and from that give you a pretty good idea me when you conceived which may help you work out who the dad is. Next your career will be fine most people don't even start a career until twenty five or even thirty. If you keep the cub it will be a little older by then and you will ready to make your mark. Is far as travel etc it's not for everyone. Of course there will be lots of sacrifis to make if you have baby but so many rewards too. And ultimately it about making a decision you lots me happy with and one that makes you feel better not worse. Look in your heart and follow it with truth and conviction and the universe will support you. I also really believe that even if your family be upset to begin with they will come around and love you and their grand baby. Sorry cant typos i an on my phone.